The Second Day of the Rest of my life

Okay....so during a conversation yesterday, I was lamenting how I feel very lost right now and my internal GPS system doesn't seem to be working. I was going on about how for the first time yesterday, I was hit with the true reality of my situation...or at least my situation as I see it. I was given a week off yesterday and while most people would jump at that...I wasn't all that thrilled. For the first time since my mom passed away, I had no real distractions. And then reality hit like a ton of bricks. In the last two months...I went from having a full-time job as mom/homeschool teacher, a full-time job as caretaker for an inferm parent, and a steady source of income from a full-time job that on most days I really liked what I was doing (just not all the politics and grant writing). I feel very much unemployed. I don't know what to do with myself because for so long all those things have defined who I am. So, I was trying to share that sentiment with the people around me. I had several various conversations looking for someone to have just the right words to help me grasp what I was feeling. In one conversation I made a joke and said, "If I were a man, I'd find a 20 year old bimbo and buy a corvette." The response I got was, "If I were a man, I'd buy a corvette too." Considering he is a man....didn't really help much but, what did I expect. He has always been certain about who he is. It is very clear cut for him and black and white because unlike me that is the world he lives in...damn...me and my shades of gray. I talked to someone else about this feeling of uncertainty about my own identity and I really felt like she understood more of where I was coming from. She reminded me again that my kids will always need me because I am "mom" and no matter how old they get or how many miles separate us, I will always be "mom" above anything else. Okay, so I know that part of my identity is safe and sound. I am moving toward acceptance that how they need me is changing and it is good for us all. It is what I have spent the last 14 years doing...preparing them for these moments in their life where they are the ones guiding their futures and making their decisions. Now, I have to sit back and let them spread their wings a little and know that I've given them what they need to fly. Whew! That's a relief. I'm still mom....but what about the rest? As I said in a previous post, I don't know how not to be the caretaker for my mom. It has defined me and my life for so long. I based a number of life decisions on being able to take care of mom. I'm not resentful or angry. It just means now that she isn't here, I don't know what to do with my time. When I finished the last few things at work yesterday and began my week off, I was totally lost. I tried to turn on that internal GPS and figure out where do I go from here and it kept wanting to reroute me and send me to mom's. There is no "mom's" any longer. Her house is being lived in by someone else now and her things are gone and the last 38 years as I have known them vanished in the blink of an eye. I was almost swallowed by the profound sadness I suddenly felt. So, I took a breath and tried to figure out, "where do I go from here?" I was amazed at how much of my identity and value I have turned over to other people and other factors in my life. I tried to regroup and focus on the challenges I face in my career...again, you know those from yesterday's post. I sat at my computer scrolling through various job boards and I realized...for the first time in my life....my career opportunities weren't limited by making myself available for being a caretaker for mom...or for being a "mom" myself. I took the other jobs I've had in the past because they provided me with the flexibility to be all those things and now that the slate is clean, I finally have to figure out, "what do I want to be when I grow up?" I don't think most people really have that issue at 38 but, well, I'm not most people. I envy Barbaro's angel for this...she is so clear on what she wants out of her life and has mapped her course, set her GPS and I don't see anything derailing that dream. She doesn't feel the "mom" bug like I do. She is able to distance herself from the emotional bonds and while some ways that makes me sad, it also make me happy that she is comfortable that way and is following her own path. So, back to my story, I don't know what I want to be when I grow up. The possibilities seem endless and quite overwhelming at times. It goes back to that fear of the unknown. It is hard to leave a job I've been at for so long and to start all over somewhere new. Since Atlanta, I'm not keen on being around people I don't know well and that plays a huge role in my insecurity for lack of a better word. So, I was trying to relay all this to someone else and something he said really struck me. He said I needed to "figure out who I want to be". Wow, for the first time in a very long time, that decision really is up to me. That is a daunting thing. I made some smartass remark about what the hell did he think I was trying to do and he followed that up with the quip, "Welcome to the first day of the rest of your life." In that moment, it hit me. The life I had just a few short months ago is gone. Again, like after the assault, I'm at a crossroads of defining who I am as a person. If you scroll to the bottom of the page and read the Jodie Foster quote, you will understand why I really like it now. So, today is the second day of the rest of my life...and today, I feel like I have started on a new path, a new journey filled with a little optimistic hope and excitement of not knowing just where I will end up and where life will take me. I want to grab hold of that optimism and not let go for a little while. I have to or I will get lost in all of the loss I'm facing at the moment. I keep telling myself all those coloquial sayings like, "Everything happens for a reason,""When one door closes another opens,""It is always darkest before the dawn." So put on your seatbelts, buckle up tight, grab the "oh shit" bar and hold on for the ride of my life!

