Good Morning World....

....or is it goodnight? Just a little bitchin' to do this morning. I still haven't slept and I am feeling it. Unfortunately, it is time to start my day.

Just curious - anyone still out there or am I posting just to see myself type? I haven't heard from any of my readers lately and ummm just wondering if I'm sitting here all alone.

I miss my babies - both human and furry. So all of you who are with your family out there....pet the kids and hug the pets.

xoxo

I wish....

I could sleep!!!! It is 2 in the morning here in Philly. I can still hear sirens now and again. All the people partying from the series win still. Between being in a strange bed and city alone, the hotel incident from last week and the partying outside, sleeping seems a distant memory. Unfortunately, I have to finish a work project and have it in tomorrow too so I am trying to be productive.

Have you ever noticed that when you can't sleep things start to snowball? You can't sleep and then your brain engages - all the days events, all the things you know are on that never ending to-do list, all the stresses and worries of life. Some people you know who you are - are able to sleep through anything! I wish I had that talent. I guess that's how my brain works even when I'm awake. I have to be doing multiple things at once. Talking to the kids, typing on the computer and watching tv all at the same time is not all that uncommon. I can't just do one thing at a time or it drives me nuts.

I let my fear get the better of me today. I didn't venture out and eat dinner even. So now - at 2 in the morning I just realized I really am hungry so my LornaDoone cookies from the plane the other day will have to suffice as my dinner with some bottled water. Now THAT'S nutrition! Ahh woohoo I found some peanuts too.

On a lighter note - baseball season is officially over so I can start the countdown to next year. Just wait....next year will be the Cubs year. Oh well....better get back to work.

Hoping everyone who reads this is fast asleep and having sweet dreams.

xoxo

Pandora

In My Head

Do you hear that?
The silence is deafening. It wears me down - isolates me from those I love.
Do you see that?
It's the shadow of the person I was - the one before him. The one who violated my trust.
Do you smell that?
It's a mixture of mixture - him, his skin, mixed with my fear. No wait, it's blood - my blood and tears.
Do you feel that?
It's a chill. It rattles me to my core. Breath on my skin, fists breaking me down and leaving the person I was broken.
Do you taste that?
The mixture of blood and tears - a taste I'll never forget. Alcohol - beer - I hate beer. The combination of it all still makes me gag.
That silence now pierced by the screams in my head. The voice, the sounds, the muffled TV in the background, all blending in. I retreat to a place so deep within I'm not sure I'll ever reemerge. Do you see me?

Another Day....

and still not feeling better. I sit here at the airport with my flight delayed 5 hours for weather and all my joints are aching today. I've researched Epstein Barr Virus until I'm blue in the face no pun intended and while I'm not doubting the doctors tests - I am doubting that that is all that is wrong with me. I am so tired of feeling this way. I went from a fully functioning and active person to someone that has to nap to make it through my day. I live on icy hot - both the roll on and patches to get through my day and when I'm not hitting the icy hot I'm having to take pain meds to relieve some of the discomfort. The lymph nodes on my clavicle still haven't gone down any. I'm marking the days off on my calendar before I see the doctor again - 23 to go but who is counting.... oh wait, that would be ME!

Again, let me say that I know there are really great physicians out there. Apparently, I just can't find them or the ones I find are so busy and I'm not assertive enough (yeah right!) to get an answer. It makes me question so many things. What happens to the patients that aren't like me and persistent and demanding? What happens to the ones that don't have insurance and can't afford to keep going back and asking new questions? It is scary to think this is the type of "care" we get. Again, I say, we've lost the care out of health care. Everyone wants to feel their best and just because you don't have the answers doesn't mean that there isn't something truly wrong with your patient. Even someone as strong-willed as myself starts to doubt and those little moments creep in where I do question if there is something really wrong with me or if I'm just being a baby about this "virus". Then I reread the signs and symptoms and see that they only last 2 months at most. My first doctors appointment to address this was August 6th....yes that is 83 days but again - who is counting. I am just shy of 3 months worth of feeling like crap and no closer to a resolution than I was when I went in.

So...what's an unhappy patient to do? I've fired my primary care physician. I've consulted a specialist who sent me to another specialist who sent me back to the first specialist who is sending me to another specialist and then seeing me again herself. Confusing enough for ya? I will be happy when we reach a point in our health care system when the patient's participation is valued more by those administering the care. I know that day is coming. I can tell my physicians that there will be a come to Jesus meeting sooner than they think if this continues.

