Thankfulness....

During the last week, I've heard from several people in our small town about an article my daughter wrote in the newspaper. I listened intently but, was befuddled that I had no clue what they were talking about. I was told how the people who knew her were so touched by it....that it was heartfelt and drew tears to their eyes. The more I heard the more curious I became since I had absolutely no idea what was being referenced. So, I came home and asked her. She replied with a "don't you remember...I had an assignment to write about being thankful....well it was picked as 1 to be published in the paper..." Ummmm she couldn't tell me this why?!? I would have bought the stupid paper for her memory book! I remember the assignment now that she jogged my memory and I remember what I felt the first time I took a look at it and reviewed it as she had asked. I quietly wiped away the tears as it dawned on me that my child truly gets the meaning of the holidays. I revisited that assignment again but, this time trying to see it through the eyes of the people who had referenced it during our conversations. I was told what a great job I had done as a parent to instill these things in her....and the truth is....she's done a great job as a daughter in reminding me that even now...after one of the hardest years I've ever had....I still have much to be thankful for....so I hope you enjoy her assignment and can take something from it like I did...

What I am Thankful for....
by Barbaro's Angel

I wake up in the morning with a nearly two hundred pound dog on my legs. When I go downstairs, the other fifteen dogs greet me with a melody of barks, some shrill and high-pitched, others deep and bellowing. Some come from inside, some come from outside. I can see the four barn cats still asleep under my dad's truck as the indoor cats watch with curiosity the actions of the other felines. I can see one gelding asleep on his feet, the other lying on the ground to sleep. I can hear the rabbit shuffling around in her cage outside. For them all, I am thankful.

As I watch my younger brother and sister sit down to eat their cereal, I smile. I'm thankful for them as well. The thankfulness only grows at my parents walk into the room. My mom flips on the television. It shows an American flag as they talk about recent news. It makes me feel thankful that I live in a country as priviledged as America, and with as much freedom as the water int he Mississippi River.

These things are only the tip of the iceberg when it comes to things I am thankful for. I am grateful for the wonderful food I am served to eat. I appreciate that I have skilled teachers to fill me with knowledge. I am thankful for a small group of honest, fair, caring people whom I call friends. They are the best friends anyone could ask for, sticking by me day in and day out. I am filled with gratitude that I have a house to live in, and clothes on my back to keep me warm. I am thankful I have so many other nice material items I can enjoy, and I am blessed to know there are troops out there now in Iraq, Afghanistan, and so forth fighting for this country with their lives to keep us from harm.

As I sit down this Thanksgiving to celebrate a time of gratitude, thinking of these things will humble me. I will know that I am truly blessed, and that I have much to be thankful for.

A thankful mom....

Pandora

What's in a Job?

Okay....I've been twiddling my thumbs trying to find a damn job. I have received several thanks but no thanks letters alluding to the fact that I'm overqualified therefore I won't stay. It annoys me to no end that they don't even ask me if it is something I might want to do or why I would want to do it if I am so "overqualified". So, I've been getting frustrated. Then this opportunity that I mentioned before just fell in my lap so to speak. I have spent a great deal of time there this week getting a good feel for the place, the job and the people I would be supervising. I've been trying to be guardedly optimistic. I don't want to count my chickens before they hatch since it hasn't even been officially opened as of yet. So yesterday, I was thrown a curve ball. A different job that I applied for several weeks ago (talk about a slow HR department) called. When I applied for this job, out of all the previous ones I had applied for...this one was at the top of the list for jobs I actually wanted. It is working at a museum...being the executive assistant to the VP of Exhibitions and Programs. It is a pretty cool looking job on paper. Anyway...they called and want an interview. Being the mental chess player that I am and you adore....I have been trying to run all the scenarios.
There are pros and cons to both jobs. The biggest con to the library is it is a huge pay cut. But, at the library I am close to the kids, have a more flexible schedule and am the boss which I'm really good at (or so the people I used to work with keep telling me). The museum is just way cool! Think that job would be ever changing. But, it has cons as well. It is downtown and a very nasty traffic area. It won't have the flexibility that the library has, I won't be close to the kids, and I will be dealing more with adults....which I'm not exactly fond of. So....I am finding myself asking...what's in a job? When I think back to a lifetime far away...when I was first considering careers my Junior year in high school...I had it all planned out. I wanted to be a child advocate....I wanted to do some type of social service with kids. So off to college I went and got two freaking degrees that would allow me to do that but, I'm not doing it. Somewhere along the way, I got sidetracked. I didn't realize until recently just how trapped I felt in my old job. I lost the opportunities to do the things I really like to do. As much as I profess to hate people, I am still a caregiver and THAT'S the kind of job I want. For me, it isn't about the title or the money. Yes, I realize I sound like a Pollyanna. So many people see a job as a means to an end....I just can't wrap my head around that. If I'm going to be spending 8-10+ hours a day doing something, it better have a positive outcome for someone somewhere.
I guess what I'm getting at here is both of these jobs could in their own way give me that. Yes, I know neither one has been offered yet but, I don't want to look at the chess board and find I'm in a checkmate position! Guess I'm a lot like Heart and want my road map or at least the two final destinations programmed in to my GPS.

