Thankfulness....

During the last week, I've heard from several people in our small town about an article my daughter wrote in the newspaper. I listened intently but, was befuddled that I had no clue what they were talking about. I was told how the people who knew her were so touched by it....that it was heartfelt and drew tears to their eyes. The more I heard the more curious I became since I had absolutely no idea what was being referenced. So, I came home and asked her. She replied with a "don't you remember...I had an assignment to write about being thankful....well it was picked as 1 to be published in the paper..." Ummmm she couldn't tell me this why?!? I would have bought the stupid paper for her memory book! I remember the assignment now that she jogged my memory and I remember what I felt the first time I took a look at it and reviewed it as she had asked. I quietly wiped away the tears as it dawned on me that my child truly gets the meaning of the holidays. I revisited that assignment again but, this time trying to see it through the eyes of the people who had referenced it during our conversations. I was told what a great job I had done as a parent to instill these things in her....and the truth is....she's done a great job as a daughter in reminding me that even now...after one of the hardest years I've ever had....I still have much to be thankful for....so I hope you enjoy her assignment and can take something from it like I did...

What I am Thankful for....
by Barbaro's Angel

I wake up in the morning with a nearly two hundred pound dog on my legs. When I go downstairs, the other fifteen dogs greet me with a melody of barks, some shrill and high-pitched, others deep and bellowing. Some come from inside, some come from outside. I can see the four barn cats still asleep under my dad's truck as the indoor cats watch with curiosity the actions of the other felines. I can see one gelding asleep on his feet, the other lying on the ground to sleep. I can hear the rabbit shuffling around in her cage outside. For them all, I am thankful.

As I watch my younger brother and sister sit down to eat their cereal, I smile. I'm thankful for them as well. The thankfulness only grows at my parents walk into the room. My mom flips on the television. It shows an American flag as they talk about recent news. It makes me feel thankful that I live in a country as priviledged as America, and with as much freedom as the water int he Mississippi River.

These things are only the tip of the iceberg when it comes to things I am thankful for. I am grateful for the wonderful food I am served to eat. I appreciate that I have skilled teachers to fill me with knowledge. I am thankful for a small group of honest, fair, caring people whom I call friends. They are the best friends anyone could ask for, sticking by me day in and day out. I am filled with gratitude that I have a house to live in, and clothes on my back to keep me warm. I am thankful I have so many other nice material items I can enjoy, and I am blessed to know there are troops out there now in Iraq, Afghanistan, and so forth fighting for this country with their lives to keep us from harm.

As I sit down this Thanksgiving to celebrate a time of gratitude, thinking of these things will humble me. I will know that I am truly blessed, and that I have much to be thankful for.

A thankful mom....

Pandora

What's in a Job?

Okay....I've been twiddling my thumbs trying to find a damn job. I have received several thanks but no thanks letters alluding to the fact that I'm overqualified therefore I won't stay. It annoys me to no end that they don't even ask me if it is something I might want to do or why I would want to do it if I am so "overqualified". So, I've been getting frustrated. Then this opportunity that I mentioned before just fell in my lap so to speak. I have spent a great deal of time there this week getting a good feel for the place, the job and the people I would be supervising. I've been trying to be guardedly optimistic. I don't want to count my chickens before they hatch since it hasn't even been officially opened as of yet. So yesterday, I was thrown a curve ball. A different job that I applied for several weeks ago (talk about a slow HR department) called. When I applied for this job, out of all the previous ones I had applied for...this one was at the top of the list for jobs I actually wanted. It is working at a museum...being the executive assistant to the VP of Exhibitions and Programs. It is a pretty cool looking job on paper. Anyway...they called and want an interview. Being the mental chess player that I am and you adore....I have been trying to run all the scenarios.
There are pros and cons to both jobs. The biggest con to the library is it is a huge pay cut. But, at the library I am close to the kids, have a more flexible schedule and am the boss which I'm really good at (or so the people I used to work with keep telling me). The museum is just way cool! Think that job would be ever changing. But, it has cons as well. It is downtown and a very nasty traffic area. It won't have the flexibility that the library has, I won't be close to the kids, and I will be dealing more with adults....which I'm not exactly fond of. So....I am finding myself asking...what's in a job? When I think back to a lifetime far away...when I was first considering careers my Junior year in high school...I had it all planned out. I wanted to be a child advocate....I wanted to do some type of social service with kids. So off to college I went and got two freaking degrees that would allow me to do that but, I'm not doing it. Somewhere along the way, I got sidetracked. I didn't realize until recently just how trapped I felt in my old job. I lost the opportunities to do the things I really like to do. As much as I profess to hate people, I am still a caregiver and THAT'S the kind of job I want. For me, it isn't about the title or the money. Yes, I realize I sound like a Pollyanna. So many people see a job as a means to an end....I just can't wrap my head around that. If I'm going to be spending 8-10+ hours a day doing something, it better have a positive outcome for someone somewhere.
I guess what I'm getting at here is both of these jobs could in their own way give me that. Yes, I know neither one has been offered yet but, I don't want to look at the chess board and find I'm in a checkmate position! Guess I'm a lot like Heart and want my road map or at least the two final destinations programmed in to my GPS.

Looking for my own Garman....

Pandora

Irrational Fear

After an interesting conversation (see what happens when you make me think) I started to think and really focus on the concept of fear. One of my favorite quotes in the world is:

"Fear is the thief of dreams" ...not sure who said it but it has always stuck with me. After the assault, I feared everything and there are some things I'm not sure I will ever get past the fear. Fear can be paralyzing. One day I was walking through Target and a gentleman who was some build and had same characteristics as "T"...and just happened to wear the same cologne walked by me and I was actually paralyzed with fear. That is a horrible place to be. I called someone and he talked me down off the ledge so to speak but, none the less I know what fear can do. I've been told it is part of that "flight vs. fight" programming we all come with and that that programming is heightened after a traumatic experience. While I understand that from an academic perspective...that doesn't lessen that fear any less. I started to really think about this stuff a while back. As I've mentioned in previous blogs, my job search has been more about crisis management...what job can I take and not be fearful of the environment....who can I work with and not be fearful of them. The harder I looked at this...I began to realize something....there are two types of fear....one that is very rational and one that is totally irrational. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that rational or irrational makes them any less scary and debilitating. What I am saying is...at some point you have to put your big girl panties on and address the irrational fears. You have to ask yourself the hard questions and say what is it here I am really afraid of and what is the worst thing that can happen in that situation? That isn't always easy to do. Believe me...I know. Dealing with rational fear is hard enough but irrational fear is even worse in my opinion. You have to be willing to take a step back from the situation and look deeper. I did. I realized that my fear of the workplace is irrational. It still causes me some anxiety but, I have to tell myself that I can't always live my life in crisis control mode because life is way too short and if you make all your decisions based on irrational fear you are missing out on so much.

I will admit I did have an additional motivator. I am FED UP with him having this much power and control in my life. I want my life back...and yes, before you all jump on that I know that it won't be what I had before...that life is gone forever....but I want it to be a life defined by me and my parameters and no one else.

Grabbing life by the balls....
XoXo
Pandora

Go Longhorns....and Stuff

Okay....so I am trying to do better about blogging more frequently. It isn't that I haven't had a lot to say....life has just been really busy keeping up with kids, looking for a job, doing all sorts of things that pull me away from here. I've also been a little under the weather. I'm pretty pleased...normally by December, I've had bronchitis several times. Here it is almost middle of the month and I'm just now starting to get what usually ends up with me on antibiotics! I can't really see anything I'm doing differently this year and it is the first winter season I've been on the immunosupressants....weird.

So this blog will be a mix and match all-in-one...catch you up on life blog.

