For My Broken Heart

For the first time in a very long time, I feel totally alone. It just feels like every time I start to trust people around me someone does something foolish to shatter that trust. I know that I am probably hyper sensitive about things but, when I let down my guard to people who "care" about me, I trust them to handle it with care and caution and not throw away all the hard work it takes for me to do that.

I've worked hard to identify people in my life that I feel I can turn to when things get rough. Someone shattered that trust tonight and to be totally honest I'm devastated. I know to a lot of people what happened would seem small and petty but, after everything I've been through having another angry man come at me just triggered every emotion I've worked so hard to deal with and I'm not sure I will ever find a way past that to trust again. Not to mention, it involved my child and every parent knows they are super protective of their children - especially when they are young.

I'm hurt and confused and feel I have no where to turn at the moment so here I sit and try to sort out what I'm feeling - how many of these tears are for me and my shattered trust and how many are for the fact that my little boy's heart is broken at the moment. I know kids are resilient and forgiving but, I'm just afraid I'm not any longer. So.....I will go hug my child one more time and tell him that the world can be a cruel harsh place but that I will always always love him and then probably cry myself to sleep.

A very sad pandora wishing the world the inner peace I miss.

Hillbilly Hunters - A Texas Specialty

Okay, so we know I don't hide my adoration and love for animals - and I'm not just speaking about the domesticated kind. So of course, I have issues with hunting. Now, I know I will get some feedback on this one - how it is okay to hunt for food blah blah blah. How is it I eat cattle - blah blah blah. Well, to be honest, it wouldn't take much for me to be a vegan. While I cringe about the thoughts of a bullet piercing the heart of Bambi, I do understand that to each his own. There is always the argument that we need to thin out the herds to stop overpopulation and prevent starvation. My issue is that I don't see why the odds aren't a little more even. Although I live in Texas, people know I call this state hell and complain often that it is a backwoods state. When it comes to hunting, my view is no different.

It is bad enough that these hunters use high power scopes and rifles to lay out their prey. But, I draw the line with making them pets and THEN shooting them. There is a practice in this state that turns my stomach. Months before hunters go out, they start buying deer corn and putting it in feeders near the blinds. Each day they feed these deer around the same time. So when deer season opens, it doesn't take a mental genius to figure out that those deer will be right there waiting for their breakfast. Hunters sit in their deer blinds, with their high power rifles and scopes, their hot coffee and wait for their new pets to land in their sites and then BOOM! Now tell me - how is that hunting?!? How is that not stacking the odds? Seriously, talk about premeditated murder. You can find deer corn everywhere you can go around here - the grocery store, the gas station, the feedlot - wouldn't surprise me if they had it at the daycare too!

I think the odds should be a little more even. I would love to see a hunter have to actually track his prey and hey - if you can drop a 12 point buck with a hunting knife more power to you. But, don't insult my intelligence or the intelligence of those others who feel this practice is just barbaric at best. Don't call this "hunting". I don't think the native Americans used this technique - I don't even think our forefathers thought this would be how we "hunted". Now, I know, we have to account for advances in technology but just because something is possible (like human cloning) doesn't mean we should do it. I'm not a tree hugger and if you are going to use the meat instead of just using the head as a trophy that may be a little different but, this still isn't ethical. Just my thoughts...

xoxo
Pandora

Gunpowder and Lead

Okay - for obvious reasons - I love this song. Someday I hope to get this angry and have this much control. I wax and wain from this mood at moments. I just need it to be consistent.

Gunpowder and Lead
Miranda Lambert

County road 233, under my feet
Nothin' on this white rock but little ole me
I've got two miles till, he makes bail
And if I'm right we're headed straight for hell

[Chorus:]

I'm goin' home, gonna load my shotgun
Wait by the door and light a cigarette
If he wants a fight well now he's got one
And he ain't seen me crazy yet
He slap my face and he shook me like a rag doll
Don't that sound like a real man
I'm going to show him what a little girls made of
Gunpowder and lead

Well it's half past ten, another six pack in
And I can feel the rumble like a cold black wind
He pulls in the drive, the gravel flies
He don't know what's waiting here this time

I'm goin' home, gonna load my shotgun
Wait by the door and light a cigarette
If he wants a fight well now he's got one
And he ain't seen me crazy yet
He slap my face and he shook me like a rag doll
Don't that sound like a real man
I'm going to show him what a little girls made of
Gunpowder and lead

His fist is big but my gun's bigger
He'll find out when I pull the trigger

I'm goin' home, gonna load my shotgun
Wait by the door and light a cigarette
If he wants a fight well now he's got one
And he ain't seen me crazy yet
He slap my face and he shook me like a rag doll
Don't that sound like a real man
I'm going to show him what a little girls made of
Gunpowder and lead

Amazing Video

I rarely go to you tube - never been my kinda thing but - I heard about this and had to share this link.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3XJQTaC-R6w

This just proves what I've always said about animals.

Hug the pets and pet the kids.

xoxo
Pandora

Life is Messy

I was having a conversation with someone today and we were discussing how quickly people throw in the towel when things get hard or you hit a bump in the road or things get messy. As many of you know - I surf craigslist - particularly the pets section. Yeah yeah I know - me and pets go figure! I'm amazed at the people who "rehome" their pets after 10-12 years. How do you have a pet that long and then one day just decide you're tired of it and kick it out? I guess I shouldn't be surprised at that.
The divorce rate and the rate at which long term couples are ending their relationships are at an all time high. Domestic violence is on the rise and the shelters for women, the most typical victims of domestic violence, have fewer and fewer resources to assist them and often their children. Times are tough and it looks like as a country we are headed down a long and winding road and times won't be getting better any time soon.
I know I've spoken about the safe haven laws before - the 'baby jesus' laws. The intent of these laws was to give a safe place for people, teenagers and unwed mothers, etc., to relinquish their babies who they felt they couldn't care for instead of abandoning them in trash cans in school bathrooms or in freezing cold mangers this time of year. But now, in Nebraska, we have parents who have decided raising a teenager is too tough so they are taking them in and turning them over to the state. Okay, my first question is - who is the mental giant that authored the law to include children up to the age of 19?!?!? My next question is - who said raising a teenager was easy?!? Now, don't get me wrong, I know I'm just hitting the teen years with my children but, I cannot imagine any situation where I would ever give up on my child and turn them over to a state agency to raise. I guess I shouldn't be surprised. The suburbs and rural communities are filled with grandparents and extended relatives raising teens that their parents sent away for various reasons. It has taken a toll on the small communities. You no longer have the small town safe environment that you once had because all the kids that are in trouble in the big cities are being shipped to live with relatives. We have 70 and 80 year old grandparents trying to keep up with 14 and 15 year old kids who their own parents couldn't manage. Now THAT makes sense!
Our society needs a wake up call - life is messy - when you got the handbook - on page 4378 it specifically says - life is hard, it isn't something you can wrap up in a 30 minute sitcom. Who is to blame? Do we dump this off on pop culture, the media, the 5th avenue gurus, television? Was it a culture that made our kids latch key kids? Was it the desire of women to move out of the house and in to the workforce and claim their independence? I think all these things played a roll in how we have evolved as a society but, unfortunately we haven't evolved as parents to meet our childrens needs. We haven't evolved as humans to grasp that life is tough - things do get messy, no one ever promised us a rose garden. We've become too selfish and self absorped and what we need is a good old fashioned reality check. I think the last reality check this country had bounced! Kids should be taught life skills in school. I know many will say we shouldn't put that on the schools too, that it is a parental responsibility but, many of the parents who are raising these kids don't know how to be parents themselves. How can we expect them to teach something they don't know how to do? We have to start somewhere. Perhaps it should be mandatory when you register for a birth certificate or a social security number that you have to take a parenting 101 course. It has to start somewhere before we have a system full of teen children relinquished in every state of the union. As for me and mine - we will continue to live our messy little life.

