Where's Pandora?

Okay, so I was asked today why I haven't blogged in a while. I made up a million and one reasons why I haven't but, the truth is, when I write, I get emotional. Things I'm not really ready to say out loud some how end up flying off my fingertips and opening up doors that I'm not really sure I'm ready to open. It has been a very odd week. I'm feeling very lost...in my own head....in my own home....in my own life. So...this particular blog is going to try to tell everyone just where I've been....

I noticed I haven't blogged in ummm....a while. I can't believe I didn't come here to show my pride in being a longhorn and the fact that we beat owhou. Saturday's game was very tough for me to watch. Not just because I was ready to smack someone upside the head because we only had 40 some yards of total offense in the first half. It was the first time in 20 years I've watched that game without my mom. It was our "thing" I guess you could say. When I spoke at her funeral....I asked her to look out for Colt and the boys this year. I was reminded Saturday that after the way they played and how things turned out in the end....Mom was probably somewhere up there trying to pull this one out of the tank for me. Hard to believe we are this far along in the season and still undefeated the way we are playing. Our offense is pretty ummm offensive!! I spent a great deal of time pacing like a caged cat Saturday...which I'm told I do often when I don't want to really deal with things. I guess I have a poker tell after all Heart!

Saturday evening, I was asked to go with a friend to see Gabe Garcia (Runner-up in Nashville Stars) perform in the area. A friend of her's was playing in his band and she had said she would go and wanted a friend to tag along. At first, it sounded like a lot of fun. I eagerly agreed to go. As the day wore on and I had time to really think about the audience this would attract (young Hispanic men) I started to get anxious and apprehensive. I even at one point started to back out (okay, I did back out). I was tired, had a headache and didn't want to deal with that anxiety on top of all that. Then, I thought about it and decided I can't keep running from ghosts and demons. So, as Barbaro's Angel likes to say...I put my big girl panties on and dealt with it. I went and even though I had my BFF and my hubster....I was still feeling very much like that caged cat. I watched the crowd like a hawk, never ventured far from the people I knew, and even then had enough anxiety to make me really question how I would ever really be able to be a part of life any more and "fit in". Which brings me to a whole new topic....my anxiety about being in a new office - OY VEY!

So, as I have been applying for new jobs, it has come to my attention on more than one occassion, I have massive amounts of anxiety, frustration, self-doubt, you name it - going on about working with a bunch of people I don't know. I get why it is...I truly understand it but, I don't know how to overcome it. I mean...seriously, I can't hide out in my house forever and only venture out when I'm with someone I have TOTAL trust in is with me...right?? Yes, that's a very serious question. I guess I really teeter back and forth with being a true agoraphobic. Hmmm, how much my life has changed. Which really saddens me. I USED to be fearless....I could go anywhere, be in any crowd and be confident I could hold my own. Not so much any more. I don't like to travel alone...and even hesitate to travel with people I know. I never do really feel "safe". I sleep with a light on and the TV on just to drowned out all the little noises you hear at night and even then, my sleeping is restless at best. Which leads me to question, will I EVER be back to "normal" or will my definition of "normal" forever be altered. I know that is a question I already have the answer to - it will always be altered and I have to find a way to live in my new "normal" realm. I'm sure someday it will get better. At some point, I will wake up and realize that I'm able to travel and not feel all that anxiety and doubt. Wow, I didn't realize just how much even talking about this causes me to be uncomfortable. What happens if this only gets worse and there comes a point where I really can't enjoy life because I can't leave my own self-inflicted prison?

On top of that...I'm a "single" mom this week. It is a crazy hectic week for the kids too with it being homecoming, end of the 9 week grading period, middle of the week track meet, ROTC field trip...should I go on? Keeping up with all of that is a breeze compared to the fact that being here alone at night makes all that "stuff" I'm feeling right now so much worse. I have way too much time to think. Especially when I already spend my time counting down the hours until my family is home again. I admit it, I'm wondering if I'm starting to lose my mind and all the stress is finally getting to me.