Did anyone else watch that Texas-Nebraska game Saturday night? OMG they nearly killed me!!!!! I couldn't watch the last drive at all. I stood in the laundry room with the washer & dryer going and Barbaro's Angel yelling what was happening to me now and again and my heart sank when she told me the game was over and the Nebraska boys were running on the field. Then there was that jolt of adrenaline when I heard there was 1 second...yes 1 second left for my team to make it to the National Championship game. Don't I have enough stress and anxiety in my life. Even the diehard aggie in my house was yelling at the TV when he made the kick! Maybe they really are a team of destiny...maybe mom really is putting in a good word for Colt and the boys this year. (Thanks Mom!) Colorado Living...I think I finally fully understood what your wife goes through when the Broncos play :)

Speaking of Saturday, while Barbaro's angel was off kicking ass and taking names in debate...Mouse was singing at the community Christmas event. She did a fabulous job per usual and I'm looking forward to the Choir concert at school tomorrow night. While there....some acquaintances that I've met during my time homeschooling the kids came over to check in on me and the kiddos since they know them all very very well. Turns out...one of them will be leaving town in the very near future...and she thought I might be interested in her job....DING DING DING...we have a winner!! I spent a lot of time thinking about this over the weekend...it would mean a significant cut in pay but....it would afford me so many of the other things I have struggled with 1) I will be very close to the kids...able to take them with me on their days off that I'm working...and they can spend all summer with me 2) and maybe more importantly it is some place I feel comfortable and safe...that in and of itself is HUGE and finally 3) it is a job I think I could really enjoy doing. I have spent the last 2 days shadowing the person whose job I will be applying for and learning all the ins and outs. She is introducing me to all the "right" people. She even invited me as her special guest to a board meeting tonight. Looks like I'm also going to some training with her next week. All this...and I haven't even applied for the job officially and have no guarantees I will get it when I do. (Although, I think her letter of recommendation that she is giving me might help ....a LOT). Nothing but good thoughts from everyone because I could really use this break. I am still actively looking for a job....because there are no real guarantees in life and I don't want to be caught off guard. I can tell you if this doesn't work out...I will be pretty disappointed.

So....that brings me to the update on the estate. I think I actually see the light at the end of the tunnel...and I really don't think it is a train this time! Everyone keep their fingers crossed because we might actually have all the paperwork submitted and the house closed on by the end of next week. That would be the absolute best Christmas present this year.

I think that covers all the mundane day-to-day stuff going on....life is just too busy and moves too fast! Before you know it....it will be 2010! Those of you not living in HELL....enjoy the snow for me...please....

Dreaming of a white Christmas....or even one that won't be in the 70s would be nice this year

Pandora

Getting in to the Holiday "spirit"

Okay, I've spent my day baking cookies....hanging garland....inflating eeyore and tiger and pooh in the front yard. I've dawned my reindeer antlers and even turned on Christmas tunes. Aren't ya proud of me yet?

As most of you know, I've found the holidays challenging for some time. This year will be exceptionally hard. My kids have always enjoyed going over to my mom's and helping her decorate for the holidays. We ended up with a lot of the decorations from Mom's house and so I'm immersed and surrounded by all the "familiar" things that remind me of this time of year and Mom. I'm trying very hard to be the parent who puts her kids first. They need me to try to ease some of the sadness they feel this year...having to do the holiday without Grandma...without being surrounded by all the extended family. There will be no trips to Colorado this year....no big family meals surrounded by aunts and uncles, cousins and friends....and the hardest thing of all is no Grandma....the woman they loved and adored who really loved this time of year.

So, I will put on my happy face....keep my reindeer antlers on a little crooked and crank up Elvis and Sinatra....Como....and George Strait...(If I'm going to listen to Christmas carols they should at least by people I enjoy listening to)....and I will even go to candlelight Christmas eve service....and maybe this Christmas which will be filled with so many tears just might not be quite the time of loss that it feels like at this moment...at least not for the people most important to me...my kids.

Jingling my bells....
XoXo
Pandora

The "what if..." Game

I know my blogs have been all over the place lately and I guess they are a reflection of my life...all the change and uncertainty have left me reeling at times. During the course of the last few weeks...months....I've found myself playing the "what if..." game. Admit it...you all do it too. You look back on things you've done or not done and said what if I had done this or that. Yes, I know...hindsight is 20/20 and this game tends to be somewhat self-destructive. It keeps us going over decisions that we can do absolutely nothing about. On some level though, I think this game can be a healthy reflection on history and we all know what they say about history...if you don't learn from it you are bound to repeat it. While I find myself doing this "what if..." game with respect to many aspects of my life right now...work, mom, "T"...the one I want to focus on in this blog is "T" simply because I am working really hard to put this behind me and move forward and that was why I started blogging to begin with. It also goes with a promise I made and the previous few blogs. So...here goes....

"T" was a colleague...someone I thought was a friend. I didn't set out to trust "T" but, over time, and circumstance of being forced to work with him and deal with him on a day in and day out basis to get the job done, that trust naturally grew. Telecommuting is a very odd position to work from so you get used to spending a lot of time in other people's offices, meeting in restaurants, or as luck would have it since I don't drink coffee - Starbucks. It was a running joke amongst my colleagues that a particular Starbucks was my "north" office. So, it wasn't odd for me to find myself having a working lunch with "T". But, what was odd was over time, I didn't take note of the locations for the lunches. Okay, well, I did take note and while I thought some of the venues were just odd (lunch at a restaurant that has candles on the tables?), I chalked it up to me looking for things and dismissed my own "gut" instincts. So, I looked the other way and made nothing of it...that should have been a huge red flag but, I didn't listen so now I ask myself...what if...what if I had just put him on the spot and asked what the hell was up with that? Would I have seen it coming?
Moving along..Public Meeting venues...."T" had a nasty habit of picking up my phone whenever I would leave it laying somewhere. I would be up giving presentations to a crowd of our peers/colleagues and he would disappear out the back of the room with my phone. I keep a lot of personal things on my phone and while I found this exceptionally odd and even questioned him about it, he would say he forgot his and just needed to make a call or check email or something and I would shrug it off even though it bothered the hell out of me. (BTW - for those of you who know me you now know why I can't stand any else touching my phone without at least asking.) "T" would also isolate me at public venues. It wasn't uncommon for him to walk up when I was in a group of people and grab my arm with the "Hey, I need to talk to you about X." I didn't see it...but now I do...he had no respect for personal boundaries. But, what really gets me about this one is that people at work who know what happened have made comment that they always thought it was weird how possessive he was of my time and how he always isolated me in public venues. If they saw it and thought it odd enough to make note of it and remember it now...then why didn't they say something? What if just one of them had pulled me aside and said something about it...would I have started putting two and two together and getting four?
The people I work with are a touchy feely group...they can't help it. Apparently people in public health have some of the worst fashion sense and are the biggest huggers around. It has never been uncommon for people to do things like touch my shoulder when they are talking to me, or to greet me with a hug or send me on my way with a hug (now, I'm very closed off to that except from very specific people). What if...we had a more "traditional" work place...would I have finally picked up on all the cues that I just didn't see? What if I hadn't been married for an eternity and off the "market" so to speak...would I have been more aware that when a guy touches your foot under the table you should pick up that he's hitting on you? I actually had to be told that and still laughed it off. Again, I thought it was odd but dismissed my instincts and thought no younger man who is in a live-in relationship, divorced and has a child would be hitting on an older married woman.
....okay...there's more of this blog to come but...the "real" world is calling and I need to head out...

stay tuned...

Pandora

Is it Human Nature to Hold on to the "Bad" Things?

Have you ever noticed that as humans we tend to hold on to the bad things that happen to us in life? Most of us mark anniversaries...the good - birthdays, wedding (most of the time *wink*), births of our children, college/high school graduation....the bad - deaths, accidents, life changing moments. So why is it we often give those bad things as much or sometimes even more weight than we do the good? I was talking to someone yesterday and was told that the bad things only carry as much power as I allow them. Okay...that's true but, again....isn't that just human nature? Maybe it is the people like me who strive to be perfectionists that get caught in this trap. We mark these dates often as somehow being our shortcomings. Again, in another conversation recently, I was told "you're human....welcome to the human race...we've been waiting for you." I admit it...I try very hard to be superwoman and not let anyone down. That's a whole other post. I'm just sitting here this morning surrounded by thoughts of all the bad things I hold on to and how I am striving to learn to let go of those. Like I told someone recently in a comment on their blog....if you hold on to all the bad things and box them away.. put them in your internal filing system...then you have far less room for the good things. But, then again...what do you expect from someone with an Eeyore tattoo? :)

Working not to be such a pessimist...
XoXo
Pandora

The House that Built Me

Another song that speaks to me...I would think for obvious reasons but just in case let me try to shed some light. The last few months have been really hard. I don't really feel like I belong here. Add to that the fact that the one childhood home I have always had in a lot of ways is no longer available to me. It just isn't "home" any more. I look back on the years I've spent there and while the memories will always be in my heart sometimes the void I feel just doesn't seem like it will go away. I love Miranda Lambert's music so when this CD came out, I rushed out to buy it. It wasn't what I expected. I've grown used to the ummm harder side of her...the side that doesn't really like men and again for obvious reasons that appeals to me. When I heard this song, I cried to the point I was sobbing. For the first time since I lost my mom, the walls all came down and I truly felt the loss and I couldn't put the tears away for hours afterwards. I know they say crying is cathartic and I'm sure on some level it was good for me but, in that moment this song just really summed up how I felt and what I will be leaving behind. So as I go in to the first holiday season that I'm not spending with my mom filled with mixed emotions and a lot of uncertainty, I wanted to share this song as it pretty much sums up how I feel. I won't be going "home" for the holidays this year or pretty much ever again.