How many days until Spring Training?

I just realized I miss baseball - it has only been a few months since the World Series is over and I'm already waiting for the opening pitch to be thrown and the new hope that the Cubs will make it to the series. Okay, so about some things I'm the eternal optimistic. I'm bummed about the College Football Bowl Games but hey c'est la vie. It is all politics I guess. So, I will take a 9 inning game that has a play-off series at the end any time.

I can hear the organ now playing in the background - root root root for the cubbiesssssssssssss if they don't win it's a shame.....

The first spring training game is February 25th - not that I'm marking the days off or anything.

We got SCREWED!!!!

Okay Mom, please explain this to me again. How is it we beat both these damn teams and they are in the Big XII Championship game and we are stuck home watching?!?

So by now, everyone knows that OU is playing in the Big XII title game and the Horns are stuck home watching hoping that Mizzou can pull it out and win. Even though we beat both these teams in the regular season they are playing for the Big XII title and OU is playing for a chance to go to the big dance and play for a national title. I just don't get it and neither did Layla.



Huddle up girls, lets talk this over and see how we are going to get through watching this game. We spent the last 2 weeks wanting the sooners to win and now we want the Tigers to win - I'm so confused. Layla can ya explain it to me again?


62 damn points?!? Got any beer in here Mom? We got so screwed. Oh well, looks like I'm gonna learn to munch on Buckeyes. Go horns!!!

Goldfish is in the House!

I wanted to introduce everyone to the newest addition to the animal menagerie....Goldfish. Goldfish came to us as an adoptee.


Can you find the cat in this picture??


Goldfish has joined the family and made himself at home >^..^<

Happy Ho Ho Ho?

Have you ever noticed each year the Christmas decorations and Christmas aisles go up earlier and earlier at the retail stores? Don't get me wrong here - I'm not trying to be a grinch but, I guess a part of me is. Christmas has gotten a lot of publicity the last few years. Our kids are the ones who are getting very mixed messages. You have your private parochial schools who will not allow Santa to be mentioned at the school during the holidays. Then you have your public schools who want to take the reason out of the season - so you can't mention Jesus. While I will keep my religious beliefs to myself, I'm tired of both sides taking it all to the extremes. It is just like all the politics we dealt with this year - one extreme or the other. This country cannot be moderate about anything any longer. So our kids are pushed and pulled and not given the option of believing in both. In fact, when my son was in Kindergarten, his teacher took it upon herself to tell him there is no Santa Claus. Yes, I was very angry because she robbed my son of a little piece of innocence that I wanted him to hold on to for a little while longer. Well, let me tell you, I don't think Santa Claus and Jesus are all that different! If you stop and think about it, both are about giving of yourself, having a happy heart and spirit, and thinking about someone besides yourself and what you have for a change - but, that's just my opinion I guess.

So back to the point I started to make with this I guess, Christmas like Valentine's Day has become nothing but a commercial venture and retail opportunity for many. It is about the latest Ipod, the fastest gaming system, the biggest toys and all the things that take hours to assemble when the kid would rather play with the box. We skip from Halloween (which many parochial schools also prohibit as a pagan ritual - but Easter isn't seen that way with the bunnies and eggs- whole other post) to Christmas. So my question is what about Thanksgiving? Thanksgiving is now the holiday squished between candy and Christ. Thanksgiving is about our forefathers who celebrated moving to this country and their freedom of living in a land that they could choose their religion and belief and not be punished for it. It is about freedom of speech and opinion and the right to express those things freely. Thanksgiving is about being thankful for the things you have and are blessed with in life and not about what else you can add to that stash. You can get lots of money, you can get lots of toys (both grown up and child toys) but the truth is when you leave this earth - they do you no good. But the things we should be thankful for this time of year - the love of our family, the friends who comfort us the other 364 days of the year, the job that allows us to feed our family and put a roof over our head - are typically forgotten about. Even on the day of Thanksgiving, too many people focus on the turkey and the football and not the meaning of the holiday and where the tradition came from.
We wonder what is wrong with your youth - why they expect more and more and don't seem thankful for the things we have. Well, DUH! What do we expect them to do when we as adults don't teach them to be thankful for what we have, we don't teach them to give to others who are less fortunate, we don't teach them to give of themselves in both their time and service - its easier to throw a little money at the problem. I'm proud to say that we as a family will be making some food and taking it ourselves downtown to the homeless that reside in the park outside the big church. I'm proud to say that we will hand dip them food and give it to those who wonder each day where their next meal will come from. I'm proud to say that my children see this as something they should do and not just something they are expected to do. It is important that they understand it - that they need to give to those who don't have the things they do or the opportunities that they do. I may not be able to change the whole world but, I can make a small difference in the world I live in and if I instill that in my kids and they instill that in their kids then I will have paid it forward. I remind my children that there is a Santa Claus in all of them. It is a spirit of giving and I won't let anyone or anything take that from them - not the commercialism of the season, not the far right, not anything!
So as the Christmas parties and gifts come your way this year, I just ask that you take a minute and be thankful for the things you are surrounded with because there is always someone out there who is less fortunate and would trade places with you in a heartbeat. And, to those of you in my life, I want you to know that I am blessed to have each and every one of you and I hope you find your inner Santa Claus and let it out. Yes Virginia, there is a Santa Claus!

with love
Pandora

A Little Warped Humor - Just my Style :)

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed that he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.

The man, who was a priest, said, "I am a Father."

The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."

The priest looked up from his book and answered, "I am the Father of many."

The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls, and two grandchildren, and he doesn't wear his collar that way!"

The priest, getting impatient, said, "I am the Father of hundreds." and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for awhile, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear a condom and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar."

Knowledge is Power

It is important for me to learn how to talk about my life experience - no matter how unpleasant it is for me. I thought I would work on that process by sharing some things I have learned in the last few years.

• Every 2 minutes, someone in the US is sexually assaulted.
• Every 8 minutes, someone in the US is raped.
• 60 % of sexual assaults are never reported to the police.
• If a rape is reported, there is 50 % chance of arrest.
  
• If an arrest is made, there is an 80% chance of prosecution - only 58% of those end up in conviction. If there is a felony conviction - only 69% chance they will spend time in prison. That means out of the 39% reported - only 16.3% will spend time in prison.
• If you factor in unreported rapes - only 6 % of rapists ever spend time in jail.
• 15 out of 16 rapists go free.
• 73 % of rape victims know their assailant.
• 1 out of every 6 women in the US has been a victim of an attempted or completed rape in their lifetime.
• Victims of sexual assault are: 3 times more likely to suffer from depression, 6 times more like to suffer from symptoms of post traumatic stress disorder, 13 times more likely to abuse alcohol, 26 more times likely to abuse drugs, and 4 times more likely to contemplate suicide and women who have been victimized are 7 times more likely to be assaulted again.