XoXo
Pandora

Can a job be like family?

Okay, as most of you know I work for a non-profit...and when they say "non" they mean it. With the current economy, many businesses, both profit and non-profit are struggling to stay afloat and ours is no different. So, I am in a bit of a dilemma. I have been with this group for 9 years and in a lot of respects working for a non-profit is at times like dealing with your family. You have close knit relationships with the people you work with - you have to because you usually share a passion about something. When I took this job, I did it for many reasons. I really like the flexibility of having a home office. I am a bleeding heart liberal so I'm told so the fact that I am doing something that is in advocacy and outreach is in my nature. I have always leaned toward jobs in the social service sector. I also really liked the majority of the people I was working with. But, as with all things...life happens. In just the past 3 years, a great deal has happened to the group I work for and to myself in the context of my job. I am at a crossroads and I'm not really sure the right direction to go but, I am at a juncture in my life where indecision is far worse than just picking a path and following it. So, I've tried to make a list and compare the pro's and con's of staying. I'm finding out even that isn't as easy as it sounds. We have a board that isn't truly engaged since this isn't their "day" job. My program that I built in the last 9 years was basically stolen out from under us by our funder. We have leadership that fluctuates every two years...so I'm in a constant position of having to retrain our board on the nuances of being on a non-profit board that actually has to work. The majority of the "action" items get dumped on me either by assignment or default because people who take them on don't follow through and actually do their job. There is NO accountability and that perhaps is my biggest issue since I'm such a stickler for accountability. I'm charged with running an organization but, given very limited authority to do it and that is no longer functionally operational. All of these organizational things don't take in to account my own personal biases at this point. I'm not sure I will ever be able to forgive so to speak our board for how they handled my assault situation. When I went to them privately and asked for a volunteer to be removed, they named me publicly and it took me having to threaten to sue them for them to take me serious about the hostile working environment that I was being forced to deal with. They showed more loyalty to my assailant than they did to me...their paid employee of at the time almost 6 years. As much as I've tried to move past it and our leadership has had turnover since then, it is still the sum of how the group treats me by and large. I know that no work environment is absolutely perfect but, there has to be some sense of loyalty somewhere right?
Having said all that, I also have to weigh the other side of all this. If I leave, I will be giving up 9 years of sweat and tears. I have been told on more than 1 occasion that I am the heart and soul of the group and if I leave they will disband. That is a lot of pressure for 1 person to carry. I don't know that I want to have to start over at a new job and earn my seniority again. Plus, this isn't the best job market to be unemployed in. 6 unemployed people to every 1 job opening...YIKES! I haven't even mentioned yet that they don't have sustainable funding streams and have only enough operating budget to go through February. I trusted them to hold things together and not drop the ball while I was dealing with my mom's health the last few weeks. I turned over control of major projects, which is hard enough for me to do, and people let me down and not only dropped the ball but kicked it clean out of the stadium where I can't get it back. That is a total drain on what energy I had left. However, we do have some very large prospects on the horizon that could provide us sustainable funding for some time to come. Do I want to gamble mine and my families future on a group that up to this point hasn't been able to deliver on a single thing they promised me?

