Time

Ever wanted time to just stand still? Ever looked around and wondered where time went? Ever wanted to go back in time to change something you did or didn't do? As time has been screaming past the last few months, I've been thinking a lot about the passage of time. I see my kids growing up right before my eyes with each passing second, minute, hour, day. Each tick of the clock means one day closer to empty nest. I've wrapped up so much of myself in my children and the thought of them growing up and leaving the nest scares me. Who will I be when they are grown and on their own? As parents, we always want the best for them. We want them to experience things and have better opportunities than we did. So I'm conflicted. With that age old conflict that I'm sure all parents experience - not wanting them to leave home and wanting time to stand still and waiting with anticipation to see just how they will soar when they learn to fly on their own. I sit, I listen to the tick tick ticking of the clock, knowing each tick brings me one second closer to the moment my babies leave and I'm stuck answering that question I dread most....who am I without them?

You Can't Fix Crazy

So, it has been a while since I've blogged. Shame on me! I should blog more, lord knows I have lots to say. Work has been busy....back to school has kept me busy as well. Then there is the chaos that seems to find its way in to my life.

A few short weeks ago, I got a very strange email from my stalker. I didn't lose a lot of sleep over it, well some, but no more than usual. Strange emails from my stalker are a way of life...or at least they have been for a few years now. Wow...years. Well, I didn't think much about it. Until the very next day my phone rang and it was my stalker from his cell phone. Hmmm he NEVER calls from his cell phone because his wife can track that. So...I answered. He wanted me to know that the email I received wasn't from him...it was from his wife. Oh goodie...lets add another psycho to my life. I ignored the email and didn't reply hoping that would be the end of it but, as my luck has it that was just wishful thinking as usual. The next day I had another email. This time identifying herself as his wife and ripping in to me for my inappropriate relationship with her husband. WOW...too bad she doesn't know the truth. I tried really hard to ignore the email. I was actually doing pretty good at it. Then next thing I know, my cell phone has a missed call from the stalker's cell phone again and a voicemail. I tried to figure out the best strategy to manage the situation. I found myself right back in the chaos I was in when I came back from Atlanta. Whatever sense of stability, safety and control I had convinced myself I had was shattered and I was the same scared person I was way back then. I shifted right back in to crisis management mode. I emailed her back and tried to make nice. I tried to tell her I had just a work related relationship with him from years ago. But, you can't fix crazy. Next thing I know, I'm getting email from him from a new email account requesting an opportunity to talk to me. And again, in that old mode of crisis management and trying to keep from pissing everyone off I traded a few messages with him. He of course wanted to apologize for her behavior. Not sure how I would have reacted being her... finding emails from my husband to some woman I don't know asking for pictures and all sorts of inappropriate content. But, it should have been a clue when there were no replies. Anyway, he had the nerve to ask me to LIE for him. She was threatening to call me....to contact my husband. Whoa....to contact MY husband and drag MY family back in to the hell hole my life has been since that night? I can't begin to tell you the fear and panic I felt. Words cannot begin to convey it. I felt like everything I had worked for in the last few years was vanishing before my eyes. So, I told him I wouldn't tell her anything but, he needed to keep her away from my family. And, he THANKED me for being his friend in all this. WTF?! In the meantime, another email from the wife and it was less than polite. I really tried with her ya know. I didn't tell her what a prick her husband is. I didn't shatter her world like he did mine. But, that wasn't enough for her. She still felt the need to pass on a few 4 letter words and to again threaten my family. She was going to contact my husband and tell him I've been having some nefarious interaction with her husband. Are you kidding me?! All this was happening within the span of a few days. I didn't know what Monday morning would bring but, I was filled with the fear and anxiety that has haunted me for some time now. Monday morning rolled around and I went to work not knowing if some crazy woman would be showing up and creating issues. I didn't know if the man who I still fear would show up because his world had been rocked. It was all seeming too much to bear. Then it happened. My phone rang and without a second thought I answered it. It was a number I didn't know and I had gotten used to not being so cautious. It was him...again. He wanted to tell me again how sorry he was and to see what I had heard from her. I snapped. Whatever fear and anxiety I felt was overcome by a rush of anger and resentment. I tore in to him and told him he didn't need to worry so much about what she was doing as he needed to worry about what I was ready to do. I told him flat out that I was done running. I deleted my email account (which to this day pisses me off because it was one I have had for years that I played games on). I informed him, okay...I threatened him. I told him that if she came anywhere near my family....if she contacted my husband or she showed up at my office, she would know exactly what has happened between us and all about the other women that I know about. And at that moment, all the dynamics of this situation changed. For the first time, I think he heard me. I think he knew I was dead serious. That's all been a few weeks ago....and it has been....ummmm quiet. I don't feel so much dread like I used to when there was one of these periods of silence....not a sense of waiting for the other shoe to drop. I find I don't feel much of anything about him....her....this...not even a sense of hopeful optimism that he might be gone for good this time.
I do however, find myself guarded with people again. I have that heightened sense of insecurity when I walk in to a room. I do avoid being touched still. I don't want to be crowded and heaven help you if I feel trapped. All of this has reminded me that I will never be "normal" again. That it won't take much to put me back to that place. Time has made it a little easier and I never would have snapped the way I did a year ago. I guess time will tell how this story will end but for now all this was just a reminder....you can't fix crazy.