Recovery from a violent crime like this is a long term process. It isn't something that we as a society are comfortable discussing openly. Women are still shamed into feeling that somehow they did something to bring it on to themselves - they didn't fight hard enough, they made the wrong choices, they should have said no more forcefully, they were dressed wrong, you've heard them all. If you go to a party and say you've been mugged, you are showered with empathy and concern. You don't get that same reaction if you say you were raped. You are often shunned and made to feel like you did something wrong and the room clears and leaves you feeling dirty and violated all over again. A big part of recovery is also being able to accept that no matter what choices you made, no matter the circumstances, the moment you said no or stop should have been enough to end the assault. It is hard enough as the "victim" of the assault to get to this point. I know that I edit how much information I share with people because most of the people would be judgmental and I'm hard enough on myself about the situation. I think that plays a large part in my lack of ability to address my stalker. I've never left that room. It isn't about the sex - it is about the control and the power. Unfortunately, I'm still living in that fear and that loss of control and power. But, it is baby steps. The fact that I'm sitting here writing this post and sharing the "facts" with my readers is a step in the right direction. So thank you for the support and love. Hopefully this post will raise someone's awareness. Share this with the women in your life that you love - take a look at all the women in your life - count out 6 and know that 1 of them has probably been or will be the victim of at least an attempted sexual assault.

Here are just a few safety tips from the RAINN website:

• Be aware of your surroundings. Knowing where you are and who is around you may help you to find a way to get out of a bad situation.
• Try to avoid isolated areas. It is more difficult to get help if no one is around.
• Walk with purpose. Even if you don’t know where you are going, act like you do.
• Trust your instincts. If a situation or location feels unsafe or uncomfortable, it probably isn’t the best place to be.
• Try not to load yourself down with packages or bags as this can make you appear more vulnerable.
• Make sure your cell phone is with you and charged and that you have cab money.
• Don't allow yourself to be isolated with someone you don’t trust or someone you don’t know.
• Avoid putting music headphones in both ears so that you can be more aware of your surroundings, especially if you are walking alone.

xoxo

Pandora

A Day in the Life of a Stalker

7:08 AM Pandora u there
7:08 AM Where r u
7:08 AM .....
7:08 AM .....
7:09 AM Answer me
7:09 AM get online
7:09 AM why ya gotta be this way
7:10 AM .....
7:10 AM .....

Mailbox
7:54 AM
Hey wanna get coffee or lunch

8:46 AM u there
8:46 AM ......
8:46 AM ......
8:46 AM ......
8:47 AM get ur ass online
8:47 AM ......
8:47 AM what r u wearin
8:47 AM ......
8:49 AM love maroon
8:49 AM they matchin
8:51 AM why ya gotta be bitch
8:52 AM come on answer me


9:15 AM Missed Call - Voicemail - hey where hell are ya wanna meet up have lunch or somethin - no one's at my house


10:00 AM Missed Call

12:32 PM get online
12:32 PM .......
12:32 PM .......
12:32 PM .......
12:32 PM .......
12:35 PM why ya gotta be like that
12:35 PM .......
12:35 PM your bein bitch
12:35 PM where r u

1:10 PM ......
1:10 PM call me
1:10 PM ......
1:10 PM ......
1:11 PM ......
1:11 PM ......
1:11 PM ......


1:30 PM Email
Nobody's home this week come over

1:57 PM wheres my pics
1:57 PM .....
1:57 PM .....
1:57 PM .....
1:57 PM .....
1:58 PM well
1:58 PM .....
1:58 PM answer me damn it


2:30 PM Missed call

3:00 PM ya there
3:00 PM .....
3:00 PM .....
3:00 PM well
3:00 PM .....
3:01 PM .....
3:05 PM .....

9:00 PM Email
Answer me, get online now

9:05 PM u there
9:05 PM u online
9:05 PM get online
9:05 PM ......

It used to be that when 4:00 pm rolled around it would be quiet for me because he would go home and she was there. Now, not so much. Now don't get me wrong, it isn't like this every day. But, unfortunately, the days that it IS like this are getting more and more frequent.

The time to suck it up and do something legal about this is rapidly approaching. I guess it will be on his terms after all and not mine. I know there are others out there that have gone through this - or something similar. It saddens me that anyone has to endure this type of mental or emotional abuse from anyone. I know that I have a great support system out there if I just asked but, this is a demon I have to be able to slay on my own or I will never move forward. Someday, I will find the strength. Someday.....

Lessons Animals Can Teach US

Lesson 1 - Look Past the Surface, Reach out to Those most Unlike you

I'm sitting here tonight watching Lexus, mom's yorkie, and Goldfish, mom's potential new cat, playing. They are chasing each other around the room, playing tug of war, stalking each other and being the very best of friends. They've known each other a few hours and just like that, they've become great friends. They don't care that they are different species. They don't care that the "laws of nature" say they should be enemies. They looked past the surface and they bonded. With all the recent attention to race, gender, etc., in politics, this would be a great reminder for those of us who are supposed to be evolved that we should look past things like color and gender and just get along.


Lesson 2 - Love Shouldn't Hurt
Those of us that own animals know this one well. Animals have the ability to give you unconditional love in an abundance of what you usually need. No matter what you do, they love you unconditionally. You can yell at them after a bad day, you can ignore them and shut them out and they will worm their way right back in. That love doesn't come with a price - it doesn't hurt. Too often the "love" we get from humans comes with such a price, a price that robs us and leaves us spent emotionally and devoid of feeling.

Lesson 3 - Animals are a great judge of Character
Animals don't give trust blindly. They have a sense of a person's character when the person walks in the room. Have you ever noticed that some dogs or cats just won't come up to some people but yet with other people, they've never met an animal that didn't love them right away? As humans, we need to learn to make others earn our trust and not give it blindly away. We don't have that sixth sense that animals do when it comes to character so we need to look beyond that outer layer and really get to know someone before we extend them the gift of our trust.

Lesson 4 - When our children grow up - it is time to kick them out of the nest
How many parents do we all know that even though their kids are grown and should be self sufficient - their parents still pay their bills, bail them out of messes, etc? Have you ever seen a mother cat still letting her grown baby suckling? Ever seen a momma bird who didn't push her baby out of the nest and tell it to spread its wings and fly? There comes a time when we have to let go and trust that what we instilled in our children is enough to make them grown productive adults.

Lesson 5 - Life is short - sniff an ass now and again
Okay, I don't mean that literally - I'm just saying sometimes you need to venture outside your comfort zone. Can you imagine if you greeted everyone you met with a little sniff :) At least it would be an ice breaker. Life is very short - too short - and we need to take advantage of every minute. Imagine a lab puppy if you will. If you know anything about labs, you know they are fearless and dive right in to every moment. Think about how much fun life would be if we tried that.

So....just a few thoughts I wanted to share with the world....
Live, Love and Laugh, venture outside your box and live each day like it is your last cause you just never know.

Music & Me

Okay, so most of you already know that I love music. I find it a lot like poetry and often the lyrics of songs speak to me so from time to time I'm going to share lyrics that I really like and my thoughts on them. This is a new song just hitting the airwaves but the first time I heard it - like a few others it stopped me in my tracks. I relate music to people or times in my life and this song just yelled and got my attention so I wanted to share...if anyone is out there reading :)


White Horse
Taylor Swift from the album Fearless

Say your sorry
That face of an angel comes out
Just when you need it to.
As I pace back and forth
All this time cause
I honestly believed in you.
Holdin' on
The days drag on
Stupid girl I should have known, I should have known.