Until then - this is Pandora bored and in misery at the airport - wishing I hadn't packed the icy hot in my checked bag.

xoxo

Another Week Another Win

Man...it was a tough weekend for the Horns! Roxy up there had to find some liquid comfort after all that stress! It will be another week of high octane and energy going against Texas Tech but I have faith in my Horns and know we can pull it out even if we have to go to Lubbock today....you know that old Mack Davis song...Happiness is Lubbock Texas in my Rearview Mirror.....will be good when this week is over and we are past the top 10 teams.

As for the other teams on my list - damn Tampa Bay teams are both letting me down. I can't believe Jeff Garcia couldn't punch one damn drive in to the endzone and let the cowgirls win and the Phillies?!? I mean come on - I'm finally cheering for an AL team and they can't get past the damn Phillies?!? Oy vey!

On a little side note - as much as I dislike the Patriots and Tom Brady imparticular - I really don't want to see his career ended with a post operative infection. I hope that he is able to come back so the rest of the teams can kick his ass :)

People Never Cease to Amaze Me

I've been trying to find homes for the puppies. I'm very selective of course as these are like my kids. Well, I've spent some time surfing craigslist. I'm amazed what you can find there. Did you know that you can actually post prostitution opportunities on this site?!? It just saddens me that we are at a point in our lifetime when life means so little. I understand that this type of thing happens and in some states is even legal. I guess I am naive and think that we should think more about ourselves than that. Anyway....something else I stumbled upon while surfing this site was a "pet removal service". So, I clicked the link. There in black and white was an ad that read the following: Have an unwanted pet? We will come to your home and pose as adoptive family so your wife and kids don't know and remove the pet from your home and take it to our state of the are CO2 chamber and euthanize it. Pet Removal Service $99, travel outside the city limits 50 cents a mile, size doesn't matter, we will take your pet home.

Wow, we value life so little that when we get tired of it for $100 bucks we can kick it out?!? Am I the only person that finds this offensive? Now, I do realize that certain instances happen that we are no longer able to care for our pets or even our children. But, there are reasonable alternatives to abandonment or for the pets euthanasia. I also understand that with pets there comes a time that it is in their interest to put them down but CO2 is not a reasonable way to achieve that and what pet owner that makes that commitment wouldn't want to be there and comfort their life long friend whom has showered them with unconditional love? Who knows what will really happen to the dogs that are sent to this service. Yes, they could really be euthanized but, they could also be used as bait dogs for dog fighting rings or sold for research. How do you solicit this type of service from a post on the internet?

What is wrong with our society any more? We take for granted so many things and it just startles me that the things we find most easily to throw away are those things that need us the most - those things that can't defend themselves - children, pets, and the elderly. I don't know who said it but, it is an adage I've always lived my life by - you can tell a lot about a person by the way they treat animals, children and their mother. Maybe this is why I've recently realized just how much I dislike people.

Puppies

Just a quick update - all the puppies are doing much better. They have a vet check on Thursday.

It is time for them to find their forever homes. As much as I love and adore them - they deserve to be the center of someone's attention and right now I don't have the time or the energy to devote to them to give them that love.

It has been an interesting few days and my energy level is very low so I'm off to try to find my happy place.

People Pleasers

There are those of us in life - that no matter how much we try to stop - we are inevitably the "people pleasers". Some of you reading this know what I'm talking about because this shoe fits you too. I am one of those people. I hate to say "no" when people ask me for things. I try to put others first no matter how unhappy that makes me sometimes and even admitting that is a big step for me. Being a people pleaser has cost me personally a great deal. I spend so much time making others happy that in the end I think I've forgotten a lot of times what makes me happy. In fact, I don't think I truly know what makes me happy any longer. But, what's far worse than it making me unhappy is that is has impacted the person I am now in ways I can never get back. I have made choices based on pleasing others...protecting others....helping others that have stolen my innocence, they have ripped from me my faith in people, and shattered my ability to blindly trust.

There's a name for people like us....codependent. Maybe it is growing up the child of an alcoholic. I hear a lot how I don't truly know what being the child of an alcoholic is because I was born after he had stopped drinking excessively but the damage was already done. Don't get me wrong, I in no way am blaming my father for my "issues". I lose patience with adults who won't accept responsibility for the choices that they make. The only person responsible for my choices as an adult is me. I do think though that when you grow up in certain environments it shapes who you are and your decision making processes. But, there comes a time in your life where you either make a choice to continue the cycle or you break the cycle and as for me and my children - the cycle ends with me. I'm learning to say no....no matter how hard that is for me. Hopefully, those of you out there that are codependents like me can take something from this post. It is a small step but a step none the less and for me, I think it is finally a step in the right direction to dealing with the past few years.