TMI

So, I had a totally weird moment. I got a "friend" request from my 13 year old daughter's flavor of the month on facebook. I didn't really feel like I could just ignore the request since I've accepted requests from all the kids at the library. Being me....I started poking around his page and saw my daughter listed as his "in a relationship" person. Ewwww......so not what I wanted to see. But, that was mild compared to all the other things I saw on the other kids pages. Do parents really just close their eyes and not look at the crap their kids post for all the world to see on the web?!? I've resisted my kids getting social networking accounts because I'm just overprotective that way and after reviewing all the "friends" pages, I remember why I'm that way. These kids are barely teens....BARELY....and on some of their pages they are barely dressed. OMG! I couldn't believe how they put themselves out there. It seems there is nothing left to the imagination. If they are bi, tri, quasi....they have no problem telling the world on the internet. I'm disheartened and sad that parent's don't pay attention to their kids and they let them engage in risky behavior.
I know I'm seen as the mama bear who is being overprotective. Maybe I am but, I don't want to wake up one day with one of my kids being the one on the milk carton. Maybe my own personal experience with my stalker has impacted how I view the world. I still wonder how I will be when they want to really date. I'm trying not to visualize myself as the crazy eyed woman sitting behind the blacked out windows peering through the binoculars...cell phone beeping with the gps signal so I don't lose sight of them....baseball bat sitting in the seat beside me. Can you imagine bringing her home late?

On a lighter side- know these have been around a time or two but thought about them again tonight:

10 Rules For Dating My Daughter

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose his compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact,
come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilising a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a pot-bellied, balding, middle-aged, dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

My Mamma Always Told Me to Avoid Religion & Politics

So....in my new job I'm part of the city leadership team. What does that mean exactly?? That means marathon staff meetings every Tuesday - they average 3...yes 3 hours. It also means city council meetings every two weeks and OMG these can take forever....average 4 hours + so we don't get out of there until almost midnight. Well, this city is not like all the other small town Texas cities....it is so far right that they make Glenn Beck look liberal. During the course of the city council meeting this week, I looked around the room and realized I was the only female in the audience...and 1 of 3 women in the room. When they break to go to "executive session" I don't attend those. So the other 2 women left the room....leaving me with the 50 something male posse. I should have walked away....but nope didn't exercise my brain there...major brain fart. I was trying to avoid all the Washington slamming....was trying to avoid the discussion about how our council and city deficit spend. So I entered into a conversation about my kids....of course I didn't stop to think that the conversation I was having was about standing in line to vote and how I was playing devils advocate with my son and arguing the opposite of what his position was regarding the republican propositions. I was relaying the conversation we had about having the 10 commandments and prayer in government buildings during government meetings. I was sharing how I told him that people who weren't Christian might feel disenfranchised and trying to get him to think about separation of church and state. Oh my....who would have thought that trying to make my child an independent thinker would lead to me being called a leftist...virtually a communist. A gentleman not involved in my conversation but eavesdropping piped in to tell me I am what's wrong with our country. That I want to take God out of our country and placate to all these Muslims (btw muslims weren't even my example - I said wiccans and Buddhists). How he was just certain I was proud of my president (mine...not his) for bringing all those ruggers into the white house and having them roll out their prayer rugs. How my president wasn't even recognizing the national day of prayer nor did he have a Christmas tree in the white house. After my initial shock wore off, I was my usual charming self when someone is an ass and showed him the errors of his ways. I asked a friend to help me locate some information and right there on the spot with my trusty blackberry - I showed him the white house tree, showed him how the prayer celebration the muslims had in DC was on the steps of congress and how the right's picture that was attached to the bogus news article was actually Obama outside a mosque in Turkey and how the president was participating in the national day of prayer just not at the white house. He shook his head and stomped off muttering something about technology being the end to us all and my using these made up left wing sources to try to discredit him. Yep....I did a no no....religion and politics. I guess every news source other than FOX is controlled by the left .