That I'm not a princess.
This ain't a fairytale.
I'm not the one you sweep off her feet,
Lead her up the stairwell.
This ain't Hollywood, this is a small town.
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down.
Now it's to late for you and your white horse to come around.

Maybe I was naÎve, got lost in your eyes,
and never really had a chance.
my mistake, I didn't know to be in love
you had to fight to have the upper hand
I had so many dreams about you and me.
Happy endings, well now I know...

That I'm not a princess.
This ain't a fairytale.
I'm not the one you sweep off her feet,
lead her up the stairwell.
This ain't Hollywood, this is a small town.
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down.
Now its too late for you and your white horse to come around.

And there you are on your knees.
Begging for forgiveness, begging for me.
Just like I always wanted but, I'm so sorry.

Cause I'm not your princess.
This ain't a fairytale.
I'm gonna find someone some day, who might actually treat me well.
This is a big world.
That was a small town, there in my rearview mirror disappearing now.
And it's too late for you and your white horse...
Its too late for you and your white horse to
catch me now.

Oh, Oh,Oh,
Try and catch me now ohh
Its too late
To catch me now

********************************************************************

I think we've all had someone or something that we can equate this song to. Although I had a conversation about this song and was told it had a "female" slant to it, I think it is okay for men who find shitty women in their lives to feel this way too. I don't think it has to be male or female for you to relate to just having enough and being fed up with people treating you that way. There are so many that want to just swoop in and think that saying "I'm sorry" or "I didn't meant it" and that will be enough. It doesn't even have to be someone you are in a romantic relationship with - it can be a friend or family member. I don't think it is a bitter angry woman....I think it is a person saying screw you I deserve better and learning to love themselves and demand more from those around them. What do you think?

Random Thoughts....

It is almost 1 in the morning and I have to be up soon. I have a full day ahead of me tomorrow - work, kids schooling, taking mom to the doctor. It is one of those nights that I can't shut off my head. I just realized how absolutely sad I am. I'm sad that it is the holidays and they always make me a little sad. I miss my father and brother, especially my brother. He could always make me smile and laugh. The holidays always brought out the best in him - he was so much like a little kid at heart and I miss seeing the world through his eyes. I'm painfully sad about my horse. She was such a large part of my growing up. I feel responsible. I question every decision I made in those few days and wonder if I had done something, anything different if the outcome would have changed. I'm sad that I can't seem to put my life together after everything I've been through. I do a great job of putting the happy face on for people when often inside I am still splintered in so many pieces I'm not sure I will ever be able to put the mirror back together and if I do the reflection I see won't be one that I recognize. I'm just surrounded by so many things and I can't seem to catch a break or my breath. It sucks to feel bad and know that I'm not getting the medical care I need or deserve and I'm just tired of dealing with the system that takes me for granted. I want to turn it off and make the noises in my head just be quiet for a little while so I can sleep and find sweet slumber to relax my poor aching joints. I'm sad for the families who will be without loved ones this year as they defend our freedom on foreign soil or they have lost them to that war. I'm sad for the families who have so little this holiday season and there's nothing I can do to help them out. It is hard as a co-dependent to feel so exceptionally helpless.

If only the world would cut me a break....if only...

When did common sense become so uncommon?

Ever been in a room surrounded by people who function in society and the real world - and realize you are the only adult in the room? What happened to good old fashioned common sense? It isn't as common as it used to be. I meet a lot of people who are highly intelligent and book smart people but who couldn't find their way out of a paper bag with directions. Maybe it is just me, perhaps I just attract these people like moths to a flame. Maybe I need to add more chlorine to the gene pool around me. Sometimes it feels I'm drowning in stupidity. It isn't just the people I know directly - look at our legislators.

Here's a perfect example - the governor of Texas Rick Perry is an idiot. Diesel emissions contain PM 2.5 which is bad for people - especially those with sensitive airways to breathe. The Texas legislature did something proactive to protect our children - they passed a law to stop diesel bus idling in school zones which not only sick children are exposed to but also the well children and the school staff. This was an unfunded mandate but it cost NOTHING to do. In his infinite wisdom, Governor Perry vetoed the bill. I hear Bill Ingval in my head saying "here's your sign". Governor Perry felt it should be left to each district to implement on their own. Well duh! If they were already doing it on their own we wouldn't need a law to force them now would we?!? Again, where was the common sense?

Common sense is a commodity that is missed. Perhaps if a few more people showed a little more we wouldn't be in the situation we are in in the US. But, what do I know, I'm just little old me typing in this little old box.




xoxo
Pandora

Oh nooooo....say it ain't so....OU TO GO?!?!?

Well, the Bullshit College System strikes again. I am sad, stunned and amazed at how broken the college system really is. How can a team that lost heads up go to the championship game over my horns?!? On top of that - it is OU. I challenge you all to go back and review the schedules. Texas had a much tougher schedule and not even that played in to our favor.

I know I am biased but, it is past time that we look at a playoff system in the college football game. We have it in basketball - we have it in baseball - why should football be any different?? I don't know who set up the Big XII tie breaker system but I would like to know if they were locked in a room with Ricky Williams smoking dope when they did it! Even the SEC has a better tie breaker system and that is just scary since they are the backwoods conference and you only have a full set of teeth when you get all their cheerleaders in one room.

I guess I will be a big Mizzou fan next week. GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO TIGERS!

An Open Letter to President-Elect Obama and My Thoughts

I came across this interesting open letter to President-Elect Obama and you know me...I can't just let some things go sometimes...so...I am including both the letter and my thoughts. My thoughts - are in italics....

To President-Elect Barack Obama

Dear Sir,

Congratulations on your election as our 44th President.

I will be up front by saying that I did not vote for you. Bearing that in mind, I will not turn this into some ill conceived mantra about parties or experience. At this point, that is a moot discussion. You have won the election, so it is time to look forward.

While you profess to look forward you are holding a man accountable for the things that have happened in the past. He isn't even "officially" in the office yet and you hold him to a standard that you've let your candidate for the last 8 years skate by with.

I am writing, because I think that government officials are there to serve the people they govern, not the other way around. I believe that I have a right for my voice to be heard; my concerns addressed. I believe I have the right to speak, man to man, to my president.

You speak of civil liberties and rights yet your party doesn't want to let me as a woman control my own body. I believe I have a right woman to man to tell men to back up off me and let me do what I want with my body. I believe government officials are there to serve the people they govern and it is unfortunate that your party has wrapped itself in a shroud of a mythical being and they serve him before they serve our country. They wrap themselves in the flag and the bible and call it governing for the people, yet it isn't their job to decide my morals and ethics.

I am no 'Joe the Plumber.' I am 47, live in the Midwest and manage my family's business. I am an average citizen. I have traditionally voted with a conservative republican slant. I have to say, at this point, I feel betrayed by both parties. To the point that I am giving up my party affiliations and am becoming a declared Independent.

This letter is about as independent as I am virginous. And "Joe the Plumber" isn't even "Joe the Plumber".

President-Elect Obama, I am also a parent. I have a 19 year old son that will be graduating from recruit training at Fort Sill, Oklahoma this weekend. My son will be spending three years serving in an army that will look to you for leadership. I would ask that you always remember that the soldiers, sailors, airmen and marines under your command are not just id numbers or numbers to be used to fill force readiness reports. They are husbands, wives, sons, daughters, mothers and fathers. They are all volunteers. Use those men and women to safeguard our national good. Please do not waste their lives. I am putting my son's life in your hands. I expect you to give him back. If fate determines that you cannot, search your soul and make sure that he and his brothers and sisters have not died in vain.