Update on Lola

The puppies are home but Lola is still not herself :( She is not eating yet and barely drinking. Brett and Jenny are 100% and driving me nuts but it is a good nuts since they are bouncing off the walls and as playful as ever. Just keep Lola in your thoughts and if you believe in a greater being please keep her in your prayers.

xoxo

Pandora

Happy Birthday to you.....

Break out the silly string and whistles - Viagra is 10 years old! What is wrong with our world? My son - almost 10 now knows that if he has an erection lasting more than 4 hours he should contact his doctor immediately. You can't turn on a TV - during "family hours" and not be inundated with erectile dysfunction commercials, or video games that are rated M showing violence toward women or pictures of girls with barely anything on. We send so many mixed messages to our children. What has pushed this mom over the edge though is the advertisements for the new movie "Zack and Miri Make a Porno". It was a lovely dinner when I got to explain to my children what a porno is. As parents we are constantly forced to battle the outside influences that are kids are subjected to in every environment they go to. You walk through the mall and see 14 & 15 year olds shopping for maternity clothes. Some of these girls are on their second and third child by the time they are 18. Where did we go wrong as a society? We have daycares in schools - not for the staff but for the students. We have girls forming "pregnancy pacts". We resist sex education and say it should be taught in the home but when you have babies having babies and they were never taught safe sex practices how do they pass that on to their own children? Why is it okay that our commercials tell them how to keep it up but not that they should wrap it up before they use it? Our schools shouldn't be forced to be the mom's and dad's but someone needs to step up and change things. Our education system is broken, our families are broken and we sit back and as a society do nothing.

Have you ever found yourself wondering where all this will lead us? Think about this - the baby boomers are starting to retire and draw their social security. In the past - they were the largest part of our workforce and were the largest contributors to our social security fund. Now the generation Xers and the Y's are the work force and they are a much smaller group than the baby boomers so what we put in to social security can't keep up w/ what they are taking out. Then you have the medicaid and welfare population that are also drawing from the same tax rolls. Again, another large population. So you have these very two large groups pulling from a very limited pool of resources. I haven't heard either candidate talk about how they plan to fix that situation. Our youth is so disengaged from society. We have families who are lifelong welfare recipients and we offer them very little incentive to change their status. So....as the generation in the middle - what are you doing to personally change and make an impact on this conundrum? This is my challenge to you to step up and find your voice about this issue - be a mentor, give a hand up to someone, raise your children to be engaged in the political process and to stand up for their beliefs and instill in them a moral and ethical code that will be a lifelong journey that will change the future of their children - which they won't rush to have at 15 and 16.

This is Pandora wishing the world was a safer place to raise my children....raise your children....raise our country's children.....

Ummm whoa.....

I think I partied too much on 6th street mom....what a game!

Texas 66 - Mizzou 31

Who needs a Reveille When you have these two?

I ain't afraid of no stinkin' tiger....when's kickoff?

Is it game time yet Mom??


Hook 'Em Horns!!!!!

Pissed off Angry at the World Today

Okay....bear with me while I vet the frustration of my day.

Have you ever noticed that it us usually the person who is doing the right things, following the rules, living their life by the best moral and ethical code they can and still they are the ones that life is often the hardest on?

Someone very special to me lost someone today that was very special to him and even though we are separated by a thousand miles I can feel ever bit of the pain in his heart today. This was someone who was an off duty police officer. We lose enough of the boys in blue without senseless accidents happening. My heart goes out to my special someone and the officer's family.

It frustrates me that we have criminals who catch every break out there....we have murderers sitting on death row for years and years and even get their sentences commuted and we - the law abiding tax papers - mom and pop mainstreet pay to keep these idiots alive. I guess sometimes it all just feels so pointless.

On a much smaller scale - I had my own crisis today. I have papillon puppies - Lola, Jenny and Brett. These guys have been a part of our family for 12 weeks now. From their first breath, we have been there. They slept in a box on my bed at night with their mom while they were babies with my hand resting firmly against their mom because we all know Layla is my baby girl. Well, even though I was a responsible pet owner and had my babies vaccinated while they waited for their forever homes, they were diagnosed with Parvovirus today and my family is devastated. My vet is great and I absolutely love the whole clinic. It is a family owned business and they are doing everything they can to save these little members of our family. I have been looking for forever homes for these guys - screening people and even have a contract that says if for some reason they can't keep them they will call and I will take them back. This really hit home and hurts. My animals are a very important part of my life - they are my four legged children and the thought of losing any of them just has me reeling.