To avoid so much time alone this week, a friend asked me to help her do mock interviews with her high school class. I've spent 2 days talking to kids who range in age from 15-18. I'm thankful she asked and happy I took her up on it since it gave me something to focus on to help pass the time and lessen the heartbreak I'm feeling about all the loss around me...the loss of mom...the loss of my work...loss of my identity....you know...the usual subjects. I learned a couple of things from this experience and you know me...I love to share :)

First, I learned something about the majority of the youth...at least at this high school....but across our country I suspect....have lost hope. They feel destined to be who others want them to be. I heard several times....I'm going to work with my "brother", "father", "mother" because it is what is expected of them. They have no choice in their future. Their families have decided it for them. They feel stuck in this small town bubble and can't get out. It is disheartening to see them give up on themselves because everyone around them has already. I met one boy...very nice kid...young and hispanic and I didn't totally freak out *YEAH ME!*....and he broke my heart. He has been labeled a "special ed" kid but, when I talked to him, I didn't see that. He told me the job he was applying for was to work in an oil field as a driller. I asked him what experience he had and why. He quickly spouted the party line I'm certain he has heard a million times in his home...because it is what your father, cousin, uncle, brother, etc do....it is what your family does and is expected of you. I asked him if it was what he wanted to do and he just shrugged his shoulders. Later during the interview, which he was obviously uncomfortable doing, I asked him what his dream job would be. He said "jet engine mechanic/engineer". His face lit up when I told him he should do that if it was his dream. He should chase it. I went on to tell him that I know someone who works at Boeing and that he used to work on jet engines for another company. His total demeanor turned around and he was actually relaxed and enjoying the interview process. Someone took the time to listen to what he wanted....I told him to check out some of the area trade schools....like Hallmark College and see if he could get in to one of their programs. I saw him later in the day and instead of being this quiet shy kid that came up to interview and didn't want to talk to the mean scary lady, he smiled at me and said "hi miss"....and yes....a little corner of that frozen heart of mine melted because I knew for even a brief moment, I made him think about the possibilities of escaping his small town bubble. Do I think it will really happen for him....probably not...but for a day...he had a dream and he shared it and someone listened. Maybe if more of us took just a minute to listen we could inspire others to dream....things that make you go hmmmm....

The second thing I learned in this process (which I am completing on Friday)...is that...THIS is what I've always wanted to do when I grew up. I've always wanted to be in a position to work primarily with kids...and to make a difference. Don't worry, I'm not rushing out to get my teacher's certification. Nope....I am SOOOOOO not cut out to be a teacher. But, it has made me dream again and rethink the possibilities of where I want to end up in a job. Maybe I need to go back to my roots and look at juvenile justice...maybe I need to look at being a school counselor and work to help these kids see a way out and follow their dream....maybe I need to stop being so scared and live life...and follow my own dream.....more things that make you say hmmmm....

So now the world knows where Pandora has been....I've been trying to get through the days and nights....trying to embrace the tears that have finally started flowing freely....trying to find a way to put a voice to the fact that I miss my mom so very much and would give most anything to have just a day....just an hour....just a moment....just one more hug. She doesn't even have to like me in that moment...she can be angry or upset...anything....just a moment to hear her voice scolding me for not talking to grandma with the ouji board. Trying to embrace that I'm starting a new chapter in my life and for the first time, I really have to figure out who it is I WANT to be and not who I feel the need to be. I'm not on solid footing by any means....and I know it....and I know some of you out there are truly worried if I will pull this together. I can't make promises but, I do know that I'm really trying. I guess what they say is true....nothing in life worth having comes free (or easy).

XoXo
Wandering aimlessly
Pandora

Something I've never Done

So tonight....I'm going to do something I've never done on my blog. I am going to share a news story that I found waiting for me in my email box....for obvious reasons, I'm going to put it out there. If YOU live in the districts of these legislators, I hope you remember this story at election time....I know I ABSOLUTELY will!!! The content below is from a website -

http://celluloidblonde.wordpress.com/2009/10/08/meet-the-senators-who-voted-pro-gang-rape/

celluloid blonde

the sometimes suspect musings of max adams

Twenty year old American Jamie Leigh Jones was drugged and gang-raped by KBR co-workers in Iraq. [That attack was so violent, her breasts are permanently disfigured.] After her attack she was locked in a shipping container without food or water, and after release warned not to leave her post. Jamie was a long way from anywhere with no help in sight. She stuck it out. [Jones is not an isolated case.] And, after Jamie made it back to U.S. soil, where there should have been help in sight, she was prevented from bringing charges in court. Her KBR contract stipulated sexual assault allegations could not be made in court. Sexual assault allegations could only be heard in arbitration.