As a veteran of Reagan's military, I understand that conflicts happen. They happen and sometimes, you just can't walk away from them. Fight those conflicts. Fight them intelligently and well. Then bring my son home to me.

I commend the service that you and your family have given to our country - I too come from a family who served in the armed forces. It is unfortunate you and your fellow conservative Republicans didn't feel the need to ask for these men and women not to be id numbers in a war that was fought simply over a disdain for a man and his hatred of our current presidents father. While I agree both parties are to blame, it is the current commander in chief that has us fighting on two fronts and has alienated our long time allies in the process. President-Elect Obama has already committed to reaching out to even our foes and trying to find diplomatic resolutions and stopping the shed of American blood on foreign shores.


As I said earlier, I manage my family's business. A small family run grocery store that serves a community of less than 1500 people. Over the past few months, I have listened to captains of industry come and beg for money, because it's "Just too expensive to do business in this economic climate." It strikes me that there has been a vast amount of fiscal irresponsibility and downright greed. I have heard automakers complain they can't do business. It has been a hallmark of American business to be flexible and responsive to the economic climate and the wants of it's customers. The automakers have seen and chosen to ignore new technology that would have made them far more competitive, yet instead, they flooded the market with vehicles that people increasingly didn't want. Now they want American tax dollars to bail them out. I ask you, Sir, would the government be willing to bail out my grocery store? No, and they would be correct not to do so, because it is my job to make good decisions for my business. Are we any more correct to do so for bigger businesses because they employ more people? They are still called to make the same kinds of choices that I am. They still need to be good businessmen. You, as our President, must ask yourself "Are we rewarding bad choices? Greedy behavior?" So I ask you, Sir, think hard before putting my tax dollars to such use. Once done, it sets a precedence that can't be undone.

Again, it is your lame duck president who is bailing out big business. President-Elect Obama has little to do with what is going on currently and has even issued a challenge to America's automakers and making their receipt of funds dependent on them changing their business practice. I agree that more needs to happen for middle America, for Mom and Pop Mainstreet and that is what President-Elect Obama ran his campaign on and yet you chose to vote for a man who wanted to give larger tax breaks to the companies you want us to think twice before bailing out. That smacks of a double standard by which you hold these candidates to.


Finally, President-Elect Obama, I would ask you to consider the repercussions to our country before speaking for amnesty for illegal immigrants. I keep hearing that unemployment could rise to 8%. How can amnesty help that number? President Bush has said that there are some jobs Americans just will not do. If that is the case, we should be ashamed of ourselves. If such work needs to be done cheaply, wouldn't it be more reasonable to use prison inmates for things like agricultural fieldwork? As most of the illegal immigrants are Mexican, is it not the responsibility of the Mexican government to improve conditions for their own people and not leave it to America? What would the world say if we were to engage in that kind of behavior?

There is also a need to control our boarders to keep out those that would try to use the US/Mexican boarder as an avenue to enter the United States and do us ill. 9/11 was a wake up call for the United States, but it is a call that we have forgotten. Please, Sir, keep my countrymen safe.

We have multiple borders - not just the Mexican border that needs safeguarding. Yet, your lame duck president wants to build a fence to keep illegals out?!? While I question the amnesty thing - I also realize it would take billions of dollars to round up all the illegals that are here and return them to their homeland. What happened to send us your hungry and poor? We have always been a country of immigrants and perhaps we need to go back to that policy instead of being controlled by fear. It is time to start a new and find new ways to deal with our problems instead of throwing millions to a fence that will be as useless as the Berlin Wall in the late years. You are all about Reagan and his policies and wasn't he the man who challenged Russia to tear down the wall? We can't become a country of isolationism. I agree that we need to find new ways to reduce our unemployment. I also agree we should use inmates and even welfare recipients - turn the system into workfare instead to do those jobs that "most Americans just won't do".

Sir, as I've said, I did not vote for you, and I see dark times ahead for our country. Man to man, I ask you to consider carefully your actions over the next four years. I didn't like a lot of the things you had to say over the course of the campaign. Please, Sir, prove me wrong.

While I commend you issuing this challenge to MY president, I regret that you didn't hold your president as accountable and perhaps we wouldn't be in the financial crisis we are currently in. Perhaps we wouldn't have alienated so many of our allies along the way when we were trying to "liberate" Iraq. Perhaps North Korea would still be willing to discuss the nukes they have. Perhaps we would still be operating in a budget surplus instead of a defecit that our children will be paying off for years. I commend you for finally stepping up and holding someone accountable, I fear it is just too late.

Perhaps instead of being so adversarial to our new President-Elect, you should consider being more supportive and instead of issuing a challenge asking him to prove you wrong, you should be more supportive and work harder to take ownership in your community to prove him right - that we can still be a country built of the people, by the people and for the people - so while you challenge president-elect Obama, I challenge you.

Life in an Alcoholic Family

Hi....I'm Pandora....and I'm the child of an alcoholic. I spend a lot of time reflecting on what makes us who we are and what drives the choices we make. It both amazes and baffles me how much our childhood impacts us as adults. I am the youngest of 7 children and there is a significant age gap between me and the other 6 siblings. It was almost like being an only child at times. It is hard to grow up the only child in a family of 7. Most of you also know that I'm a rape survivor, so I've spent my fair share of time in therapy analyzing what put me in a position to be a "victim". As part of that I've spent time looking at addiction and the dynamics of a family who is embroiled in addiction. I am certain that has played a major role in my being a co-dependent and it has impacted some of my siblings in that way as well. I don't think the people who are the addicts realize the impact they have on those around them. They are oblivious to the fact that they put us in a position, especially if they are the parent, to become the parent. The family becomes so enmeshed in drama that even when the addiction comes to an end without years of treatment and therapy, it perpetuates throughout our adulthood often without us even knowing it. I see people around me, people that I love dearly, who couldn't survive without the continuation of the drama. They don't understand it, they don't see it or they just don't know any other way. It is hard when you want to change and break that pattern but, you don't want to break ties with those you love. It is a fine line and a tightrope to walk.

Growing up, I had a very different childhood than my other siblings. The father I knew was very different than the father they knew. The abusive drunk was someone else, I knew the man that was a kinder gentler drunk. I spent my early childhood sitting on the bar eating peanuts and playing with pool balls. I have siblings that resent the fact that I wasn't a part of the violence and mayhem that they knew. While I empathize with them, that isn't my fault nor my choice. While I missed out on the harder times, I also missed out on the bonding and family sharing that they knew growing up. I've spent a lifetime trying to make it up to them but, I've learned that it isn't my fault nor something I can ever make up. We can't go back and change time, we can't be who others want us to be. We are who we are and if people can't find a way to accept that, then at some point we have to set our own boundaries and learn to enforce them. I struggle with that enforcement. While I regret what they went through, that doesn't mean that it didn't impact me any less. The dynamics of an addicted family are always the same and as adults, eventually we choose to repeat the mistakes by surrounding ourself with people who perpetuate the chaos because it is what we know or we decide to end the cycle. I for one am choosing to no longer be a part of the cycle. My children deserve better than that. I deserve better than that.

I love my family and my parents and this post is in no way meant to criticize or demean anyone. It is to simply taking ownership and find my voice about this situation. It is why I started this blog to begin with. Perhaps if I can find the strength to share my experiences, then someone out there will find the strength to conquer their inner demons. To thine own self be true and if I didn't share this experience I wouldn't be true to myself.