So...I sit here pondering...should I stay or should I go? The million dollar question I guess. I've been told that with the loss of my mom this could just be a knee jerk reaction and I shouldn't make this decision until I'm more emotionally settled with things. But, I don't feel I have the time to wait around for that to happen. It will be very much like leaving my family. I can see similarities with the people I work with and the dynamics there compared to my role in my extended family. Not sure either of those relationships are exactly healthy for me. Why can't life ever just be simple? I see a lot of gray when it comes to life but, I am ready for some black and white for a change. I wish I knew the right turn at the crossroads I'm at.

A perplexed Pandora

XoxO

Ahhh yes...FOOTBALL!!!

So, I've not really done a sports post lately. What can I say...my cubs WERE actually COMPLETELY USELESS BY SEPTEMBER!!!! I am so disappointed that they just can't get it together and give us lifelong cubs fans something to cheer about. So sadly, I've quit engaging in baseball for the year as I can't stand to hear yet again how well the devils in NY are doing aka the Yankees. Needless to say, I'm very glad football season is here.

You know what's wrong with Tuesdays and Wednesdays?? There's no football!!! A number of "my teams" are doing well. The Colts are kicking butt and taking names, the niners are looking better than they have in years - very happy to see Mike Singletary as coach, the Giants are beating up on the Cowboys per usual so life is good. Then you can go to college and my Horns are kicking ass, the Hawkeyes came through for me and kicked Penn State's ass, the Air Force Falcons are doing well (gotta love 'em for Colorado Living & Mouse), and USC has already lost a game to an unranked team - ah yes what more could I ask for!

I have to tell you all though, I've really rubbed off on Barbaro's Angel. You should hear her when her teams are playing (especially the Colts). I've never heard so much yelling at the TV, I'm not even that passionate. Okay, well maybe when the longhorns are playing OU *gag*. Mouse is indifferent, she keeps asking me is that good or bad for our team on every play. I keep telling her if she learns the rules and ins and outs of football she will impress every boy she meets. She's not so convinced. She still doesn't get my joke about Tight Ends having good hands....hmmm maybe I should save that one for when she's older.

Okay...I've rambled enough...I'm off to enjoy the rest of the days games...Go Colts beat the Cardinals...Go Panthers beat the cowboys *gag*. Aww you didn't think I wouldn't rag on the cowboys did ya Heart??

XoXo

Pandora

Taking a Page Out of My Daughter's Book

Okay, most of you know my Mouse has been sick. We took her to the doctor on Friday and she has a sinus infection. I knew she needed to see someone when she kept complaining because she is not the complaining type. She is typically the one that keeps going anyway...and for most of last week she did. Even though she couldn't stop coughing at times, she made it to every cross country practice and ran at least a mile if not two. She went to school every day and kept her homework up. I was very proud of her for that. But, nothing could compare to what I saw yesterday. She only had one dose of antibiotics and the cough medicine made her very sleepy so she didn't want to take any yesterday...the day of her first cross country meet...ever! She was up and ready to go yesterday bright and early (even though she slept on my chest Friday night during the fourth quarter of the game). She went to her meet and there I was utterly amazed at my Mouse. The course was two miles long and it was a lot of rough terrain with a great deal of mud since we finally got some rain down here. She started off a little slow but, she quickly found her pace. We spread out along the course at different intervals to cheer her on. When she came up the hill and around the corner and saw me there, I could see she was really winded and exhausted but still had about a mile to go. She started to slow down and almost went to a quick walk but, I encouraged her to stick it out and finish. Her brother saw her and started to run beside her for about 300 yards telling her to keep going and not give up. I moved to the next bend in the course and saw the anguish in her face and I would have been quite alright had she just walked the rest of the course but, she didn't. I told her to finish strong and she picked up the pace a little. She saw her Dad and sister waiting at the finish line and she even passed a girl or two coming in to the home stretch. She was exhausted at the end of the two miles but, she finished. She had to use her inhaler a few times and still had trouble catching her breath but, she finished. There were other girls, even the ones she runs with every morning at practice that just gave up and walked the rest of the way but, Mouse finished. Out of a field of about 60 girls, she came in 26th. She finished just 6 out of the medals. This was her first race, she felt like dog poo and she did great! I was so proud of her. Not because she placed so well. I was proud of her because she didn't quit....she didn't stop...she didn't give up even when she had every reason in the world not to even be running in the first place. She reminded me why I call her Mighty Mouse because she is just that...mighty. She reminded her Mom of something very important. No matter what else is going on, you need to stick it out and just finish. Life isn't easy and it can throw a lot of curve balls at you but, you still have to finish. There is no quitting, no giving up, and no regrets. You leave your heart and soul on the course...you simply just finish.