In response to abuses of the “arbitration” contract clause used by military contractors like KBR, Senator Al Franken (D-MN) recently proposed an amendment to the 2010 Defense Appropriations bill that would withhold defense contracts from companies that contractually block employees from taking workplace sexual assault and battery cases to court. The Amendment passed. You would think something like this would pass unanimously too. Surely our Senators in Congress do not want to employ and protect companies that sanction gang rape? But it did not pass unanimously.

Thirty Senators voted against the Franken amendment. They all have four things in common. They are all Republicans. They are all white. They are all male. And judging by their votes, they all think gang rape is just a little horseplay among friends. Here are their names. And if you didn’t vote McCain/Palin be glad. McCain is on the list.

Alexander (R-TN)
Barrasso (R-WY)
Bond (R-MO)
Brownback (R-KS)
Bunning (R-KY)
Burr (R-NC)
Chambliss (R-GA)
Coburn (R-OK)
Cochran (R-MS)
Corker (R-TN)
Cornyn (R-TX)
Crapo (R-ID)
DeMint (R-SC)
Ensign (R-NV)
Enzi (R-WY)
Graham (R-SC)
Gregg (R-NH)
Inhofe (R-OK)
Isakson (R-GA)
Johanns (R-NE)
Kyl (R-AZ)
McCain (R-AZ)
McConnell (R-KY)
Risch (R-ID)
Roberts (R-KS)
Sessions (R-AL)
Shelby (R-AL)
Thune (R-SD)
Vitter (R-LA)
Wicker (R-MS)

The U.S. Chamber of Commerce lobbied against the Franken amendment as well. I guess being opposed to co-worker gang rape is not good for business?

Okay....I remember all the smack that was talked about Al Franken being elected and the people who literally joked about a comedian being bad for US politics....I would be PROUD to call Al Franken my representative....instead...I have the idiot John Cornyn who voted against this amendment. Yes, I intend to write Cornyn and let him know that I will actively campaign against him in the next election and any subsequent elections that he is involved in. I'm glad to know this is still a F#$&%^ed up backwoods state...and people wonder why I want to leave. For those of you who will tell me this is just partisan politics as usual and I don't have all the facts...well...here is the bill...see for yourself...

http://www.opencongress.org/bill/111-h3326/show#bill_list

and here is the amendment that Franken submitted

http://www.karlbayer.com/blog/?p=5789

This isn't about defense contracts going to halliburton because that is who KBG is really. This is about simple right from wrong. Yes, this strikes too close to home...and you bet your ass I'm passionate about this. Some of these same people who voted to pass the Appropriations bill voted AGAINST this specific amendment to that bill. So again, I hope you will make note if these people are in your district and you vote their ass out of office.

A Pissed off Pandora

Fear of Failure...

Okay, I know most of you who read this will tell me I am absolutely nuts but...I have found myself in the last few days questioning my abilities....as a mother, as a daughter, as a professional. I'm trying very hard not to let that fear paralyze me but, at moments it is breath taking. I hear some of the things that are said to me...and I read some of the things people write.....I talk to my co-workers...and everyone tells me I am probably one of the most put together people they know and that I can conquer anything life has to throw at me. So...the question is...why can't I see that in myself? I have done a great deal of thinking...that's what happens when your brain never turns off....ever. I have come to the realization that my biggest fear isn't the unknown...it is being a failure...disappointing the people around me...not living up to everyone else's expectations let alone my own. I think I am very much like other people and set standards for myself that are much higher than what I expect of others. I think that is going to be one of the biggest challenges/obstacles I will face in the coming weeks as I start to branch out into the world and take on new challenges and start to redefine who I am...overcoming that fear of just not being enough...that fear of being a complete failure. You have to know that in those quite moments late at night in the dark I question myself and ask what the hell was I thinking leaving my job in this economy...what happens if I can't find a new job?!? I don't want to think that "Do you want fries with that?" is in my future. I should be reassured that I was released from my job yesterday morning and had an interview yesterday afternoon. But, I'm really not...because that brings on a whole new set of worries....what will I miss out on with the kids? Will I still be able to enjoy every minute of their childhood? I've always said my first job is their mother...everything else is secondary. I know this is a challenge millions of parents face every day but, this is something I will wrestle with and try to find the answer that is right for me. You guys all tell me it is so cool that I can think 3-4 steps ahead and I run scenarios in my head constantly....I can tell you this is 1 time I wish I didn't. I just wish the noise would stop for just a day or two and let me just be....not be in constant crisis control mode. I'm beginning to wonder if I will ever feel that way or if I will always look for the crisis.