The House that Built Me
Miranda Lambert

I know they say you can’t go home again
I just had to come back one last time
Ma’am I know you don’t know me from Adam
But these handprints on the front steps are mine

Up those stairs in that little back bedroom
Is where I did my homework and I learned to play guitar
I bet you didn’t know under that live oak
My favorite dog is buried in the yard

I thought if I could touch this place or feel it
This brokenness inside me might start healing
Out here it’s like I’m someone else
I thought that maybe I could find myself
If I could just come in I swear I’ll leave
Won’t take nothing but a memory
From the house that built me

Mama cut out pictures of houses for you
From Better Homes and Gardens magazine
Plans were drawn and concrete poured
Nail by nail and board by board
Daddy gave life to mama’s dream

I thought if I could touch this place or feel it
This brokenness inside me might start healing
Out here it’s like I’m someone else
I thought that maybe I could find myself
If I could just come in I swear I’ll leave
Won’t take nothing but a memory
From the house that built me

You leave home and you move on and you do the best you can
I got lost in this old world and forgot who I am

I thought if I could touch this place or feel it
This brokenness inside me might start healing
Out here it’s like I’m someone else
I thought that maybe I could find myself
If I could just come in I swear I’ll leave
Won’t take nothing but a memory
From the house that built me

False Sense of Security?

So, it has been a while since I blogged again. Sorry...I've been taking a "break" from life. I spent a few days in Colorado with family and wasn't ready to come back to "reality". But, unfortunately, reality was ready for me and waiting before I even made it out of the airport. A couple of things to note that I realized while I was away...

• I highly recommend seeing the movie "Law Abiding Citizen"...it won't appeal to everyone but it did appeal to me and after you see it you will understand why. I keep wondering where I can get some of those gadgets. It is one of those movies where you can't figure out just who the bad guy is...and if it is who you think it is...then you find yourself cheering the bad guy on. Okay...again...maybe that's just me. I totally understand what it is like to have someone push you past the boundaries of reason.
• You can run but...you can't hide. I tried to escape from the realities of living in Hell...and well...it didn't work. While I avoided the phone, the computer, and various other commitments...they didn't avoid me or go away while I was basking in the blowing snow at the Air Force Academy game. The probate continued on..the difficulties with settling the estate carried on...the issues with the old job snuck back in...the fact I don't have a "new" job is still weighing heavy. I tried to borrow Heart's box and labeling system to file them away for just a few days and just let go and relax and for the most part...I was very successful.
• I really didn't want to come "home". Don't get my wrong, I missed the critters and family. I just didn't want to be here because as hard as I try...this just doesn't feel like home. I feel at home when I'm anywhere but here...which I guess brings me to the point of this blog...the false sense of security....

So....while I was in Colorado....I think I found myself lulled in to a false sense of security...not from all the above mentioned things but...from the psychopath that just won't go away. I hadn't heard from him in a while. Who knows...maybe that played a part in my thinking it was finally over...well...not over but that he had finally moved on to his next target. There will be another target some day. People like him just don't stop. People think I keep wanting to move from here because I am "running" from him and it really isn't that. Yes, I hope that being in another state will help me to stop looking over my shoulder. But, I'm also realistic enough to know this experience has changed me forever and it is such a part of me now that no matter what zipcode I'm in...he...this...will always be with me. For a few days....for a small amount of time while I was nestled in the Rockies...I let down my guard. I didn't constantly worry that he was around every corner. I was lulled in to a sense of security and when I came home it was shattered. The phone rang...and it was that voice. What really sucks is once I hear that voice it doesn't go away for a while afterwards. It completely rocks my world. I'm right back there again and it plays like a movie clip in my head. Will that change if I hear that voice and I'm a few thousand miles away? I don't know. But, I do know that at some point there has to be peace. I can't run forever and any illusions of security that I found in that peaceful winter snow are now muddied and gray like snow gets when it has been there for a few days and the cars leave their mark.

Missing the peace I had found
XoXo
Pandora

When did NO stop meaning NO??

Okay...so it has been a few days since I have blogged. I have been feeling a little more tired than usual and thinking I might be going in to another "flare" of the lupus but, c'est la vie life goes on. I didn't want the readers of the blog to think I was avoiding blogging because of the topic matter from my last rant. So...on to the next in the series...

When did no stop meaning no? Walk through any major retailer these days and you can hear this conversation: "Mom, can I have this?" "No." "But Mom...all my friends have it." "No, if your friends jumped off a bridge would you do it too?" "Depends...how high is the bridge and how deep is the water?" "I still said NO!" "But Mom...please." "Will you stop whining if I get it?" "YES! Thanks Mom."

Doesn't that seem like an innocent enough conversation? But, take that conversation in a very different context. What happens when a teenage girl in the backseat of a souped up Chevy says no and the guy with her pushes on anyway? What happens when someone goes through a traumatic event and wants to avoid contact & their mate pushes them thinking it is okay for them to touch them anyway? What happens when a couple is in bed and she says not tonight and he pushes on anyway? We all know it happens. Every day...women around our country...our world say no and it isn't heard or respected. We minimize and trivialize. We laugh off the off-colored comments made about our sexuality at work. We try to make light of someone who touches us inappropriately because we don't want to "rock the boat". Women are told in subtle and not so subtle ways...you have to go along to get along. No stopped meaning no and I don't know how we change that back. I'm not sure it has to be a cultural change in the women of our world. I think we have to start with the young boys...the men of our future. I know that 9 times out of 10 when I hear that conversation in the store...it is usually with the Mom. Do we as mothers/women start the ball rolling with no not meaning no when we give in to these requests? These are the formative years and kids have a hard enough time reading the mixed messages we send them so do we start them down this path early in life where when a woman says no she doesn't really mean no? Just food for thought...I don't know what the right answer is but I know in the 10 minutes it has taken me to write this blog...5 more women in our country said no and someone didn't listen and their personal boundaries were violated.

Wondering wistfully,
XoXo
Pandora

Shining my Own Light...

****WARNING - THIS ENTRY CONTAINS CONTENT OF A VIOLENT SEXUAL NATURE - PLEASE BE ADVISED THAT READING WILL BE DIFFICULT ****

In the last few weeks, I've spent a fair amount of time talking to some people I care about regarding some things we all share in common. These things aren't the things you want to share with anyone else let alone people you care about because these are the unspeakable things no one wants to happen to others. The content of this blog will be a mixture of things...it will be me sharing my own personal experience...it will be me shining the light on the face of sexual assault in our country....and it will be my views about the topic our country works so hard to shame the victims of a violent crime about. For the purpose of this blog and because I am a woman, this blog will consist of only statistics/views on women survivors.

A while back, I was reading a book on the subject of sexual related crimes, it was a victim's accounting. The author, an expert on the topic, summed up how our country sees sex related crimes pretty well with the following story:
A woman walks in to a party...she is black and blue, lip split, eye swelled shut...a crowd gathers to ask her what happened and she said she was mugged in a dark alley on her way to work. Everyone wanted to hear her story, they wanted the gory details of how her assailant brutally beat her until she gave up her purse. The crowd hung on her every word and then comforted her along the way telling her how brave she was to fight back and how noble she is to share her story.
A woman walks in to a party...she is black and blue, lip split, eye swelled shut...a crowd gathers to ask her what happened and she said she was raped in a dark alley on her way to work. No one wants to hear her story, they don't want the gory details of how her assailant brutally beat her until she couldn't fight back any longer. The crowd dispersed around the room and stood in small groups whispering that she shouldn't have been in a dark alley to begin with and that no wonder this happened, after all she wears those short skirts to work.
What's the difference? Is the woman in scenario 1 any more a victim than the woman in scenario 2? How is the rape victim to blame for what happened to her...ostracized and criticized and the mugging victim is a heroin for surviving her ordeal? Is our country's preoccupation with Puritanistic views to blame? This is the best kept dirty secret in the US.