Be careful my comrades....you might get red listed reading my rants :)

Again with the Common Sense Thing

Okay....is it just me ....is it just Texas....or has the whole freaking world gone stupid on me?!? Okay....I know part of it is living in Texas. I got a letter from the school earlier this week. Imagine my surprise when it was to notify me they had scheduled a 504 hearing for my daughter. For those of you not familiar with 504 hearings - those are for kids with learning disabilities/issues. Now while I agree these are great options for kids that have true need for them, I have to ask myself what dope someone at that school was smoking when they scheduled one of these hearings from J....my straight A all honors courses student. In the state of Texas, kids that have chronic health conditions (Asthma, diabetes, etc.) are identified as kids in need of 504 plans. Now I'm sure some of those kids really do have need for an alternative plan that makes allowances for getting work in on time, etc. But, again...what dope were they smoking when it came to J?? She's not missed a single school day for asthma this year either. At least at the middle school, they were smart enough to call me before trying to schedule hearings for A & R....which they did. I laughed at that guy too...then refused services. So, I called the special programs director at the school to ask her why the hell they scheduled this hearing for an honor student who is tutoring the kids in the 504 program. She gave me a lame excuse and being the smartass we all know and adore....I offered to help them set up a process to weed out these kids that are just caught in this wormhole ....being identified as needing services and no one there being smart enough to flag them and say WTF were we thinking with this one. Needless to say...haven't heard back from them just yet.

Ahhh yes....justification for more chlorine in the gene pool.

XoXo
Pandora

Brief bit a news

Yeah! It's official....I'm no longer interim. I'm happy and relieved. Which is really good....bout time. The estate still hasn't changed which is very annoying. I don't know why people find it so hard to just do what they say. Is it really that hard to just do your job? Apparently so....lawyers....bottom of the feeding pool. Tomorrow and Friday are two more days of training....I have more training hours in the first 6 weeks of this job than required for the next 3 years. Who woulda thunk it was so complicated!

So much going on in the world and so much to say....too bad my joints are hurting tonight and making typing such a task....more to come.

XoXo
Pandora

Shattered Illusions

I thought I was pretty wise to the world..key word there being thought. I also thought that after everything I've been through, I would be able to handle most anything thrown at me. I have to tell you, I in no way was prepared for this last week. Mouse and I were sitting on my bed with her doing homework and texting with her "boy toy". I've never been too worried about this kid. She has known him since 1st grade. They went to school together for several years and he lives in another city. He is still attending parochial school. So...anyway....last week as we were working on proportions, he texts her telling her he wants to ask her something but doesn't want her to get mad. I was thinking how bad could it be. I was so not prepared when she showed me his text. He was asking her to trade naked pictures. WTF?!? They are 13!!! He wanted her to send him a nude photo of herself and he would send her a shirtless photo. He begged, he pleaded, he even used the "don't you want to see how sexy I am". Umm SEXY at 13?? Not even old enough to have fuzz on the peaches. He begged...she got upset. So many things went through my head here.
1) I was very proud of her for so many reasons. She came to me... she never hesitated. She did tell me not to tell her dad because he would "flip out". She trusted me when this happened and felt she could talk to me about it. Way cool. She also told him not just no but hell no. She didn't give in when he begged and pleaded and she even told him on her own that if he didn't think more of her than that then maybe they shouldn't be talking. He apologized of course but, hasn't talked to her since.
2) I did pretty good with not flipping out myself. I wanted to and I've walked a very fine line. There's a part of me that wants to text him, call him, or better yet talk to his parents. But, I respect that she came to me and I don't want to violate that trust. That is far more important to me than going off on him or telling his parents.
3) I was surprised at how many ways it triggered me when she said these 4 little words, "I feel so violated." I know what that feels like. It sent me places I wasn't fond of going nor want to travel back to any time soon. What am I going to do when they actually want to date?!? This is going to be a wild ride and I'm soooooo not ready for it. I'm very glad that J is still in to horses and has NO interest in boys.

In the end, Mouse has decided that this guy really isn't worth the heartache and is "dumping" him. She said they can be friends but, she's not interested in someone who wants to trade pics like that - of course we all know that's why he was texting her "friends". They are the kind of girls who do. I'm so proud of her for being true to herself. I'm glad that she respects herself enough to do that. Too bad not all young people do. Sexting should be left to the adults :)

XoXo
Pandora