Trying to find my happy place
Pandora

What Kind of Parents Are We??

So, I was having a conversation with a friend yesterday about kids....and he made mention of a bumper sticker he saw that really made me think about how we raise our kids. The bumper sticker had all the Disney Princesses and said something to the effect of "We wonder why women have such unrealistic views on men". That really stuck with me....it is true....we do set our children up to be disappointed. Not just the little girls who dream of their Knight in Shining Armor but, the little boys as well because we teach them that the girl always needs him to ride in on his white horse and save her. How many of the fairy tales show them as equal partners or have her saving him? I can't really think of 1 off the top of my head. I know we want our kids to dream and look for their happily ever after but, we need to encourage them that we aren't cookie cutter people and that the happily ever after looks different for everyone. And we don't just stop there.....

We encourage our kids to play games....and we've all played them ourselves as kids....like monopoly. Have you ever really though about what that game emphasizes? Well, I have the last few days as I've watched my kids going through a monopoly craze. We teach them that money is what fixes it all. If you have money....you can go out...buy whatever you want....build whatever you want...and take the money of the other people around you to get ahead and win the game. Okay, maybe I'm looking a little too deeply because I'm in such a deep dark place in my head the last few days. But, is a game just really a game or do we unintentionally teach our children things that we shouldn't and don't even stop to think about it. Sticking with the monopoly theme here....in this new day and age it is even worse. Now we have monopoly with credit cards and electronic banking. Then we wonder why no one has a sense of responsible spending? We give our children credit cards!!!

Am I a perfect parent, by no means. I don't know if before yesterday, I really though all of that through. I guess every little girl wants to grow up thinking that fairytales do exist....and in reality they do....just not the way books define them. My fairy tale happy ending is 30 years from now...I look back on my life....and I see the legacy I left behind when I have 3 strong, happy, healthy grown children who are blazing their way through life...doing the right things, making the right choices, loving their spouse and children as I do mine, and having the right priorities in life....yes...that's my happily ever after.

A somber Pandora

XoXo

Football...Cooler Weather...Welcome Fall!

It has been a weekend filled with football and cooler weather which makes you realize fall is finally really here. I enjoyed the first Friday football game that felt like it was really football season. It didn't help that we kicked some Coyote ass this weekend either. Then there was the Texas vs Colorado game. I admit...I was a little nervous as flat as they played the first half and if we start that way next week against OWHO...we may be in some serious trouble. I was hoping that Baylor would remind Sam Bradford that he doesn't really want to come back and play in the college ranks and risk that *gag*promising career in the pros. No dice. Baylor did hang with them for some time even if the final score didn't reflect that. A good hearty Shout Out to Mouse's Air Force Falcons...it was a great game against the horned frogs....better luck next time.

Then there are all the games from today. Ughhhh....I've not had a very good football day. The damn Chiefs gave me hope against the Cowgirls when they pushed it to overtime. I couldn't believe they won the toss on their home field and still couldn't finish the damn game. I knew going in that an 0fer team would struggle against Dallas and they should have walked away with this game. I was really stunned when Dallas struggled so much. Then the damn niners choked and couldn't take the falcons. The Broncos took down the Pats so Barbaro's girl is happy. The Giants won...another great thing! Now watching the Colts struggle to beat the crap out of the Titans...normally I would be a huge Titan fan but...until they bench Collins I am going to hope this losing streak continues.