Here are just a few crime statistics for you to ponder as you read the rest of this blog:

• 17.7 million American women have been victims of attempted or completed rape.
• 1 out of every 6 American women has been the victim of an attempted or completed rape in her lifetime.
• 15% of sexual assault and rape victims are under age 12.
• In 1995, local child protection service agencies identified 126,000 children who were victims of either substantiated or indicated sexual abuse with nearly 30% of child victims were between the age of 4 and 7.
• In 2007, there were 248,300 victims of rape, attempted rape, or sexual assault. (These figures do not include victims 12 years old or younger.) That means there is 1 sexual assault every 127 seconds, or about 1 every 2 minutes.
• Sexual assault is one of the most under reported crimes, with 60% still being left unreported.
• 
• Approximately 2/3 of rapes were committed by someone known to the victim. 73% of sexual assaults were perpetrated by a non-stranger. 38% of rapists are a friend or acquaintance. 28% are an intimate. 7% are a relative.

Put 6 women you know in a room...and know that 1 of them stands a good chance of being the survivor of a sexual assault. Get a sticky note...label it victim...then walk around the room. Who would you want to stick that label on...your mother? Your sister? Your daughter? Your wife?

It is easier to look at these numbers if you don't have a face to put them to. So take a good look at me...I am the face you need to put them to. I'm the sister, the daughter, the mother, the wife that this has happened to. I'm a highly functioning, intelligent woman. I'm a college graduate who even worked in the criminal justice system and thought I was a good judge of character. I was vigilant when I traveled for work or when I was in the "sleazy" part of town. I know I've said it before in my blog...I've sugarcoated it and put the prettier label on it but, the truth of the matter is...I'm Pandora and I'm a rape survivor. Why would I say that out loud? Why would I put that down in such a public forum for people to form their opinions about and open myself up to criticism, negativity, shame? Because I'm no less worthy of the woman who was mugged. This wasn't my fault any more than it was hers and until we...the women who have been through this start to shine our own lights and tell our stories to others...and sometimes even to ourselves....nothing will change. Why does it need to change? Because I'm not going to look at my two daughters and tell them they aren't worth changing the world for. I'm not going to look at my future granddaughters and tell them that I didn't think they were worth sharing my story to change the world...even if that is only my corner of the world. I'm not going to look at myself in the mirror for another day...another hour...another minute and say I'm not worth sharing my story to change my own world. We hide in the shadows....we don't talk about it out of fear...shame...contempt for ourselves. We hide from the stereotypes and ridicule. We want to help keep the prevailing dirty little secret that this crime is. We have a stereotype of what the victim looks like...and we even have a stereotype of what the perpetrator looks like. I'm here to shatter that stereotype. My assailant was your friendly next door neighbor, your outgoing co-worker. He was a college educated man, even has a master's degree. On the outside, he was/is the perfect gentleman. He can carry on and function within the societal norms. He was a friend, a co-worker, and someone I completely trusted to look out for me. He is married and has children - boys who I pray won't grow up to be just like him. He is someone I trusted and whom I had no idea held such rage and hatred toward women.
I still find this topic almost unbearable to talk about. Years of therapy/counseling are finally starting to change my self-loathing and self blame attitude. The biggest obstacle I still face is being able to talk about that night and not have it all come flooding back. That's where I am right now. I'm learning to talk about that night and detach any emotional baggage I have left. I know I need to...I know I HAVE to...if I ever want to take back the control he has in my life. This is the first of a series of posts about this. I hope that those of you who have made it this far through the story will take a seat, buckle up and take this ride with me....especially those of you who I tell day in and day out...you have to talk about it...you have to take back the control. I hope that you find strength and some comfort in my words...and if you take nothing else from this...know...you are not alone. It is time to shine the light...no more hiding in the deep dark self destructive recesses of our own minds.

Wishing harmony and peace
xOxO
Pandora

First Impressions Are Everything...

aren't they? When I was doing the mock interviews the other day, I told the kids that the first impression people get of you...right or wrong...is how you look. While that holds true during an interview...I've come to realize it doesn't always hold true in life. We all know I despise labels but, I have to admit with the Cherry Condom Girl I was really bad about labeling her even before I saw her. So how do labels and impressions go together? My first impression of this girl wasn't what she looked like...it was based on her actions and how those are perceived. So, first impressions also come from how you behave...interesting. But, they don't just stop there do they? Don't first impressions also come from the people you associate with? I've been busting Mouse's chops lately about the girls she spends time with. We all knew them in school...the prissy cheerleader fashion conscious snobby girls. You would think I would be happy that she has a group of "popular" girls that took her in right away and included her in their pack...and I do mean pack...because they are a pack of wolves that would eat their young if they could. Okay...did I mention I'm not real fond of these girls? Mouse comes home and she tells me about how they sit in the lunchroom day in and day out and critique all the other kids fashions...she doesn't wear converse with her skinny leg jeans...oh that shirt was so last season....have you seen the boy she talks to...ewww. I KNOW I raised my child better than that. While Mouse assures me she has not been a part of those conversations ...she just sits and doesn't get involved, I pointed out two key points that I wanted her to keep in mind 1) if you don't do it because it is the wrong thing to do...then why do you associate with the people who partake in the activity and sit silent while they berate other kids...and 2) remember...people who don't know you often form a first impression about you based on the people you associate with. Now before you guys start telling me I need to cut her some slack being in a new school and working to make friends, I want you all to know, I've left this decision totally up to her. I've not once told her she couldn't hang out with these girls. I have told her that if I find out she is engaging in similar behavior she and I will have a come to Jesus meeting in nothing flat. I am trusting her as a parent to find that moral compass again and find the courage to either squash this behavior in these girls or make a choice not to be involved with them at all. My money is that she and her friend yram with ride off in to the sunset together and break away from these contrite little brats.
So where am I going with this....I think as adults we sometimes forget the first impression we leave with people. We start to think it doesn't really matter...they either like us or they don't. I'm not saying be fake or don't be yourself but, I am saying try to temper that with being aware of your surroundings. You never know what kind of person you might miss out on because you left them with a bad first impression.

Just my two rambling cents.
xOxO
Pandora

Cherry Condom Girl

Frozen Lake in Colorado....*sigh*

Everyone who reads my blog regularly knows a few things about me:

• I'm pretty liberal...and very openminded about sex issues/topics.
• I'm very protective of my children...and not real fond of the current education system.
• I tend to be very opinionated...otherwise I probably wouldn't have a blog.

Having said all those things....I want to relay a story that took place at my house in the last few weeks. Mouse (the 7th grader) came home after a track meet a couple of weeks ago and said she needed to talk to me in private. I was thinking hmmmm this doesn't sound good. As soon as we got home and she could whisk me away from her siblings she began to relay a story to me that as a parent made any remaining illusions I had of exposing her to public school kids being an okay or good thing vanish like the prom queen's virginity on prom night. On the way back from the meet, they stopped at a gas station to get snacks. I don't think what happened next is the kind of snacking the track coach had in mind. Two of the girls went to the restroom and bought flavored condoms and then had a discussion about which flavor they preferred. I am by no means prudish and if our youth will be engaging in sex, I'm glad they would take precautions to keep themselves safe. I do have issues that these girls were 7th and 8th graders. I'm not saying it is okay for high schoolers to be engaged in sex acts either but, I'm realistic enough to know it happens every day in schools both public and private every day. I do find it appaling that girls that are 11-13 know what flavor condom they prefer. I can't begin to tell you as a parent all the bells and whistles that went off in my head. I've been to seminars where they talk about girls, 12 and 14 year olds on their first and second babies. I know that stuff happens. But, to have my own child put it in this perspective for me was something I wasn't prepared for at all. Where was the adult supervision on this trip?!? My daughter spends the majority of her week with other people in an environment that I'm not always thrilled with. I do expect them to exercise some control in these situations and provide adequate supervision. This doesn't even begin to cover the fact that I just realized that a group of very influential girls are left to travel with a single 24 year old male track coach. THIS is why I usually don't allow her to ride the bus back from the meets. But, I tried to take a step back and not totally flip out. There were some positives in all this which I will get to later.