We've spent almost 10 hours now bleaching every inch of the house and the vet called with an update tonight saying everyone is stable and showing some signs of improvement. But again, it goes back to how you can live your life right, be responsible and do the right thing and at times it just feels and seems so absolutely pointless.

C'est la vie....no good deed goes unpunished....why do bad things happen to good people....and to make my day absopositivlylutely perfect....my stalker had to text me and boy did I need a shower after that nasty gram!

So from a very tired Pandora....I bid the world goodnight and hope that tomorrow starts a day anew with positive vibes and fabulous outcomes.

And to my favorite grad student in the world - I love you and am so very proud of you my 1st daughter :)

Have you ever...

been surrounded by people yet feel totally alone? Sometimes I get lost in my head....usually these nights that I can't sleep. Everyone in the house is asleep and all I hear is the sound of the fan blowing or the dogs snoring. I walk outside and the little chill in the air feels wonderful. I love fall. It brings so many new things - the changing of the color of the leaves, the cooler weather, football games and time with family over the holidays. But right now, all I have is the silence that creeps in and haunts me. There's a voice that plays in my head and I can't make him shut up. He tries to fill me with self doubt and self hatred and for so long he was in control. It has been a real power struggle to regain that control. Nights like this, nights when the silence is all around me he seems to take an edge in that struggle. It doesn't help that in the past weeks he has escalated his contact again. The texting, the voicemails, emails come one after another. I wage an inner war. How do I take control back? Lots of people tell me what they think I need to do to regain that power and control but it isn't that simple. At least it isn't for me. I try to analyze and make sense of the rambling of a mad man....I mean he would have to be a mad man to be this persistent and out of control for this long, right? It is almost comical how it goes from almost begging to meet for lunch to telling me how sorry he is he just doesn't have time for me because work comes first. I mean seriously - when the person you are contacting doesn't answer back wouldn't that really be a clue to stop and move on?

I know, I'm sure I will hear that I need to pursue my legal options but then it gets so complicated and messy. Sometimes, I just wish I could turn back the hands of time but instead I sit here feeling all alone in the silence surrounded by people.

Why The Blog Feedback

Gotta love a Texas Sunset

Okay....so after a few days of this I've had some interesting feedback. One of the most interesting things I've heard so far is - well you sure say what's on your mind. Well, not to be a smartass even though you all know I am deep down...isn't that the point of doing this - to say exactly what's on my mind? Someone else said these thoughts have been there for a while because they are too "polished". Well, they may have been there for a while but they are just going on paper and tisk tisk you should know me better than that - my thoughts are always polished :)

So why a blog? Well, I've been through a lot in life both good and bad and surprise surprise - apparently I tend to bottle that stuff up instead of releasing it and it has come to a point in my life where I need to release in a healthy way and I've always found it easier to do that in writing. So why not keep a private journal? Why would I go so public with my experiences, thoughts, feelings? Well....why not? We all have voices....no not the ones we use when we speak but the voices that make us who we are, our opinions, our thoughts, etc., and all too often we are told we should silence those voices because it isn't the popular thing or it makes people uncomfortable. It is like it used to be with kids - they were supposed to be seen and not heard. Well, I'm releasing my inner child to be heard. One of my favorite lines from a movie comes from Dirty Dancing - in the finally when Johnny (Swayze's character) says "Nobody puts baby in the corner". Well, I guess it is Pandora's turn to come out of the corner and the haze I've been in for a while.

Another reason I've decided to make this an open journal that anyone can read - because I hope somewhere out there....someone will be inspired to find their own voice and find a way to make it heard....if they share an experience, if something I say pisses them off, if something strikes a chord with them it doesn't matter. There are some things that eventually I will share that will be tough for us all....but I'm not quite there yet so hold on to your hats....put your big girl panties on....and stay tuned.

BTW - yes...the photos are all mine.