More on this topic to come....

Thankfullness

We all spend a lot of time complaining about this or that. I know I'm very guilty of that. But, as I look over the last few weeks, even though I've hit some all time lows with loss of pets, etc., I have a great deal to be thankful for and just wanted to take a minute or two to remind myself and those around me that I am thankful for my blessings.

I'm thankful for my pets - who surround me with unconditional love. They comfort me when I'm down and warm my body and soul like nothing or no one else can.

I'm thankful for my children - who are all happy, healthy, and well adjusted - even with a mom like me! They are exceptionally bright and make home schooling them very easy to do. I appreciate that they are well balanced and I know where they stand on things. They are independent thinkers and have a good value system.

I'm thankful for those that love me and care about me - my family and my friends. I always know that out there when I need it most there is someone who will pick up the other end of the line and just listen or pick me up when I need someone to lift my spirits.

I'm thankful that despite my health issues and the uncertainty with them, I'm still here and kicking. I have faith that at some point in the coming weeks - someone out there will figure it all out.

I'm thankful that my mom who faced kidney cancer can now say she is a cancer survivor. As quickly as it came on and was discovered, it was taken out. Things could have been so much worse but, she discovered it early and it was contained and that is a huge blessing.

Most of all, I'm thankful for all of you - those that come here and read what I have to say and make it feel like it matters - that what I think, feel and believe matters to someone out there.

xoxo

Pandora

BCS - Bullshit College System

Well we all know that I'm a huge sports fan. I follow college football - not just the Big XII but all college football conferences. It is time for a fair playoff system at the college level. I'm tired of it being a popularity conference - not just because UT is probably going to get screwed out of a BCS championship game...again. I want to see more football and I want to see it be about football and not popularity and who is the flavor of the week. I admit - I'm very biased but look at the Big XII this season for instance. We will probably end up with a 3 way tie for the Bix XII South championship. The team that wins the division will be the team with the highest ranking in the BCS rankings. There are 3 parts to the BCS rankings - the computers who judge on "style" points, strength of schedule, and some other things. Then you have the AP poll who is based on the experts that look at the whole spectrum - not just one conference or another - they watch all the games for each weekend - leaves some subjectivity to the rankings. Then there is the Coaches' Poll - talk about a popularity conference. It is who did what for me last in that one. It doesn't matter that Texas faced 4 top 10 teams in 4 weeks and lost in the last 3 seconds in the last game of that stretch. The thing they remember last is that Oklahoma beat up on Tech who was the team we lost to in the final seconds of that game. Oklahoma has had an easier schedule but because their "big" win came at the end of the season - they will get the "style" points even after we beat them head to head! Then there are teams out there with 1 loss like these Big XII teams, who are in the running based on their reputation only - like USC (University of Spoiled Children) and Florida - seriously - who has Florida really faced this year?!? We have teams that have to play an extra game a year and have a championship game for their conference and others who don't have the risk of that loss going to their record.

If Bama goes undefeated go ahead and put them in the championship bowl game but, if they lose lets see a Big XII rematch - Texas vs. Oklahoma - nothing says we can't have 2 Big XII teams in the championship other than voters who are too closed minded to think outside their little box. Until we have a playoff system, we will still be forced to deal with this bullshit college system that leaves way too much up to subjective opinion and not to who is most deserving of the opportunity to play in the big game.

I've Grown Up....Some

Well, mom is home safe and sound. I'm amazed at how quickly she was released. She is 74 years old and just lost a vital organ but hey, lets send her home 36 hours later! I'm happy to volunteer to help her the next week or two to get back on her feet and well on her way to recovery. It isn't always the easiest task to take care of loved ones. I'm surprised how many times I've seen the "bird" flying so freely around her house!

I know every family has its own dynamics but, I must tell you that I am just starting to fully understand the dynamics in mine. I'm actually a little proud of myself if I do say so myself. A certain family member is busting my chops. I do absolutely nothing correctly in her opinion when it comes to the care of my mother and she has no problem expressing that. Normally, that would prompt a fit of outrage after some time of festering and building up and an explosion on my part that just leads to her feeling happy and successful in her pushing my buttons. But not this time. I've finally grown up...or I'm just too tired and numb after the last weeks events to care any more. She is trying to jump up and down on the big red button but I guess it is broken cause I'm just not in to the reacting over it. So here is a shout out to myself and a yeah me for realizing that you can be 54 and still act like a childish teen and at 37 you really can finally grow up.

Warm fuzzy hugs for the world and for myself

At a Loss for Words

Losing someone or something you care about is always a traumatic event. Some people I know and care about have recently lost animals they've had in their lives for long periods of time and I understand the pain they feel about it. I totally understand the heartache associated with the loss of an unconditional love.

I wanted to share a recent experience. After a long day of thinking April was doing well, I was shocked to find out that she was not doing well and in fact in great pain and bleeding in to her stomach. I traveled to the vet to say goodbye to someone I've known longer than my husband. I was sad and my heart was breaking. I was talking to the vet - a great equine vet I want to mention - and he was explaining the situation to me through his perspective. At the time, I was more focused on April and spending time with her and half-heartedly listening to him in the background. He stressed how "If April was a valuable mare or had worth as breeding stock then he could see spending the $6-7K to operate but at her age and since she wasn't valuable he didn't see the point or worth". In my sadness and the heartache of the moment, I didn't respond but the more I think about it the more I get pissed off at the fact that to him because she was simply a family pet - a mare who was 26 years old she had no value and to me - she is absolutely priceless. To most people she was probably just a mare but to those of us blessed with the capability to love outside our species you can't put a price on that kind of unconditional love. I'm sad to see that someone who is entrusted with the care of our loved ones can be that business like and calculated with them. So, I'm sad and angry and just not really sure how to handle it. Do I really want someone that can be so cold in one of my worst times of need to care for my remaining pets? Doc Louie is great as a diagnostician but his bedside manner leaves something to be greatly desired.

Again, I think this goes to reflect just how as a society we have grown to devalue life so much on all levels. It is sad that even those we trust the most to care about those the most vulnerable see them simply as dollars and cents.

A still very heartbroken Pandora wishing the world was just a little kinder
XoXo

Another Healthcare Rant

Okay, so my mom is in a military hospital that at one time was the jewel in the crown of the air force training facilities. It no longer is that sparkling jewel. The building is showing its age and with all the BRAC changes it is no longer a teaching hospital. While the majority of doctors at the facility are still Air Force Physicians - the support staff - primarily the nurses are contract labor and boy does it show. While the majority of the patients now seen at this facility are basic trainees and retired military and their dependents, there are still some active duty that are seen here and the quality of care received on the floors is atrocious. I've had the pleasure....or displeasure of spending several days on the wards the last few weeks and the nursing staff and the medical assistants are slow to respond, often not very polite or sociable, and don't even follow their own protocol for their patients. If my mom is a fall risk and you have her tagged that way, then when she needs to use the ladies room you don't make a 74 year old woman wait 15 minutes and finally respond when we set off the bed alarm because I got her up to take her. Me being my charming self had to let the charge nurse tonight know exactly how I felt. After spending the day with my mom - her in pain - 4 hours out of a kidney removal surgery - left sitting in a chair for 4 1/2 hours and having to ask repeatedly to be helped back to her bed, it took me being bitchy to get it done. But I tell you what - at 2000 hours - that charge nurse had her snotty self in there telling me visiting hours were over. I was left with no choice but to tell her it was unfortunate they didn't spend as much time tending to their patient's needs as they did running my ass out at the end of visiting hours. I don't know why they do that anyway since the whole time I'm there I do their job! She didn't care for my attitude .