So, I engaged in a conversation with both my daughters about safe sex, good public decorum, and what I would like for them as a parent to do but, what I will also support them with should they make choices. This isn't the first time we've had this conversation. It was just a little more intense. I also told Mouse that I thought I wanted to talk to the school about this incident just to voice my concern as a parent. She begged me not to (didn't want to be labeled the snitch) and against my better judgment, I relented. The girl involved will always be Cherry Condom Girl from here on out though. (On a side note - someone did say something to the coach and it really wasn't me...honest :) )

The following week - district track meet rolled around and it was the last meet of the season. The team was going to stop afterwards to eat dinner together. As a parent, I wanted her to come home with me but, I also didn't want her to miss out on the commradery of the day. So again, I didn't use the best of judgment when I allowed her to ride the bus back. I got a text message from her on the way home saying a group of kids was passing the condom around and taking turns licking it. Ummm EWWWWW!!!! That is just nasty on so many levels. I didn't ask if anyone was wearing it or if this was just like a piece of candy they were all sharing (You're welcome for the visual Heart :) ). I couldn't discuss that via text message so when we both got home, I asked her what the hell was going on. She relayed to me that a group of girls and boys was passing this thing around the back of the bus taking turns licking it to get a taste. Wow...I was just mortified and grossed out. Talk about germs....that is a good way to spread every "itis" out there...hepatitis, menengitis, you name it. What stopped me in my tracks though was what she told me next....she got up and moved to the front of the bus. She made a choice not to give in to the peer pressure and did what she felt was right. In that moment, I knew that she would be just fine in public school or anywhere else she goes. She used her own moral compass and did what she felt was right and totally disenaged from a bad situation.
I finally saw Cherry Condom Girl....years from now when they walk across the stage at graduation (if CCG makes it that far)....they can call her by her name but, I will still see nothing but Cherry Condom Girl. Which brings me to a whole other blog for another time....Impressions....

Again - a proud Mom....

XoXo
Pandora

Where's Pandora?

Okay, so I was asked today why I haven't blogged in a while. I made up a million and one reasons why I haven't but, the truth is, when I write, I get emotional. Things I'm not really ready to say out loud some how end up flying off my fingertips and opening up doors that I'm not really sure I'm ready to open. It has been a very odd week. I'm feeling very lost...in my own head....in my own home....in my own life. So...this particular blog is going to try to tell everyone just where I've been....

I noticed I haven't blogged in ummm....a while. I can't believe I didn't come here to show my pride in being a longhorn and the fact that we beat owhou. Saturday's game was very tough for me to watch. Not just because I was ready to smack someone upside the head because we only had 40 some yards of total offense in the first half. It was the first time in 20 years I've watched that game without my mom. It was our "thing" I guess you could say. When I spoke at her funeral....I asked her to look out for Colt and the boys this year. I was reminded Saturday that after the way they played and how things turned out in the end....Mom was probably somewhere up there trying to pull this one out of the tank for me. Hard to believe we are this far along in the season and still undefeated the way we are playing. Our offense is pretty ummm offensive!! I spent a great deal of time pacing like a caged cat Saturday...which I'm told I do often when I don't want to really deal with things. I guess I have a poker tell after all Heart!

Saturday evening, I was asked to go with a friend to see Gabe Garcia (Runner-up in Nashville Stars) perform in the area. A friend of her's was playing in his band and she had said she would go and wanted a friend to tag along. At first, it sounded like a lot of fun. I eagerly agreed to go. As the day wore on and I had time to really think about the audience this would attract (young Hispanic men) I started to get anxious and apprehensive. I even at one point started to back out (okay, I did back out). I was tired, had a headache and didn't want to deal with that anxiety on top of all that. Then, I thought about it and decided I can't keep running from ghosts and demons. So, as Barbaro's Angel likes to say...I put my big girl panties on and dealt with it. I went and even though I had my BFF and my hubster....I was still feeling very much like that caged cat. I watched the crowd like a hawk, never ventured far from the people I knew, and even then had enough anxiety to make me really question how I would ever really be able to be a part of life any more and "fit in". Which brings me to a whole new topic....my anxiety about being in a new office - OY VEY!

So, as I have been applying for new jobs, it has come to my attention on more than one occassion, I have massive amounts of anxiety, frustration, self-doubt, you name it - going on about working with a bunch of people I don't know. I get why it is...I truly understand it but, I don't know how to overcome it. I mean...seriously, I can't hide out in my house forever and only venture out when I'm with someone I have TOTAL trust in is with me...right?? Yes, that's a very serious question. I guess I really teeter back and forth with being a true agoraphobic. Hmmm, how much my life has changed. Which really saddens me. I USED to be fearless....I could go anywhere, be in any crowd and be confident I could hold my own. Not so much any more. I don't like to travel alone...and even hesitate to travel with people I know. I never do really feel "safe". I sleep with a light on and the TV on just to drowned out all the little noises you hear at night and even then, my sleeping is restless at best. Which leads me to question, will I EVER be back to "normal" or will my definition of "normal" forever be altered. I know that is a question I already have the answer to - it will always be altered and I have to find a way to live in my new "normal" realm. I'm sure someday it will get better. At some point, I will wake up and realize that I'm able to travel and not feel all that anxiety and doubt. Wow, I didn't realize just how much even talking about this causes me to be uncomfortable. What happens if this only gets worse and there comes a point where I really can't enjoy life because I can't leave my own self-inflicted prison?

On top of that...I'm a "single" mom this week. It is a crazy hectic week for the kids too with it being homecoming, end of the 9 week grading period, middle of the week track meet, ROTC field trip...should I go on? Keeping up with all of that is a breeze compared to the fact that being here alone at night makes all that "stuff" I'm feeling right now so much worse. I have way too much time to think. Especially when I already spend my time counting down the hours until my family is home again. I admit it, I'm wondering if I'm starting to lose my mind and all the stress is finally getting to me.

To avoid so much time alone this week, a friend asked me to help her do mock interviews with her high school class. I've spent 2 days talking to kids who range in age from 15-18. I'm thankful she asked and happy I took her up on it since it gave me something to focus on to help pass the time and lessen the heartbreak I'm feeling about all the loss around me...the loss of mom...the loss of my work...loss of my identity....you know...the usual subjects. I learned a couple of things from this experience and you know me...I love to share :)

First, I learned something about the majority of the youth...at least at this high school....but across our country I suspect....have lost hope. They feel destined to be who others want them to be. I heard several times....I'm going to work with my "brother", "father", "mother" because it is what is expected of them. They have no choice in their future. Their families have decided it for them. They feel stuck in this small town bubble and can't get out. It is disheartening to see them give up on themselves because everyone around them has already. I met one boy...very nice kid...young and hispanic and I didn't totally freak out *YEAH ME!*....and he broke my heart. He has been labeled a "special ed" kid but, when I talked to him, I didn't see that. He told me the job he was applying for was to work in an oil field as a driller. I asked him what experience he had and why. He quickly spouted the party line I'm certain he has heard a million times in his home...because it is what your father, cousin, uncle, brother, etc do....it is what your family does and is expected of you. I asked him if it was what he wanted to do and he just shrugged his shoulders. Later during the interview, which he was obviously uncomfortable doing, I asked him what his dream job would be. He said "jet engine mechanic/engineer". His face lit up when I told him he should do that if it was his dream. He should chase it. I went on to tell him that I know someone who works at Boeing and that he used to work on jet engines for another company. His total demeanor turned around and he was actually relaxed and enjoying the interview process. Someone took the time to listen to what he wanted....I told him to check out some of the area trade schools....like Hallmark College and see if he could get in to one of their programs. I saw him later in the day and instead of being this quiet shy kid that came up to interview and didn't want to talk to the mean scary lady, he smiled at me and said "hi miss"....and yes....a little corner of that frozen heart of mine melted because I knew for even a brief moment, I made him think about the possibilities of escaping his small town bubble. Do I think it will really happen for him....probably not...but for a day...he had a dream and he shared it and someone listened. Maybe if more of us took just a minute to listen we could inspire others to dream....things that make you go hmmmm....

The second thing I learned in this process (which I am completing on Friday)...is that...THIS is what I've always wanted to do when I grew up. I've always wanted to be in a position to work primarily with kids...and to make a difference. Don't worry, I'm not rushing out to get my teacher's certification. Nope....I am SOOOOOO not cut out to be a teacher. But, it has made me dream again and rethink the possibilities of where I want to end up in a job. Maybe I need to go back to my roots and look at juvenile justice...maybe I need to look at being a school counselor and work to help these kids see a way out and follow their dream....maybe I need to stop being so scared and live life...and follow my own dream.....more things that make you say hmmmm....

So now the world knows where Pandora has been....I've been trying to get through the days and nights....trying to embrace the tears that have finally started flowing freely....trying to find a way to put a voice to the fact that I miss my mom so very much and would give most anything to have just a day....just an hour....just a moment....just one more hug. She doesn't even have to like me in that moment...she can be angry or upset...anything....just a moment to hear her voice scolding me for not talking to grandma with the ouji board. Trying to embrace that I'm starting a new chapter in my life and for the first time, I really have to figure out who it is I WANT to be and not who I feel the need to be. I'm not on solid footing by any means....and I know it....and I know some of you out there are truly worried if I will pull this together. I can't make promises but, I do know that I'm really trying. I guess what they say is true....nothing in life worth having comes free (or easy).