The Debate

Back from my adventure in the front yard.....the stray cows now polka dotted with neon pink paintballs....I strongly felt it was my duty of course to share my thoughts on tonight's debate. Some of you would swear I'm a bleeding heart liberal democrat. I'm really really not :) I just think healthcare IS a right and that we do give too many breaks to big business and not small business. But, I also believe in the death penalty. I have NO problem flipping that switch. In fact, I can think of a few people I wouldn't mind putting in the express line for that group. But back to the debate...McCain did exactly what all the people predicted - tried to distance himself from Bush, brought up ACORN and Ayers . That was so yesterday's news. Obama was...well Obama. He did maintain his cool head but, I was happy to see that one of the candidates kept bringing us back to the big issues, the economy. I know this debate was about domestic affairs but, I was very disappointed that neither one of them talked about the impact of the "war" in Iraq that is bleeding our economy. We are gushing blood (dollars) chasing after something that we will never see in most of our lifetimes - peace in the middle east. With the money we have spent on Bubba's war, we could have funded healthcare for the country, improved our infrastructure and highway systems in all the states, and made it possible for all of our children to go to college without having to go broke to do it or being in debt for the first 10 years of their adult lives. We talk about social security being broken, our 401K systems going down the toilet and the stock market seriously impacting our retirement systems....do we see the congress rushing out to fix it so we all have secure retirement futures after so many years of hard work? No....and why would they?!? After one term in office these guys have healthcare and a pension for life. It is nothing like Mom & Pop mainstreet have. If we made the legislators survive on medicaid and social security for a few months they would find a fix for the system damn quick!

So....back to the debate. Seriously, does what either of them say really matter? They sit in the oval office but if we can't change congress do we really see anything changing. Maybe it is just my jade colored glasses again. Does that mean I won't be there filling out my paper...yes paper since I live in the sticks ballot...NO WAY. I will also have my kids right along beside me there since it is important that we be shaping their future and encouraging them to vote. We are deciding their future.

Just a few thoughts that came out after the debate during the family time discussion -

• How about a trade for that offshore drilling? Those companies that are given rights to drill offshore should be required to spend twice as much on alternative energy sources that are up and running within 2 years.
• How about we do something similar to the Civilian Conservation Corp for those that are out of work? It would stimulate our economy with jobs but also rebuild some of the infrastructure that is so dilapidated.
• Immigration is an issue? No one wants to do those jobs like picking the beans? How about instead of giving the prison population 3 square meals and cable TV we put their asses out there picking the beans. Prisoners in our country rank up there with legislators - they get all these perks and benefits for doing nothing...oh wait...guess crooks and legislators ARE synonymous.
• The best question I heard tonight in the family discussion was from Little A...."Do we have another choice to choose from or are these guys it?"

Okay before I end this post - just one last thing about this election for now. Where did Sarah Palin come from?!? I can't even begin to cover my thoughts on her in this post. Seriously, was McCain on some heavy meds when he chose her? Are we talking some dementia? I will save Sarah for her own post when it isn't so late and Layla isn't sitting on my chest trying to convince me it's time to curl up and sleep.

Ladies & Gentleman...Elvis is in the building

Okay...so...you all know me...I can't turn away a sad face....I can't help my pet habit. So...I was trying to find forever homes for the papillon puppies and I was browsing CraigsList and what did I find...I found at that time "Austin" the English Mastiff. I love mastiffs and thought I could just go see him and then say no - I'm not ready for another dog. Well when I saw "Austin" and he didn't even know his name, he had a large burn on his back, he was underweight, and just didn't look like a happy dog. I couldn't say no...he is no longer "Austin" though....so...hearing music from the '68 comeback tour in my head....ladies and gentlemen.....I give you ELVIS!!!!!!!!!!!



Yes, that is a full grown dog next to him - more pictures of Elvis to come in later posts.

The Joy of a Diagnosis...or not

Monday - 30 second phone call
"May I please speak to Pandora?"
"This is she."
"Pandora, this is Dr. X, I got your test results back and you tested positive for EBV. I'm referring you back to Dr. Y. Thanks."
"But...."


Tuesday - Message Left on Phone
"Pandora, this is Dr. Y, sorry I didn't catch up with you. I heard back from Dr. X. She didn't feel that even though you've had this mass on your collarbone for 9 weeks now that we need to biopsy it because you tested positive for EBV. So, I will schedule a follow-up for you in 2-3 months and we'll go from there. If you have questions, please call."

Tuesday - 15 minutes later
"Hi this is Pandora, Dr. Y just called and left a message, I have some questions for her about my diagnosis and where we go from here."
"Dr. Y is unavailable at the moment here is her voicemail."
"Hey Dr. Y, I have some questions about all this - how do we treat EBV, what about the mass on the ovary, my joints are killing me, please call me back."

Wednesday -
"Hi, this is Pandora, Dr. Y never called me back yesterday and I still have questions about my diagnosis and where we go from here."
"Oh, okay, let me transfer you to her voicemail."
"Hey Dr. Y, Pandora again, still need some info on the diagnosis and where we go from here."