It is going to be a very interesting week. I'm really not sure what to do with myself still. I hope that I can start to find some closure. But, I'm not going to think about that tonight...nope....it is the weekend and that means at least until tomorrow night I can still get lost in FOOTBALL!!

It's a Dog Eat Dog World??

"The vet did WHAT down there?!?"

Does no one respect loyalty, ethics and integrity any longer? The last few days....weeks....have really made me question some of the things I truly believed in....some of the things that are the tenants of my foundation. My issues with work haven't been a real secret. I blog about it enough I might as well change the name of my blog to some quirky spin on "Days of our Lives". But, today, I think it all really hit home for me. Today was a huge rollercoaster. It was bad enough last week when people who I have relationships with outside of the office, people who call my home....questioned my professional ethics. Anyone who knows me professionally knows, my professionalism is one of the things I pride myself on the most. During that call on Tuesday...when I thought I would know my future and could grab hold of it with both hands one way or the other...I was very disappointed that the loyalty I've shown to this organization...these people....wasn't repaid. I can't tell you the number of times this week I've heard..."It's just business." Now while I agree sometimes it is just business....you don't spend 9 years of blood, sweat, tears in an organization....especially one in the human services industry...and not bond with people and develop confidants and friends. While I can understand on some level it has to be just business...was it just business when I was putting in 60-70 hours a week and not getting paid? No. Was it just business when I had to listen to my daughter pitch for the first time on the cell phone because no one else would take the meeting and I was stuck in Lubbock? No. If you've ever been to Lubbock...you know you want to be anywhere but there! Mac Davis had it soooooo very right...Happiness is Lubbock, Texas in your rearview mirror. Anyway....my point here is...even if it were simply just business there is a moral and ethical code that we as professionals should ascribe to and believe in. These are the simple things we learn in gradeschool...treat others as you want to be treated....if you don't have something nice to say...always tell the truth....I think this is a bigger reflection of what got us in to trouble with Wall Street....we stopped living by those tenants and started ascribing to "It's just business". For the man who is laid off in Detroit because GM is shutting the plant but the CEO who mismanaged the company for year is still getting his big fat bonus...what do we hear..."It's just business." That doesn't put food in the employees kids bellies. But that fat cat CEO is off on some private island somewhere with his 20 something mistress and his big fat hairy white belly hanging over his speedo smoking his stogey all the while laughing all the way to the bank. That brings me back to my own situation. I still want to believe people even business people will do the right thing when given the opportunity. I want to have faith that justice does prevail and when the day is done I know that even if I wasn't shown the courtesy, compassion or respect I deserved...I personal did the right thing. I lived up to my word...I looked out for the greater good....and to me...that is the true business of life.... Just another senseless rant from a tired Pandora xoxo

Digging Out

Okay, I will NOT complain about being bored any more!!! Things have been quite the mess the last week or so after all hell broke loose at work and with ummmm how should I say "other issues" - you all know what I'm REALLY talking about *wink*. I'm still supposed to be on "vacation" while they contemplate my future. Hmmmm 9 people who are all pretty new to the situation get to decide what to do about me....not very comforting.

So....instead of having that time off....I detailed for them a list the things that they assigned to me since just yesterday to do on my day off. I will never get them done. I'm supposed to "delegate" but, when I do....none of them know the information so I end up having to provide them with the information so I might as well just do it myself. Ah, the joys of chaos.

So I apologize for not being more in tune and accessible the last few days because I just haven't felt like being social with all the other stuff going on and feel like retreating to my cave.....oh well....someday...

xoxo

Pandora

Can Ya tell I'm bored yet?!?

Okay....this will be my 3rd post today...yes, I'm bored!!!

Earlier in the week, I took the opportunity to brag out my Mouse and her commitment to finish what she started. Well, now I get to do the same with her sister Barbaro's Angel....she was honored at the commanders call this week with recognition as cadet airman basic of the month for her flight in JROTC. I couldn't be more proud of her!!! I never saw her as the JROTC type really and the fact she has embraced this and is looking forward to a future leadership position within the JROTC in the school years to come tells me we did something right as parents somewhere along the way.