If no one speaks up - we will never put the care back in to healthcare.

Again, a tired and somewhat beaten up Pandora is wishing you the best. Pet your significant others and hug your pets.

xoxo

Pandora

I don't do waiting well....

So, here we sit waiting on our Mom to have her surgery. This has been a whirlwind. We went from flu like symptoms to you have kidney cancer and we are taking your kidney out in the blink of an eye. I thought until last night that I was just comfortably numb. There has been so much heaped upon my plate lately - Stalker X, my own health issues, Mom and then last night loosing April - well, I'm no longer comfortable and definitely no longer numb. I see more and more happening around me and feel like I'm in a spiral slipping down and away. I hear it is darkest before the dawn and I try to hold on to faith that I won't have more thrown at me than I can handle. I hope that is true because right now, I feel very inadequate to handle all these things. I'm just a blip on the radar of the universe.

Again, I'm surrounded by people yet feel so alone. I wish I could take down the wall and say that I really need support and help but, that's just not who I am so I will continue to to muddle through and hold on to what little faith I have left.

In the meantime....I will sit here and wait for them to tell me surgery is over and Mom is in her room waiting to hear that her job right now is nothing more than to "smile and wave boys."

A very heartbroken Pandora wishing the world a happier day than I'm having.

XoXo

The Loss of a Friend

Last night, I had to put down one of my very best friends in the world. She grew up with me. People come and go in our lives and too often we take them for granted. When something or someone becomes hard, we tend to find them disposable or make excuses why they aren't in our lives. I find a great comfort in my animals. I surround myself with them because they have always been who I can depend on. No matter my mood, the day, how long it had been since I had showed them love last, they have always stood by me and April was no exception. She was a gift from my dad and I grew up with her. She had been an integral part of my life for 24 years. That is longer than most marriages in this day and age. She raised me and instilled in me my love for horses. I will never have another horse like her. She was abused as a young filly - beaten by her trainers because she wasn't running fast enough. She was a descendant of Man of War and in her final race to the end of life she showed every bit of poise and grace. In fact, although she was in a great deal of pain those last few minutes, she stood stoically and allowed me to love her and tell her my goodbyes. She never took it out on me because humans had been so unforgiving to her. She had a huge heart. She started my children on their path to be horse lovers. As much as my heart aches - and I'm sure it will for a very long time - one of the hardest things I had to do was tell my children and know that they felt the same ache I did and as a parent there was nothing I could do to stop that pain for them. You pay a price for that kind of love when it leaves this earth and moves to another plane. But, we will all regroup, and continue to love and share of ourselves because it wouldn't do her justice to stop loving just because she is no longer here. So to one of my very best friends, my "Mom", I bid you farewell for now and hope that you run wild and free in the meadow of your dreams. I love you and will always be grateful for what you have given to me.

A True Conundrum

So, most of you know I have a stalker who I call stalker X. Without going in to a lot of the history at this time because I'm just not ready to do that, let me just say that Stalker X has resurfaced with a vengeance. I get several text messages, emails and even phone calls from him. I've tried very hard to find ways to get myself out of this situation without asking for help because for one that is just really hard for me to do. Additionally, what everyone wants to seem to tell me is that I need to seek legal help and for various reasons I don't see that as a viable option. So, I feel rather trapped in this conundrum.

I was recently asked what the pay off for me is - what do I get out of not trying harder to put a stop to his unwanted attention. So I thought about this long and hard and there is no pay off for me other than I keep my bubble around me - even if it is just an illusion I feel like I have some control over things. If I limit it to emails then I don't have to hear his voice, if it is text messages, then again, it is still just words on a screen. When I ignore those long enough it escalates into phone calls from phone numbers I don't know so I'm back to monitoring my calls. It is all so easy for everyone on the outside looking in to tell me what I need to do - file a restraining order, change your number, block his emails. It just doesn't work that way. Think about our legal system and how inadequate it is in protecting women from abusive men. How many times have we all heard about the man that walks through the protective order and kills his girlfriend or wife? Sure, it is a nice piece of paper that will show to the court system later that he was a threat to me but, what good does that do me when I'm a cold corpse in a morgue somewhere? It won't be worth the paper it is written on. So my pay off is the illusion of some control - I can keep from having to see him in person. I can hide in my fear and denial and not have to face all of the reality of the situation.

I wish I had faith in the legal system to protect me but, my experience with the system is anything but protective - especially in this backwards thinking state. I wish I had the strength that everyone wants me to have to confront this situation head on but, sadly I don't. I have to pick and choose my battles. I'm not ready to take this battle on. I'm not physically or mentally strong enough. So I spend my time shrouded in fear and denial waiting on the other shoe to drop and while it isn't a healthy way to live right now it is how I live and that is the best I have to offer right now.

Stalker X is now single too - so he has put on the full court press. At some point, I will find my breaking point and meet him head on. I just hope when that day comes it is on my terms and not his. So while I appreciate all the offers and the suggestions on how to handle the situation, I hope everyone reading this understands I'm just not there - a part of me has never left Atlanta and I'm not sure it ever will.

Now I know why they call it "practicing" medicine.....

because most of them have no clue what they are doing! So, after weeks of waiting I saw both my doctors in the last two days and guess what I now know about my condition - nothing more than I knew before I went!!!! I am so discouraged with the healthcare system. I'm tired of being poked and prodded and being no further along than I was before I started all this.

So I followed up on the mass on the ovary that they found. The doctor I saw was great - she was social and seemed really thorough. Unfortunately, she doesn't like CT scans of ovaries she wants an ultrasound - oh goodie another test! Too bad she only uses a certain ultrasound technician and too bad she wants to see me the same day I get the test because that means I wait until December 11th to get that done. That just makes it 3 months since the mass was found before someone else takes a more "in depth" look at it.

Then I saw the other doctor - Dr. D. While I really like Dr. D as a person, she is starting to really piss me off. I spent 3 hours at her office for her to pat me on my head and send me on my way with no more information than I had when I walked in the door. She did no blood work to verify if my titers had gone down or up or leveled off. She still is telling me it is the Epstein Barr Virus - you know...the one that lasts 4-6 weeks but I'm going on 15 weeks now. She gave me some medicine that is "like drinking 10 cups of coffee all at once without the other side effects of coffee". Ummm what does that even mean?!? So she wants to see me back in 4 weeks again. There is still nothing for the joint pain - and the mass on my neck is still there. You know...the mass that has had 2 ultrasounds saying it is enlarged lymph nodes - even had a needle biopsy saying it was reactive lymph nodes but now her magic fingers say it is just a soft tissue mass and her xray vision says it is nothing to be concerned about.

In healthcare and health advocacy, we preach early detection and early treatment. Most diseases and conditions can be well managed and even cured with early detection and treatment. I've done what patients are supposed to do and we are going in to December and I still know nothing more than I did. Yes, I'm fed up and tired and ready to feel better but, I'm running out of options as to where to find those answers.

Again, there is no care in healthcare any longer.

I'm sad to see just how far we have slipped. I wonder if I didn't have good health insurance if I would still be getting the run around I'm getting now....no wait....I'd be dead.

Game Day

Okay, been a few days since I've posted again but, I'm back in time for GAME DAY! Just a quick

HOOK 'EM HORNS!!!!!