Thursday - Morning
"Hi Pandora, this is Ms. Z, did Dr. Y ever call you back?"
"NO! I've left two messages now and really want to know what all this means. I've been given 30 seconds by Dr. X but no idea what to do about this and I have other questions about the mass she found and what we do about that."
"Let me transfer you to Ms. A, she is Dr. Y's physician assistant"
"NO! I want to talk to Dr. Y."
"Please hold"

"Pandora, Dr. Y is in with patients, she can't speak to you right now but will call you back later between 2-4. Thanks"

Thursday - Around 5:30
"Hi Pandora, this is Dr. Y, Dr X called and you tested positive for EBV. I want to see you back in 6-8 weeks for follow-up. Thanks..."
"Wait, I have questions about this. I got a while 30 seconds from Dr. X. What does EBV mean for me? I've seen it is related to all the other things we've been trying to rule out - so what's up? What can I do for this? What about the referral to the GYN doctor for the mass?? I still feel like crap and this has been going on for almost 12 weeks now. I've read this virus lasts 4-6 weeks so what about all the other time?"
"Well, there's nothing we do for this virus other than bedrest and fluids. Try to take it easy as much as you can. Oh yeah, the ovary mass, I'd forgotten about that . I will schedule something for you and get a referral going."
"So there's nothing I can do?"
"No, you need to just ride this out - your body is really run down. It just needs to run its course."

Monday
"Pandora, this is Ms Z from Dr. Y's office, I have your appointment with Dr. GYN - she can't work you in until November 13th - a whole 4 weeks from now and Dr. Y wants to see you too so can we do that November 20th?"
"Sure - good thing I'm not dying or something - oh wait - we still don't know that yet now do we."

Patience is a virtue.....I guess that's why the words patient and patience are so closely related since it takes all the patience a patient has waiting on healthcare these days.

More bitching about healthcare to come....

xoxo

Pandora

The Softer Side of Me

So....it is late again and I'm exhausted and all of my joints hurt but, I just can't sleep. I can't stop the random thoughts from rattling around in my head. Sometimes I just wish there was a button or a switch to make them stop. I have felt bad for so many weeks now and I keep being told how I just need to ride this out. I can say this for certain - it isn't helping my mood. I feel so trapped and with my life experiences when I feel trapped I don't do well. Tonight has been particularly rough. I have spent the last 12 weeks bonding with the puppies and the reality that they are moving out has come home to roost. I have 2 serious offers and that leaves me with just one to go. I know I can't rescue the world and I can't keep them all. It just isn't realistic but oh man this is gonna hurt. It already does. I've tried my hardest to make sure the homes they are going to will keep in touch and send me pictures and updates as the babies grow. With each of them a piece of me will go too.

As for the not feeling well....I would give most anything to feel better at this point. I can't begin to describe what this is like. I'm so easily exhausted. I don't remember feeling "normal". I could burn the candle at both ends and now I barely burn it at one. I have constant joint pain. I've learned to use Icy Hot as a perfume and it only takes the major edge off. The answer for treatment: bed rest, fluids, time, rest as much as possible and OTC medication for the aches and pains. Okay....it has been 14 weeks of this now. When does a "virus" that normally takes 4-6 weeks to run its course let loose of me?

My brain is fried - I should probably wrap this up because it just feels like I am so totally rambling and making absolutely no sense. Pet your kids and hug your pets....I know that I will be giving my babies an extra squeeze tonight before I finally find my solace.

Just wait until next year

*SIGH* how bout those cubbies? Someone special to me always reminds me cubs stands for Completely Useless By September and boy was I so happy I was going to get to tell him that we were playing in October and we were on our way to a championship that it only was going to take us 100 years to get....and then what do we do....we get SWEPT by the damn Dodgers. Ugh...so now what do I do? I don't like either of the NL contenders and I am so not a fan of the DH....so do I compromise my contempt for the DH and cheer for the Rays simply because they are the new kid on the block? I guess I will just have to set aside my disdain for the DH for now and be a Rays fan and being the true Cubs fan I am say yet again....just wait 'til next year....next year is OUR year.

Damn goat!