Looking for my own Garman....

Pandora

Irrational Fear

After an interesting conversation (see what happens when you make me think) I started to think and really focus on the concept of fear. One of my favorite quotes in the world is:

"Fear is the thief of dreams" ...not sure who said it but it has always stuck with me. After the assault, I feared everything and there are some things I'm not sure I will ever get past the fear. Fear can be paralyzing. One day I was walking through Target and a gentleman who was some build and had same characteristics as "T"...and just happened to wear the same cologne walked by me and I was actually paralyzed with fear. That is a horrible place to be. I called someone and he talked me down off the ledge so to speak but, none the less I know what fear can do. I've been told it is part of that "flight vs. fight" programming we all come with and that that programming is heightened after a traumatic experience. While I understand that from an academic perspective...that doesn't lessen that fear any less. I started to really think about this stuff a while back. As I've mentioned in previous blogs, my job search has been more about crisis management...what job can I take and not be fearful of the environment....who can I work with and not be fearful of them. The harder I looked at this...I began to realize something....there are two types of fear....one that is very rational and one that is totally irrational. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that rational or irrational makes them any less scary and debilitating. What I am saying is...at some point you have to put your big girl panties on and address the irrational fears. You have to ask yourself the hard questions and say what is it here I am really afraid of and what is the worst thing that can happen in that situation? That isn't always easy to do. Believe me...I know. Dealing with rational fear is hard enough but irrational fear is even worse in my opinion. You have to be willing to take a step back from the situation and look deeper. I did. I realized that my fear of the workplace is irrational. It still causes me some anxiety but, I have to tell myself that I can't always live my life in crisis control mode because life is way too short and if you make all your decisions based on irrational fear you are missing out on so much.

I will admit I did have an additional motivator. I am FED UP with him having this much power and control in my life. I want my life back...and yes, before you all jump on that I know that it won't be what I had before...that life is gone forever....but I want it to be a life defined by me and my parameters and no one else.

Grabbing life by the balls....
XoXo
Pandora

Go Longhorns....and Stuff

Okay....so I am trying to do better about blogging more frequently. It isn't that I haven't had a lot to say....life has just been really busy keeping up with kids, looking for a job, doing all sorts of things that pull me away from here. I've also been a little under the weather. I'm pretty pleased...normally by December, I've had bronchitis several times. Here it is almost middle of the month and I'm just now starting to get what usually ends up with me on antibiotics! I can't really see anything I'm doing differently this year and it is the first winter season I've been on the immunosupressants....weird.

So this blog will be a mix and match all-in-one...catch you up on life blog.