XoXo
Wandering aimlessly
Pandora

Something I've never Done

So tonight....I'm going to do something I've never done on my blog. I am going to share a news story that I found waiting for me in my email box....for obvious reasons, I'm going to put it out there. If YOU live in the districts of these legislators, I hope you remember this story at election time....I know I ABSOLUTELY will!!! The content below is from a website -

http://celluloidblonde.wordpress.com/2009/10/08/meet-the-senators-who-voted-pro-gang-rape/

celluloid blonde

the sometimes suspect musings of max adams

Twenty year old American Jamie Leigh Jones was drugged and gang-raped by KBR co-workers in Iraq. [That attack was so violent, her breasts are permanently disfigured.] After her attack she was locked in a shipping container without food or water, and after release warned not to leave her post. Jamie was a long way from anywhere with no help in sight. She stuck it out. [Jones is not an isolated case.] And, after Jamie made it back to U.S. soil, where there should have been help in sight, she was prevented from bringing charges in court. Her KBR contract stipulated sexual assault allegations could not be made in court. Sexual assault allegations could only be heard in arbitration.

In response to abuses of the “arbitration” contract clause used by military contractors like KBR, Senator Al Franken (D-MN) recently proposed an amendment to the 2010 Defense Appropriations bill that would withhold defense contracts from companies that contractually block employees from taking workplace sexual assault and battery cases to court. The Amendment passed. You would think something like this would pass unanimously too. Surely our Senators in Congress do not want to employ and protect companies that sanction gang rape? But it did not pass unanimously.

Thirty Senators voted against the Franken amendment. They all have four things in common. They are all Republicans. They are all white. They are all male. And judging by their votes, they all think gang rape is just a little horseplay among friends. Here are their names. And if you didn’t vote McCain/Palin be glad. McCain is on the list.

Alexander (R-TN)
Barrasso (R-WY)
Bond (R-MO)
Brownback (R-KS)
Bunning (R-KY)
Burr (R-NC)
Chambliss (R-GA)
Coburn (R-OK)
Cochran (R-MS)
Corker (R-TN)
Cornyn (R-TX)
Crapo (R-ID)
DeMint (R-SC)
Ensign (R-NV)
Enzi (R-WY)
Graham (R-SC)
Gregg (R-NH)
Inhofe (R-OK)
Isakson (R-GA)
Johanns (R-NE)
Kyl (R-AZ)
McCain (R-AZ)
McConnell (R-KY)
Risch (R-ID)
Roberts (R-KS)
Sessions (R-AL)
Shelby (R-AL)
Thune (R-SD)
Vitter (R-LA)
Wicker (R-MS)

The U.S. Chamber of Commerce lobbied against the Franken amendment as well. I guess being opposed to co-worker gang rape is not good for business?

Okay....I remember all the smack that was talked about Al Franken being elected and the people who literally joked about a comedian being bad for US politics....I would be PROUD to call Al Franken my representative....instead...I have the idiot John Cornyn who voted against this amendment. Yes, I intend to write Cornyn and let him know that I will actively campaign against him in the next election and any subsequent elections that he is involved in. I'm glad to know this is still a F#$&%^ed up backwoods state...and people wonder why I want to leave. For those of you who will tell me this is just partisan politics as usual and I don't have all the facts...well...here is the bill...see for yourself...

http://www.opencongress.org/bill/111-h3326/show#bill_list

and here is the amendment that Franken submitted

http://www.karlbayer.com/blog/?p=5789

This isn't about defense contracts going to halliburton because that is who KBG is really. This is about simple right from wrong. Yes, this strikes too close to home...and you bet your ass I'm passionate about this. Some of these same people who voted to pass the Appropriations bill voted AGAINST this specific amendment to that bill. So again, I hope you will make note if these people are in your district and you vote their ass out of office.

A Pissed off Pandora

Fear of Failure...

Okay, I know most of you who read this will tell me I am absolutely nuts but...I have found myself in the last few days questioning my abilities....as a mother, as a daughter, as a professional. I'm trying very hard not to let that fear paralyze me but, at moments it is breath taking. I hear some of the things that are said to me...and I read some of the things people write.....I talk to my co-workers...and everyone tells me I am probably one of the most put together people they know and that I can conquer anything life has to throw at me. So...the question is...why can't I see that in myself? I have done a great deal of thinking...that's what happens when your brain never turns off....ever. I have come to the realization that my biggest fear isn't the unknown...it is being a failure...disappointing the people around me...not living up to everyone else's expectations let alone my own. I think I am very much like other people and set standards for myself that are much higher than what I expect of others. I think that is going to be one of the biggest challenges/obstacles I will face in the coming weeks as I start to branch out into the world and take on new challenges and start to redefine who I am...overcoming that fear of just not being enough...that fear of being a complete failure. You have to know that in those quite moments late at night in the dark I question myself and ask what the hell was I thinking leaving my job in this economy...what happens if I can't find a new job?!? I don't want to think that "Do you want fries with that?" is in my future. I should be reassured that I was released from my job yesterday morning and had an interview yesterday afternoon. But, I'm really not...because that brings on a whole new set of worries....what will I miss out on with the kids? Will I still be able to enjoy every minute of their childhood? I've always said my first job is their mother...everything else is secondary. I know this is a challenge millions of parents face every day but, this is something I will wrestle with and try to find the answer that is right for me. You guys all tell me it is so cool that I can think 3-4 steps ahead and I run scenarios in my head constantly....I can tell you this is 1 time I wish I didn't. I just wish the noise would stop for just a day or two and let me just be....not be in constant crisis control mode. I'm beginning to wonder if I will ever feel that way or if I will always look for the crisis.

Trying to find my happy place
Pandora

What Kind of Parents Are We??

So, I was having a conversation with a friend yesterday about kids....and he made mention of a bumper sticker he saw that really made me think about how we raise our kids. The bumper sticker had all the Disney Princesses and said something to the effect of "We wonder why women have such unrealistic views on men". That really stuck with me....it is true....we do set our children up to be disappointed. Not just the little girls who dream of their Knight in Shining Armor but, the little boys as well because we teach them that the girl always needs him to ride in on his white horse and save her. How many of the fairy tales show them as equal partners or have her saving him? I can't really think of 1 off the top of my head. I know we want our kids to dream and look for their happily ever after but, we need to encourage them that we aren't cookie cutter people and that the happily ever after looks different for everyone. And we don't just stop there.....

We encourage our kids to play games....and we've all played them ourselves as kids....like monopoly. Have you ever really though about what that game emphasizes? Well, I have the last few days as I've watched my kids going through a monopoly craze. We teach them that money is what fixes it all. If you have money....you can go out...buy whatever you want....build whatever you want...and take the money of the other people around you to get ahead and win the game. Okay, maybe I'm looking a little too deeply because I'm in such a deep dark place in my head the last few days. But, is a game just really a game or do we unintentionally teach our children things that we shouldn't and don't even stop to think about it. Sticking with the monopoly theme here....in this new day and age it is even worse. Now we have monopoly with credit cards and electronic banking. Then we wonder why no one has a sense of responsible spending? We give our children credit cards!!!

Am I a perfect parent, by no means. I don't know if before yesterday, I really though all of that through. I guess every little girl wants to grow up thinking that fairytales do exist....and in reality they do....just not the way books define them. My fairy tale happy ending is 30 years from now...I look back on my life....and I see the legacy I left behind when I have 3 strong, happy, healthy grown children who are blazing their way through life...doing the right things, making the right choices, loving their spouse and children as I do mine, and having the right priorities in life....yes...that's my happily ever after.

A somber Pandora

XoXo

Football...Cooler Weather...Welcome Fall!

It has been a weekend filled with football and cooler weather which makes you realize fall is finally really here. I enjoyed the first Friday football game that felt like it was really football season. It didn't help that we kicked some Coyote ass this weekend either. Then there was the Texas vs Colorado game. I admit...I was a little nervous as flat as they played the first half and if we start that way next week against OWHO...we may be in some serious trouble. I was hoping that Baylor would remind Sam Bradford that he doesn't really want to come back and play in the college ranks and risk that *gag*promising career in the pros. No dice. Baylor did hang with them for some time even if the final score didn't reflect that. A good hearty Shout Out to Mouse's Air Force Falcons...it was a great game against the horned frogs....better luck next time.