Colt 45...OU 35

So...how do you get a sooner graduate off your porch? You pay him for the pizza!
I cannot tell you how much I enjoyed sitting around Saturday surrounded by family watching my horns beat the overrated sooners. I know we are rivals with Texas A&M but that game doesn't mean near as much as beating the sooners. So...how many of you know what the term sooners is all about?? Well here is just a bit of history for ya - back when the Texas/OU rivalry started Oklahoma wasn't a state yet - just a territory. When it was about to become a state people camped out along the red river along the border and at a certain time they were going to be released to stake claim on their piece of land. Well the "sooners" were those that snuck across early and staked out claims unlawfully. Guess that goes to show that when Barry Switzer was the coach he was just holding up the "sooner" traditions. Congrats to Colt and the boys - it makes me nervous being ranked #1 this early in the season and having people gunning for us. Just one game at a time and you know that Saturday I will have my happy little behind planted in front of a TV somewhere watching my horns take on the tigers who are licking their wounds. I always thought Chase was overrated as a QB too but that's just my humble opinion.

How bout them Cowboys!!!! Talk about the perfect ending to the weekend...the cowboys lose and lose key players in the process. Okay, I will try really hard not to gloat about Tony "oh no" Romo breaking a finger during the futile drive in OT and being out 4 weeks. Maybe Jessica can kiss the booboo. While he is recouperating, he can hang out with Pacman....errr Adam Jones and he can teach Adam the finer points of dating buxom blondes and Adam can teach him the thug life. They both have some time on their hands. Maybe they can even invite Felix Jones and he can find something to add to the conversation. "America's Team" ha! Since it is an election year, I demand a recount - no hanging chads and lets not leave it for Florida to decide. Who is my favorite team this week?? Let me check the cowboy's schedule and get back to ya.

And We Wonder Why Our Kids Have Issues

Below is a letter my daughter....at the age of 13 wrote and emailed to numerous papers across the country....





Dear Editor,


I come from a generation often criticized for our lack of respect for our country’s heritage, elders, and national treasurers. Yet these same elders who so often criticize my generation are considering destroying a national treasurer whose back our country was built upon.

This treasure helped build our railroads, connecting the West Coast to the East. They helped fight our battles. They connected us with families and friends long before cell phones existed. The same people who criticize my generation for lack of appreciation for those who came before us and built the nation we love and are fighting for overseas to protect have shown no regard for one of the greatest symbols of our American freedom. The treasure I speak of is the wild horse.

Although the wild horses are considered a nuisance to many who live near them, there are many solutions to dealing with this issue without resorting to euthanasia. A controlled breeding program would save this national treasure and offer an economical solution.

We spend billions of dollars overseas to save foreign country’s heritage, yet we are so willing to destroy such a large part of our own. I encourage you to contact your legislator as I have mine and make it known that we want to save this beautiful piece of our living history. Where would we be without Paul Revere’s trusty steed?

A proud Horse Lover,

First....let me say I am so very very proud of her for taking a stand on how she felt about something. I'm glad she found her voice and isn't afraid to use it and won't let anyone squash it.

Now, let me tell you about the response she got when this letter was published. I am very sad to say that the adults that responded to her were often cruel and just down right rude. They showered little to no respect and were as harsh and critical as to say that horse is another meat that should be added to the diet and offered to help her round up the wild mustangs to be shipped overseas to slaughter houses. I was so disappointed that instead of encouraging her for taking a stand the world tried to smack her down for it. Then we sit back and wonder why our youth is so disrespectful of "authority" figures and adults. Well to quote my kids...."DUH!" What do we expect when they try to voice their opinion, thoughts, or feelings and instead of encouraging them or embracing them we try to stomp them down and silence their voice.

My first reaction as a mother was to smack them back. Instead, I sought the advice of a sage friend of mine and was told I needed to retract the mommy claws and let her stand on her own two feet...that if she was going to put herself out there she would have to be able to stand her ground. So, I sat back and I watched her. Instead of stooping back to their level and responding with the same classlessness that these "adults" exhibited, she spread her wings and sang even louder and didn't let them silence her voice. Instead, she started writing to legislators and the Bureau of Land Management who is responsible for these beautiful creatures. Am I proud of her for standing her ground and fighting for what she believes in, you bet. I know that kind of inner strength and character is rare these days and it is something she will carry with her for a lifetime. She didn't wait so long in her life to find her voice. At the same time, I'm a little saddened. I'm saddened at the people who responded to her and pushed her to find that strength so early but even more I'm saddened that she ventured outside the box I've kept her in for 13 years and made a box of her own. My baby is growing up. Heaven help us all! :)

Just a little white lie?