Did anyone else watch that Texas-Nebraska game Saturday night? OMG they nearly killed me!!!!! I couldn't watch the last drive at all. I stood in the laundry room with the washer & dryer going and Barbaro's Angel yelling what was happening to me now and again and my heart sank when she told me the game was over and the Nebraska boys were running on the field. Then there was that jolt of adrenaline when I heard there was 1 second...yes 1 second left for my team to make it to the National Championship game. Don't I have enough stress and anxiety in my life. Even the diehard aggie in my house was yelling at the TV when he made the kick! Maybe they really are a team of destiny...maybe mom really is putting in a good word for Colt and the boys this year. (Thanks Mom!) Colorado Living...I think I finally fully understood what your wife goes through when the Broncos play :)

Speaking of Saturday, while Barbaro's angel was off kicking ass and taking names in debate...Mouse was singing at the community Christmas event. She did a fabulous job per usual and I'm looking forward to the Choir concert at school tomorrow night. While there....some acquaintances that I've met during my time homeschooling the kids came over to check in on me and the kiddos since they know them all very very well. Turns out...one of them will be leaving town in the very near future...and she thought I might be interested in her job....DING DING DING...we have a winner!! I spent a lot of time thinking about this over the weekend...it would mean a significant cut in pay but....it would afford me so many of the other things I have struggled with 1) I will be very close to the kids...able to take them with me on their days off that I'm working...and they can spend all summer with me 2) and maybe more importantly it is some place I feel comfortable and safe...that in and of itself is HUGE and finally 3) it is a job I think I could really enjoy doing. I have spent the last 2 days shadowing the person whose job I will be applying for and learning all the ins and outs. She is introducing me to all the "right" people. She even invited me as her special guest to a board meeting tonight. Looks like I'm also going to some training with her next week. All this...and I haven't even applied for the job officially and have no guarantees I will get it when I do. (Although, I think her letter of recommendation that she is giving me might help ....a LOT). Nothing but good thoughts from everyone because I could really use this break. I am still actively looking for a job....because there are no real guarantees in life and I don't want to be caught off guard. I can tell you if this doesn't work out...I will be pretty disappointed.

So....that brings me to the update on the estate. I think I actually see the light at the end of the tunnel...and I really don't think it is a train this time! Everyone keep their fingers crossed because we might actually have all the paperwork submitted and the house closed on by the end of next week. That would be the absolute best Christmas present this year.

I think that covers all the mundane day-to-day stuff going on....life is just too busy and moves too fast! Before you know it....it will be 2010! Those of you not living in HELL....enjoy the snow for me...please....

Dreaming of a white Christmas....or even one that won't be in the 70s would be nice this year

Pandora

Getting in to the Holiday "spirit"

Okay, I've spent my day baking cookies....hanging garland....inflating eeyore and tiger and pooh in the front yard. I've dawned my reindeer antlers and even turned on Christmas tunes. Aren't ya proud of me yet?

As most of you know, I've found the holidays challenging for some time. This year will be exceptionally hard. My kids have always enjoyed going over to my mom's and helping her decorate for the holidays. We ended up with a lot of the decorations from Mom's house and so I'm immersed and surrounded by all the "familiar" things that remind me of this time of year and Mom. I'm trying very hard to be the parent who puts her kids first. They need me to try to ease some of the sadness they feel this year...having to do the holiday without Grandma...without being surrounded by all the extended family. There will be no trips to Colorado this year....no big family meals surrounded by aunts and uncles, cousins and friends....and the hardest thing of all is no Grandma....the woman they loved and adored who really loved this time of year.

So, I will put on my happy face....keep my reindeer antlers on a little crooked and crank up Elvis and Sinatra....Como....and George Strait...(If I'm going to listen to Christmas carols they should at least by people I enjoy listening to)....and I will even go to candlelight Christmas eve service....and maybe this Christmas which will be filled with so many tears just might not be quite the time of loss that it feels like at this moment...at least not for the people most important to me...my kids.

Jingling my bells....
XoXo
Pandora

The "what if..." Game

I know my blogs have been all over the place lately and I guess they are a reflection of my life...all the change and uncertainty have left me reeling at times. During the course of the last few weeks...months....I've found myself playing the "what if..." game. Admit it...you all do it too. You look back on things you've done or not done and said what if I had done this or that. Yes, I know...hindsight is 20/20 and this game tends to be somewhat self-destructive. It keeps us going over decisions that we can do absolutely nothing about. On some level though, I think this game can be a healthy reflection on history and we all know what they say about history...if you don't learn from it you are bound to repeat it. While I find myself doing this "what if..." game with respect to many aspects of my life right now...work, mom, "T"...the one I want to focus on in this blog is "T" simply because I am working really hard to put this behind me and move forward and that was why I started blogging to begin with. It also goes with a promise I made and the previous few blogs. So...here goes....

