I hate everything.....

When does life get fun again? We spend time as a kid with very limited responsibilities and the majority of our time focused on having fun. Yet while in the midst of that we long to be an adult and the "perks" that come with adulthood. We don't see the responsibility and hardship that often comes with adulthood as well. Life...or at least mine....stopped being fun with adulthood. Maybe I just don't know how to relax any more and let other people be the grown up in the room. I've spent so much time in that role that I'm not sure I know how to be anything else. Do we fall into these roles in our childhood and then don't know how to escape them? Does our family life as a kid define us as adults for both the good and the bad?

I for one am tired of 99% of the time being the only adult in the room even when I'm surrounded by people who are almost twice my age. I know it comes from my deep sense of responsibility and right and wrong but I also know I was raised in the same household as some others and they don't feel that way. What contributes the most to our value system? I used to feel strongly that it was nurture over nature but, I'm beginning to think it is much more nature and the patterns we fall into repeatedly. I want to make sure my children have a great foundation to define their value system but, I don't want them to fall in to some of the same patterns as I have. I hate being an enabler. I hate being co-dependent and the roles that have defined my family life for so long (the "fixer", the "peacekeeper" and the "caretaker"). I spend so much time being responsible for everyone else's happiness I've forgotten what makes me happy or if I ever really even knew.

So today....I hate everything.

Just a few thoughts...

Okay, so I've taken some time off from posting - which I am a little disappointed at myself for doing. I had promised that I would keep up with my blog because this is a safe and healthy place for me to vent and express myself.

As many of you know, my mom has been sick. She was diagnosed back in November with a rare for of cancer, renal cell carcinoma, which was treated swiftly and effectively through a radical nephrectomy -they ripped that sucker right on out. Before the incisions could even heal, she was smacked in the face with another rare diagnosis, ANCA vasculitis. The chances of her having both of these rare illnesses is like 1 in 5,000,000! Needless to say, it has turned both of our lives upside down. So, take that as your fair warning that there is no telling what will come in the posts ahead.

I can say this - I'm happy to be back in my little box!