Then there are all the games from today. Ughhhh....I've not had a very good football day. The damn Chiefs gave me hope against the Cowgirls when they pushed it to overtime. I couldn't believe they won the toss on their home field and still couldn't finish the damn game. I knew going in that an 0fer team would struggle against Dallas and they should have walked away with this game. I was really stunned when Dallas struggled so much. Then the damn niners choked and couldn't take the falcons. The Broncos took down the Pats so Barbaro's girl is happy. The Giants won...another great thing! Now watching the Colts struggle to beat the crap out of the Titans...normally I would be a huge Titan fan but...until they bench Collins I am going to hope this losing streak continues.

It is going to be a very interesting week. I'm really not sure what to do with myself still. I hope that I can start to find some closure. But, I'm not going to think about that tonight...nope....it is the weekend and that means at least until tomorrow night I can still get lost in FOOTBALL!!

It's a Dog Eat Dog World??

"The vet did WHAT down there?!?"

Does no one respect loyalty, ethics and integrity any longer? The last few days....weeks....have really made me question some of the things I truly believed in....some of the things that are the tenants of my foundation. My issues with work haven't been a real secret. I blog about it enough I might as well change the name of my blog to some quirky spin on "Days of our Lives". But, today, I think it all really hit home for me. Today was a huge rollercoaster. It was bad enough last week when people who I have relationships with outside of the office, people who call my home....questioned my professional ethics. Anyone who knows me professionally knows, my professionalism is one of the things I pride myself on the most. During that call on Tuesday...when I thought I would know my future and could grab hold of it with both hands one way or the other...I was very disappointed that the loyalty I've shown to this organization...these people....wasn't repaid. I can't tell you the number of times this week I've heard..."It's just business." Now while I agree sometimes it is just business....you don't spend 9 years of blood, sweat, tears in an organization....especially one in the human services industry...and not bond with people and develop confidants and friends. While I can understand on some level it has to be just business...was it just business when I was putting in 60-70 hours a week and not getting paid? No. Was it just business when I had to listen to my daughter pitch for the first time on the cell phone because no one else would take the meeting and I was stuck in Lubbock? No. If you've ever been to Lubbock...you know you want to be anywhere but there! Mac Davis had it soooooo very right...Happiness is Lubbock, Texas in your rearview mirror. Anyway....my point here is...even if it were simply just business there is a moral and ethical code that we as professionals should ascribe to and believe in. These are the simple things we learn in gradeschool...treat others as you want to be treated....if you don't have something nice to say...always tell the truth....I think this is a bigger reflection of what got us in to trouble with Wall Street....we stopped living by those tenants and started ascribing to "It's just business". For the man who is laid off in Detroit because GM is shutting the plant but the CEO who mismanaged the company for year is still getting his big fat bonus...what do we hear..."It's just business." That doesn't put food in the employees kids bellies. But that fat cat CEO is off on some private island somewhere with his 20 something mistress and his big fat hairy white belly hanging over his speedo smoking his stogey all the while laughing all the way to the bank. That brings me back to my own situation. I still want to believe people even business people will do the right thing when given the opportunity. I want to have faith that justice does prevail and when the day is done I know that even if I wasn't shown the courtesy, compassion or respect I deserved...I personal did the right thing. I lived up to my word...I looked out for the greater good....and to me...that is the true business of life.... Just another senseless rant from a tired Pandora xoxo

Digging Out

Okay, I will NOT complain about being bored any more!!! Things have been quite the mess the last week or so after all hell broke loose at work and with ummmm how should I say "other issues" - you all know what I'm REALLY talking about *wink*. I'm still supposed to be on "vacation" while they contemplate my future. Hmmmm 9 people who are all pretty new to the situation get to decide what to do about me....not very comforting.

So....instead of having that time off....I detailed for them a list the things that they assigned to me since just yesterday to do on my day off. I will never get them done. I'm supposed to "delegate" but, when I do....none of them know the information so I end up having to provide them with the information so I might as well just do it myself. Ah, the joys of chaos.

So I apologize for not being more in tune and accessible the last few days because I just haven't felt like being social with all the other stuff going on and feel like retreating to my cave.....oh well....someday...

xoxo

Pandora

Can Ya tell I'm bored yet?!?

Okay....this will be my 3rd post today...yes, I'm bored!!!

Earlier in the week, I took the opportunity to brag out my Mouse and her commitment to finish what she started. Well, now I get to do the same with her sister Barbaro's Angel....she was honored at the commanders call this week with recognition as cadet airman basic of the month for her flight in JROTC. I couldn't be more proud of her!!! I never saw her as the JROTC type really and the fact she has embraced this and is looking forward to a future leadership position within the JROTC in the school years to come tells me we did something right as parents somewhere along the way.

Since I'm on the topic of my kids....I'm also very proud of them because as 6 week progress reports come out today...they all have straight A's which some people told them were impossible being in pre-ap and ap classes. I tried to tell them we weren't the "typical" homeschoolers. I am a very happy mom today :)

Foot in the Mouth Moment of the Day

Okay....today is supposed to be a day off for me...like yesterday and Wednesday but, it hasn't really been that much of a day off. I had to do a conference call this morning w/ my "new" boss and an organizer to try to smooth out some disagreements. Normally we use a conference calling service but, the organizer wanted us to just call him directly. So, I had to learn how to do a 3-way call on my phone...see where this is headed yet?? When time came to make the call, I dialed my bosses number and told him to hold on I had to conference in the other gentleman. So when you go to dial the second party, it automatically puts the first on hold...or this moment would have been even worse. So I dialed the second gentleman and told him, "Hold on I'm doing a 3 way" and no sooner than the words left my mouth and I knew I had firmly stuck my foot in it! He started cracking up and I said, "oh that sounded as bad as I thought." Needless to say it was a good ice breaker for the tension between our two groups. He is still laughing about our 3-way....and yes, I'm still blushing!

Laughing all the way to the bank
XOXO
Pandora

Decisions Decisions

So, it is another new day. I'm not feeling as optimistic about things today. Nothing really new has happened or changed things, it is just another day. I have found myself waffling about things and I decided I needed to sit down and really think about what I want before I act on anything. I know that some of you are really scratching your heads about why I would want to continue to associate with my current work. I've invested so much of myself in that organization it is hard to just walk away knowing they have great potential under the new leadership and with the new projects on the horizon. I just can't stay until they figure it all out and find the money to pay me. It is a true conundrum. I think I have come up with a proposal that is mutually beneficial to them as well as myself. I want to walk away with no regrets and if I just jump ship and don't put them on a path to success, I will always regret that. Also, if I walk away and all the potential funding projects I have put together in the last few months with little to no assistance come in to being and I departed just before that happened, I will be kicking myself for some time to come and full of regret. So, I'm trying to do a win-win situational agreement with them. I know some of you feel it is me caving to their pressure and losing my resolve and I really don't see it that way. I see it as me finally doing what is in my best interest. I'm having my cake by walking away now....and eating it too by maintaining a working relationship that I can go back to on my terms and no one else's. If nothing changes at work, then I'm not out anything except the hope that they would turn things around. This is a very tough decision and I want to finally put me first and I see this as the best way to do that.

So now, the waiting game begins. We will see just how valuable I am to them I guess.....

Just another day in paradise

Okay....so much for my time off! After yet another emergency board meeting, I spent my day trying to do damage control and put out fires. Yeah me! I did something yesterday that I rarely do. I stood up for myself. I've always found it easier to stand up for everyone else but, have great difficulty when it comes to doing that same thing for me. I told work I would really like out of my agreement with them. Wow, did I really just virtually quit my job?!? What was I thinking...I'm flying without a net. While a part of that is exciting because it really means a whole new beginning for me, a part of me is profoundly sad. It really hit me today when my new boss of less than 24 hours told me he thought we could transition all of the organizational and operational things to his office until they get back on their feet. I knew that would happen but, I never really thought about it like that. They have already been asking me to come back...to not go....to think about it and make sure this isn't an emotional decision or one made out of frustration and it really isn't. This is going to be much harder than I would like for it to be. I've spent 9 years working with these people and I've invested a great deal of myself and my family in this organization. It was never just a job. But, this is no longer the place I need to be because they can't seem to change and without that, I can't continue to function in constant crisis management mode. So, I'm throwing something out to everyone....feel free to provide me with your honest feedback...What do you think? Should I take the money and run? Or....should I take the money and then volunteer to stay on as their point person limiting them to 10 hours per week until they get back on their feet and can pay a person to do this job...then maybe I can reconsider after some much needed separation from them but only if they function as a board and not as a dysfunctional family.