Since I'm on the topic of my kids....I'm also very proud of them because as 6 week progress reports come out today...they all have straight A's which some people told them were impossible being in pre-ap and ap classes. I tried to tell them we weren't the "typical" homeschoolers. I am a very happy mom today :)

Foot in the Mouth Moment of the Day

Okay....today is supposed to be a day off for me...like yesterday and Wednesday but, it hasn't really been that much of a day off. I had to do a conference call this morning w/ my "new" boss and an organizer to try to smooth out some disagreements. Normally we use a conference calling service but, the organizer wanted us to just call him directly. So, I had to learn how to do a 3-way call on my phone...see where this is headed yet?? When time came to make the call, I dialed my bosses number and told him to hold on I had to conference in the other gentleman. So when you go to dial the second party, it automatically puts the first on hold...or this moment would have been even worse. So I dialed the second gentleman and told him, "Hold on I'm doing a 3 way" and no sooner than the words left my mouth and I knew I had firmly stuck my foot in it! He started cracking up and I said, "oh that sounded as bad as I thought." Needless to say it was a good ice breaker for the tension between our two groups. He is still laughing about our 3-way....and yes, I'm still blushing!

Laughing all the way to the bank
XOXO
Pandora

Decisions Decisions

So, it is another new day. I'm not feeling as optimistic about things today. Nothing really new has happened or changed things, it is just another day. I have found myself waffling about things and I decided I needed to sit down and really think about what I want before I act on anything. I know that some of you are really scratching your heads about why I would want to continue to associate with my current work. I've invested so much of myself in that organization it is hard to just walk away knowing they have great potential under the new leadership and with the new projects on the horizon. I just can't stay until they figure it all out and find the money to pay me. It is a true conundrum. I think I have come up with a proposal that is mutually beneficial to them as well as myself. I want to walk away with no regrets and if I just jump ship and don't put them on a path to success, I will always regret that. Also, if I walk away and all the potential funding projects I have put together in the last few months with little to no assistance come in to being and I departed just before that happened, I will be kicking myself for some time to come and full of regret. So, I'm trying to do a win-win situational agreement with them. I know some of you feel it is me caving to their pressure and losing my resolve and I really don't see it that way. I see it as me finally doing what is in my best interest. I'm having my cake by walking away now....and eating it too by maintaining a working relationship that I can go back to on my terms and no one else's. If nothing changes at work, then I'm not out anything except the hope that they would turn things around. This is a very tough decision and I want to finally put me first and I see this as the best way to do that.

So now, the waiting game begins. We will see just how valuable I am to them I guess.....

Just another day in paradise

Okay....so much for my time off! After yet another emergency board meeting, I spent my day trying to do damage control and put out fires. Yeah me! I did something yesterday that I rarely do. I stood up for myself. I've always found it easier to stand up for everyone else but, have great difficulty when it comes to doing that same thing for me. I told work I would really like out of my agreement with them. Wow, did I really just virtually quit my job?!? What was I thinking...I'm flying without a net. While a part of that is exciting because it really means a whole new beginning for me, a part of me is profoundly sad. It really hit me today when my new boss of less than 24 hours told me he thought we could transition all of the organizational and operational things to his office until they get back on their feet. I knew that would happen but, I never really thought about it like that. They have already been asking me to come back...to not go....to think about it and make sure this isn't an emotional decision or one made out of frustration and it really isn't. This is going to be much harder than I would like for it to be. I've spent 9 years working with these people and I've invested a great deal of myself and my family in this organization. It was never just a job. But, this is no longer the place I need to be because they can't seem to change and without that, I can't continue to function in constant crisis management mode. So, I'm throwing something out to everyone....feel free to provide me with your honest feedback...What do you think? Should I take the money and run? Or....should I take the money and then volunteer to stay on as their point person limiting them to 10 hours per week until they get back on their feet and can pay a person to do this job...then maybe I can reconsider after some much needed separation from them but only if they function as a board and not as a dysfunctional family.

Pondering the unknown...

xOxO
Pandora