And, I'm off to bed....more to come later.

xoxo

Pandora

The Day After the Day After

This is a response to an email I received that I thought I would share with the readers of my blog. I will ask the original writer if I can post his original thoughts so this might make more sense but I hope you understand the larger part of this writing.



The day after the day after I still hold the belief that no matter what party is in control in Washington, the difference to me is still negligible. Agreed, it isn't to say that it doesn't matter because how our government is run does impact and influence our opportunity for success or failure but, we as citizens are in control of our own fates/destiny. The day after the day after - that hasn't changed. We make the choices of who we put in office and we continue to put the same people back in positions to change and shape not only our future but those of our children. So we are to blame for the whole lot of them and not just the 1 who occupies the oval office.

For those of us that supported Obama, we still hold our optimism that it can't be status quo. The day after the day after, I have no trouble swallowing my choice. I still believe that there are people in the world that want the greater good for our country and our world. This election inspired people and brought more people to the polls. For the first time in a very long time, the apathy that has engulfed our country was overrun by an inspiration to bring about change and that was from both camps. The world stood still for the first time since 9/11 and watched America to see how we would deal with our latest crisis (both the financial crisis and the crisis of our position as being seen as a world leader and not a world bully). The day after the day after - the world's opinion of America changed for the better for the first time since our occupation of Iraq. (Yes, I support our troops wholeheartedly and for those that read my blog, you will know that I thank them and my children thank them every opportunity we get. But, I would rather the tax dollars that continue to bleed us dry supporting a country that should be rebuilding on it's own should be going to change our infrastructure and our school systems that are shaping our future leaders.)

One of the mantras of change was ending the partisan bickering of Washington. You show me a politician who hasn't shown his ass so to speak at some point in his career and said something stupid or been misquoted and I will show you a politician who isn't elected or is out of office. When you have republican congressional candidates running ads that tout their ability to work with Obama before the vote even took place, that shows a hope that there will be a reaching across the aisle so the day after the day after, I highly doubt that there won't be some bipartisanship that can achieve great things for our country.

The day after the day after - I am truly scared for all of our children. That has nothing to do with the person who is in the oval office but, more to do with the polarization our country still faces. We aren't a two party system as we once were - we aren't republicans and democrats - we are conservatives and liberals. The middle ground which most of us walk upon is lost by these polarizing forces who because they speak the loudest get the most attention. While a person's acquaintances do reflect on the person, the fact that a person can hold on to their own beliefs and still respect the beliefs off those who differ from them speaks more to me about his ability to see both sides of an argument and draw from both points of view to do what is best for our country and the world. At least his acquaintances are also real and not fictional characters like Joe the Plumber. Yes, I know many feel I'm a card carrying liberal but the truth be told I'm a middle of the road independent who strongly believes in right and wrong, ethics and morals but not those that one party or the other says is right for me, not those that my church or synagogue says is right for me but those that are based on my own belief system say are right for me.

What the hell was I thinking he asks - I was thinking this - all political figures have questionable associations - McCain was tied to John Hagee who being local we all know is a zealot which I've witnessed first hand having come from that school. You didn't mention Rashid Khalidi - a controversial man that both candidates had a relationship with. Not to mention, he chose a running mate whose husband belongs to an organization that wants to secede from the country. Those who live in glass houses shouldn't cast stones.

I was thinking that abortion - even late term abortion is a moral and ethical issue and not a political issue that I don't want my government to control. You fire shots at Obama as a socialist, Marxist, communist - yet telling someone what to do with their own body couldn't be any more of those things. When men acquire the ability to have children, lets discuss this topic further - until then it is my body and my choice and as I've stated in my blog, it wouldn't be a choice I would make but it is one I wouldn't deny another woman. Perhaps if someone was teaching our children sex education then we would decrease the amount of unwanted pregnancies that end in abortion. We say this should be a parental responsibility and while I agree, the sad truth is it just isn't happening. Our schools are overburdened and underfunded. Sex education at the public schools is left in the control of the state - not the federal government so no matter what the person in the oval office advocates for, the control still sits in Austin. With this current legislative policy, Texas teens lead the nation in birth rate with a staggering 25% of those giving birth not being the girl's first delivery. This is the policy that has been embraced by the Republican leadership in Austin - both Bush and Perry. Furthermore, with that control firmly resting in Austin the current policy is IF sex education is offered by a district, abstinence is taught to be the only choice and there is no alternative method provided. If you are really interested in the Bexar County numbers alone - I have those somewhere and am happy to share them but what jumped out at me (and will Ed I'm sure) is that there are 12 year olds in our city having babies - that is the age of our daughters. There are 14 year olds on their second child. If that doesn't scare us, then nothing will. Obviously, there is no parental unit providing the education on sex. Think about the potential for the explosion of STDs for this group as well and what that will do to our healthcare system as many of these are on our indigent population rolls. We pay for their birthing and their healthcare now as they sit at home and do nothing yet there are those hardworking Americans who can't afford healthcare that isn't provided by their employer. Neither of the candidates has the answer to the healthcare crisis in our country and until we as consummers demand better benefits from healthplans with lower premiums and more choice then we will be left with those most deserving of the services left out in the cold.

Look at our own education system in Texas - we have unfunded mandates that are passed every two years and that is by a Republican controlled legislature and Governor. Then we have no child left behind, a wonderful Republican initiative that has backfired and left more of our children struggling within an education system that teaches testing and not the skill sets to make successful young adults out of our children. So, what was I thinking - I was thinking it can't get worse than the last eight years. So that's what I was thinking.

The day after the day after I see the light at the end of the tunnel too - and it is a train. It is a train that is bringing hope to a country that for years - even during the Bush, Sr. and Clinton presidencies walked around in a fog and did nothing about our overspending and underfunding initiatives that has left us in this mess we are in now. I can't speak about the "peanut farmer's economy" as I was still playing with Barbies back when he was in office but I can say this - a lot of the fear that is running rampant through the dialogue that has been shared is based on inaccuracies promulgated by the far right. I strongly agree that hard work should be rewarded. I can tell you how to get a job from someone that has no money - join the nonprofit sector! "Sharing the wealth" is something even McCain wanted to do - look at the first link I provide later.

The day after the day after - I'm still confused at how there is so much misinformation still floating around. I could go on about the tax plans but, instead, I would like to provide you with a link to correct the misinformation that still persists about small business taxes and the tax plans of the two candidates.

Small Business Taxation
http://www.factcheck.org/elections-2008/right_change_is_wrong.html
Pretty much gives info on every issue for both candidates since there was misinformation shared by both parties
www.factcheck.org
Partial-Birth Abortion - FYI this is not even a true medical term
http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=5168163

So, the day after the day after, I hold on to an optimism that for the first time in a long time the electorate is engaged and the world is watching. How our country shapes its' future isn't on the shoulders of Obama but on you and I. What we choose to do within our own piece of the world. We can either accept the new change and try moving forward and being a part of the team or we can sit back and be controlled by fear and misinformation as a certain party in our governmental system has wanted us to do for the last 8 years. We can mentor those young minds - not those in our own circles but those that couldn't be further from our own circles. We can reach out to the 3rd and 4th generation welfare recipients and show them there is a better way than expecting a handout but instead a hand up. Something has to change and it has to start somewhere other than Washington to take a firm grasp in our country and reshape the future path we are taking. As for me, I'm choosing to be a part of the solution and not a part of the problem. How about you?