Pondering the unknown...

xOxO
Pandora

The Second Day of the Rest of my life

Okay....so during a conversation yesterday, I was lamenting how I feel very lost right now and my internal GPS system doesn't seem to be working. I was going on about how for the first time yesterday, I was hit with the true reality of my situation...or at least my situation as I see it. I was given a week off yesterday and while most people would jump at that...I wasn't all that thrilled. For the first time since my mom passed away, I had no real distractions. And then reality hit like a ton of bricks. In the last two months...I went from having a full-time job as mom/homeschool teacher, a full-time job as caretaker for an inferm parent, and a steady source of income from a full-time job that on most days I really liked what I was doing (just not all the politics and grant writing). I feel very much unemployed. I don't know what to do with myself because for so long all those things have defined who I am. So, I was trying to share that sentiment with the people around me. I had several various conversations looking for someone to have just the right words to help me grasp what I was feeling. In one conversation I made a joke and said, "If I were a man, I'd find a 20 year old bimbo and buy a corvette." The response I got was, "If I were a man, I'd buy a corvette too." Considering he is a man....didn't really help much but, what did I expect. He has always been certain about who he is. It is very clear cut for him and black and white because unlike me that is the world he lives in...damn...me and my shades of gray. I talked to someone else about this feeling of uncertainty about my own identity and I really felt like she understood more of where I was coming from. She reminded me again that my kids will always need me because I am "mom" and no matter how old they get or how many miles separate us, I will always be "mom" above anything else. Okay, so I know that part of my identity is safe and sound. I am moving toward acceptance that how they need me is changing and it is good for us all. It is what I have spent the last 14 years doing...preparing them for these moments in their life where they are the ones guiding their futures and making their decisions. Now, I have to sit back and let them spread their wings a little and know that I've given them what they need to fly. Whew! That's a relief. I'm still mom....but what about the rest? As I said in a previous post, I don't know how not to be the caretaker for my mom. It has defined me and my life for so long. I based a number of life decisions on being able to take care of mom. I'm not resentful or angry. It just means now that she isn't here, I don't know what to do with my time. When I finished the last few things at work yesterday and began my week off, I was totally lost. I tried to turn on that internal GPS and figure out where do I go from here and it kept wanting to reroute me and send me to mom's. There is no "mom's" any longer. Her house is being lived in by someone else now and her things are gone and the last 38 years as I have known them vanished in the blink of an eye. I was almost swallowed by the profound sadness I suddenly felt. So, I took a breath and tried to figure out, "where do I go from here?" I was amazed at how much of my identity and value I have turned over to other people and other factors in my life. I tried to regroup and focus on the challenges I face in my career...again, you know those from yesterday's post. I sat at my computer scrolling through various job boards and I realized...for the first time in my life....my career opportunities weren't limited by making myself available for being a caretaker for mom...or for being a "mom" myself. I took the other jobs I've had in the past because they provided me with the flexibility to be all those things and now that the slate is clean, I finally have to figure out, "what do I want to be when I grow up?" I don't think most people really have that issue at 38 but, well, I'm not most people. I envy Barbaro's angel for this...she is so clear on what she wants out of her life and has mapped her course, set her GPS and I don't see anything derailing that dream. She doesn't feel the "mom" bug like I do. She is able to distance herself from the emotional bonds and while some ways that makes me sad, it also make me happy that she is comfortable that way and is following her own path. So, back to my story, I don't know what I want to be when I grow up. The possibilities seem endless and quite overwhelming at times. It goes back to that fear of the unknown. It is hard to leave a job I've been at for so long and to start all over somewhere new. Since Atlanta, I'm not keen on being around people I don't know well and that plays a huge role in my insecurity for lack of a better word. So, I was trying to relay all this to someone else and something he said really struck me. He said I needed to "figure out who I want to be". Wow, for the first time in a very long time, that decision really is up to me. That is a daunting thing. I made some smartass remark about what the hell did he think I was trying to do and he followed that up with the quip, "Welcome to the first day of the rest of your life." In that moment, it hit me. The life I had just a few short months ago is gone. Again, like after the assault, I'm at a crossroads of defining who I am as a person. If you scroll to the bottom of the page and read the Jodie Foster quote, you will understand why I really like it now. So, today is the second day of the rest of my life...and today, I feel like I have started on a new path, a new journey filled with a little optimistic hope and excitement of not knowing just where I will end up and where life will take me. I want to grab hold of that optimism and not let go for a little while. I have to or I will get lost in all of the loss I'm facing at the moment. I keep telling myself all those coloquial sayings like, "Everything happens for a reason,""When one door closes another opens,""It is always darkest before the dawn." So put on your seatbelts, buckle up tight, grab the "oh shit" bar and hold on for the ride of my life!

XoXo
Pandora

Can a job be like family?

Okay, as most of you know I work for a non-profit...and when they say "non" they mean it. With the current economy, many businesses, both profit and non-profit are struggling to stay afloat and ours is no different. So, I am in a bit of a dilemma. I have been with this group for 9 years and in a lot of respects working for a non-profit is at times like dealing with your family. You have close knit relationships with the people you work with - you have to because you usually share a passion about something. When I took this job, I did it for many reasons. I really like the flexibility of having a home office. I am a bleeding heart liberal so I'm told so the fact that I am doing something that is in advocacy and outreach is in my nature. I have always leaned toward jobs in the social service sector. I also really liked the majority of the people I was working with. But, as with all things...life happens. In just the past 3 years, a great deal has happened to the group I work for and to myself in the context of my job. I am at a crossroads and I'm not really sure the right direction to go but, I am at a juncture in my life where indecision is far worse than just picking a path and following it. So, I've tried to make a list and compare the pro's and con's of staying. I'm finding out even that isn't as easy as it sounds. We have a board that isn't truly engaged since this isn't their "day" job. My program that I built in the last 9 years was basically stolen out from under us by our funder. We have leadership that fluctuates every two years...so I'm in a constant position of having to retrain our board on the nuances of being on a non-profit board that actually has to work. The majority of the "action" items get dumped on me either by assignment or default because people who take them on don't follow through and actually do their job. There is NO accountability and that perhaps is my biggest issue since I'm such a stickler for accountability. I'm charged with running an organization but, given very limited authority to do it and that is no longer functionally operational. All of these organizational things don't take in to account my own personal biases at this point. I'm not sure I will ever be able to forgive so to speak our board for how they handled my assault situation. When I went to them privately and asked for a volunteer to be removed, they named me publicly and it took me having to threaten to sue them for them to take me serious about the hostile working environment that I was being forced to deal with. They showed more loyalty to my assailant than they did to me...their paid employee of at the time almost 6 years. As much as I've tried to move past it and our leadership has had turnover since then, it is still the sum of how the group treats me by and large. I know that no work environment is absolutely perfect but, there has to be some sense of loyalty somewhere right?
Having said all that, I also have to weigh the other side of all this. If I leave, I will be giving up 9 years of sweat and tears. I have been told on more than 1 occasion that I am the heart and soul of the group and if I leave they will disband. That is a lot of pressure for 1 person to carry. I don't know that I want to have to start over at a new job and earn my seniority again. Plus, this isn't the best job market to be unemployed in. 6 unemployed people to every 1 job opening...YIKES! I haven't even mentioned yet that they don't have sustainable funding streams and have only enough operating budget to go through February. I trusted them to hold things together and not drop the ball while I was dealing with my mom's health the last few weeks. I turned over control of major projects, which is hard enough for me to do, and people let me down and not only dropped the ball but kicked it clean out of the stadium where I can't get it back. That is a total drain on what energy I had left. However, we do have some very large prospects on the horizon that could provide us sustainable funding for some time to come. Do I want to gamble mine and my families future on a group that up to this point hasn't been able to deliver on a single thing they promised me?

So...I sit here pondering...should I stay or should I go? The million dollar question I guess. I've been told that with the loss of my mom this could just be a knee jerk reaction and I shouldn't make this decision until I'm more emotionally settled with things. But, I don't feel I have the time to wait around for that to happen. It will be very much like leaving my family. I can see similarities with the people I work with and the dynamics there compared to my role in my extended family. Not sure either of those relationships are exactly healthy for me. Why can't life ever just be simple? I see a lot of gray when it comes to life but, I am ready for some black and white for a change. I wish I knew the right turn at the crossroads I'm at.

A perplexed Pandora

XoxO