"T" was a colleague...someone I thought was a friend. I didn't set out to trust "T" but, over time, and circumstance of being forced to work with him and deal with him on a day in and day out basis to get the job done, that trust naturally grew. Telecommuting is a very odd position to work from so you get used to spending a lot of time in other people's offices, meeting in restaurants, or as luck would have it since I don't drink coffee - Starbucks. It was a running joke amongst my colleagues that a particular Starbucks was my "north" office. So, it wasn't odd for me to find myself having a working lunch with "T". But, what was odd was over time, I didn't take note of the locations for the lunches. Okay, well, I did take note and while I thought some of the venues were just odd (lunch at a restaurant that has candles on the tables?), I chalked it up to me looking for things and dismissed my own "gut" instincts. So, I looked the other way and made nothing of it...that should have been a huge red flag but, I didn't listen so now I ask myself...what if...what if I had just put him on the spot and asked what the hell was up with that? Would I have seen it coming?
Moving along..Public Meeting venues...."T" had a nasty habit of picking up my phone whenever I would leave it laying somewhere. I would be up giving presentations to a crowd of our peers/colleagues and he would disappear out the back of the room with my phone. I keep a lot of personal things on my phone and while I found this exceptionally odd and even questioned him about it, he would say he forgot his and just needed to make a call or check email or something and I would shrug it off even though it bothered the hell out of me. (BTW - for those of you who know me you now know why I can't stand any else touching my phone without at least asking.) "T" would also isolate me at public venues. It wasn't uncommon for him to walk up when I was in a group of people and grab my arm with the "Hey, I need to talk to you about X." I didn't see it...but now I do...he had no respect for personal boundaries. But, what really gets me about this one is that people at work who know what happened have made comment that they always thought it was weird how possessive he was of my time and how he always isolated me in public venues. If they saw it and thought it odd enough to make note of it and remember it now...then why didn't they say something? What if just one of them had pulled me aside and said something about it...would I have started putting two and two together and getting four?
The people I work with are a touchy feely group...they can't help it. Apparently people in public health have some of the worst fashion sense and are the biggest huggers around. It has never been uncommon for people to do things like touch my shoulder when they are talking to me, or to greet me with a hug or send me on my way with a hug (now, I'm very closed off to that except from very specific people). What if...we had a more "traditional" work place...would I have finally picked up on all the cues that I just didn't see? What if I hadn't been married for an eternity and off the "market" so to speak...would I have been more aware that when a guy touches your foot under the table you should pick up that he's hitting on you? I actually had to be told that and still laughed it off. Again, I thought it was odd but dismissed my instincts and thought no younger man who is in a live-in relationship, divorced and has a child would be hitting on an older married woman.
....okay...there's more of this blog to come but...the "real" world is calling and I need to head out...

stay tuned...

Pandora

Is it Human Nature to Hold on to the "Bad" Things?

Have you ever noticed that as humans we tend to hold on to the bad things that happen to us in life? Most of us mark anniversaries...the good - birthdays, wedding (most of the time *wink*), births of our children, college/high school graduation....the bad - deaths, accidents, life changing moments. So why is it we often give those bad things as much or sometimes even more weight than we do the good? I was talking to someone yesterday and was told that the bad things only carry as much power as I allow them. Okay...that's true but, again....isn't that just human nature? Maybe it is the people like me who strive to be perfectionists that get caught in this trap. We mark these dates often as somehow being our shortcomings. Again, in another conversation recently, I was told "you're human....welcome to the human race...we've been waiting for you." I admit it...I try very hard to be superwoman and not let anyone down. That's a whole other post. I'm just sitting here this morning surrounded by thoughts of all the bad things I hold on to and how I am striving to learn to let go of those. Like I told someone recently in a comment on their blog....if you hold on to all the bad things and box them away.. put them in your internal filing system...then you have far less room for the good things. But, then again...what do you expect from someone with an Eeyore tattoo? :)

Working not to be such a pessimist...
XoXo
Pandora