When is it okay to lie or is it ever okay to lie? We've all told the little white lie and if you haven't then you are telling your first by denying you ever have. We embellish our position in business to come from a point of power. We talk to an ex and don't tell a current partner. We drop a few pounds when we reveal our weight to others. Are all those things okay or do they lead to bigger lies that spread a web of deceit so deep that we don't know what's true and what isn't any longer? I find myself wondering when it became so second nature to people to not just fib a little but all out lie to the people they "care" about...the people they represent as their constituency....the people they sleep next to each night.

I try to raise my kids by example. I try to be brutally honest with them when they ask me things that I'm not always comfortable talking about but I don't want to steal their innocence either. I try to keep them involved in things like the debates and the current economic situation. It is hard to explain to "tweens" and new teenager how these people who are running for office twist the truth and tell their version of the truth and how that really isn't okay. Between the dirty politics and the people we meet day to day a parents job is never done explaining the difference between what is morally and ethically right and what as a society we've grown to accept. I guess I am starting to see a theme in my posts...doing the right thing isn't always the popular thing or the easy thing. More ramblings to come....

Hear Me

Alone, lost, trapped and crying out
screams of pain piercing the silence
Falling unheard, unrecognized, unnoticed
Am I invisible? I'm standing here
beaten and battered by life.
They look right through me, past me,
Without blinking an eye. Why can't they see me?
The once comforting solitude now is a
strangling and all consuming prison.
Hear me! Listen to me! You
You put me here, stripped naked
You stole from me the most basic
of my desires simple respect.
You took what was left of my innocence,
my trust, my desire to still see
the good in people. Now I simply see red.
You left behind you a blaze
a fire breathing in all the air around me
deflating what was left of my spirit
ashes dispersing in the winds of change.

When did we lose the care out of healthcare?

So....I've been having some medical issues. I called my health plan today to tell them that one of the providers had billed them for some procedures that were never done. I about fell out of my chair when they didn't care. I mean seriously...that is fraud. I was the one getting the biopsy and I would know if I was given anesthesia or not. But, I was politely informed that I would have to take it up with the provider's billing office. So, I'm supposed to call the provider's office and say oh by the way...you really didn't do this procedure the way you are billing and expect them to admit they are committing fraud? WOW! What planet do these people live on?!? How many times have we all walked into a doctor's office and seen the doctor for less than 5 minutes and been billed an "extended" visit? Don't get me wrong - there are great physicians out there. I know because I work with some. Sadly though, our system is broken. We have taken the care our of healthcare. Because of time demands and billing demands and meeting quotas, the bedside manner has changed and quantity of patients versus quality of the care they receive has become the focus. Maybe I'm just jaded and cynical and have spent too much time in the healthcare system as both a patient and an advocate to be objective any more but it seems to me that at least when we or our insurance get billed for something it should be something that has happened and when someone steps up and is honest and says they are getting billed for something that didn't happen someone should care. Again, I guess doing the right thing is too often the hard thing to do.

Opening the Box

I sit here in the wee hours of the morning unable to sleep again. I've gone back and forth on if I wanted to even start a blog or not....I mean seriously....does a middle aged woman have something to say to the world that will make a difference? Does anyone out there hear what we say or care about anything that doesn't impact them personally? If we aren't smacked in the face with reality do we really see what is really there or what we want to see as we look through our rose colored glasses and sit in denial about the injustices we see. So here I sit....ripping the lid off Pandora's box....once I start this I won't be able to take it back nor do I want to at this point. Someone out there will read this....someone in time or space will see what I see and it will matter. It has to.

I find myself filled with rage. Rage at what? Rage at a system and a lifestyle that allows for life to be so disposable. Human life....animal life....when did it stop mattering? I was browsing Craig's List and I'm just stunned at the people who took on the responsibility of a life....a dog...a cat...a bird and now on a whim are "rehoming" them. We throw away our pets like they have no value. They keep us warm at night, they never lash out when we have a bad day and lash at them first, they give us all the unconditional love they have and yet when they become an inconvenience we throw them away or push them aside. We find babies in trash cans even though we have "baby moses" laws. I mean how hard is it to surrender a child you don't want anyway no questions asked? Talk about another inconvenient truth - in this age of technology and instant gratification one of the greatest marvels and greatest works of technology - the human body and life is no longer the "must have" item of the day. We do this with our friends, our families, our children, our elderly parents. When did taking the easy way out become the norm? Who said life was easy? When did commitment to doing the right thing become the exception and not the rule? Maybe I was born in the wrong time period. Maybe I am naive...who knows....or maybe....just maybe....there are people out there just like me who haven't found their voice yet. Well today, I am finding mine and I will continue to rip the lid off pandora's box and let my voice be heard.