A very proud Mom,

xOxO
Pandora

Fear of the Unknown

The end of the week is here....finally. I mark the days off on the calendar one by one and celebrate when the weekend gets here because I managed to get through another week. I know at some point, life will get easier and it won't be such a struggle to go minute by minute, day by day, week by week. I go in to the stores and I see the Christmas decorations and merchandise going up. Wow, it is September! I'm not ready to jump to Christmas. I don't know how the holidays are going to go. I have recently discovered that one of my biggest fears is the fear of the unknown. But, I comment on other blogs and I offer advice even though I'm not sure I'm really qualified because lord knows I'm not an expert at living life. I just need to keep reminding myself that the unknown is everywhere and you can't run from it so you might as well embrace it. So you don't know if the light at the end of the tunnel is the beginning of a new day or the train barreling right for you. If you don't keep moving forward you will never find out and might just miss out on the best thing life has to offer you. So, I am going to keep working to embrace the unknown and hope Amtrak is on a different route.

Off to enjoy a full weekend of Football & Track Meets!

XoXo
Pandora

The Deep Dark Abyss

Okay, I'm not really sure I should put this out there for public consumption but, here goes. You might not want to read this - fair warning - I just need to put it down somewhere for my own sanity so someday I can look back on this and see that I have made progress from this point in my life. I need a written record of my journey through this deep dark abyss that I feel like I'm trapped in right now. I look around me and I see everyone getting back to life and getting back to normal but, I don't know what that is any more. I've spent the better part of my life taking care of my mom in one way or another. It wasn't always just the physical aspects of her care that have consumed the last few years. It was also her emotional needs. Growing up, all the other kids in the family had moved out of the house for the most part and there was just me left. It was at times almost like being an only child. Dad wasn't engaged so there was just me...and mom. She spent a lot of her time doing things with me and that was how she found her happiness and occupied her time. I was crushed when I told her I was getting married and instead of being happy for me, she told me I was only doing it to get away from her - I was abandoning her and didn't care about her any more. It must mean I didn't love her. I don't know why she felt so insecure about being loved. She was my mom and nothing she could ever do would make me stop loving her because she is just that...mom. It became a theme in mom's life and I know it wasn't just with me as I share stories about mom with my siblings these last few months. She was scared of being alone and that no one would love her. So when my dad passed away, I tried to shelter her from that and "fix" it. I quit school for a while and I moved in and stayed with her until one day one of the doctors she worked with pulled me aside and told me I was enabling her. I was a little taken a back by his words. What I thought I was doing was helping and instead I was making things worse? So again, I got to hear how I didn't love her and was leaving her when she needed me. Back to feeling like the worst person in the world. What I was doing just wasn't enough. I had children and moved closer to home so mom would have them around and she wrapped herself in them and they in her. She was more than just a grandma to them and I was okay with that. I know other people have mixed emotions about that relationship but, I know others have told me they think the kids are what kept mom going as long as she did. We never took a family vacation without mom. I'm not sure what that will feel like when we do. It will seem a little awkward I'm sure and it will be just another milestone I will mark "since mom died". Isn't it funny how we always find those damn labels to call things? Back to the point of this post....so then comes the death of my brother...and again, I tried to make it better for mom. I tried to shelter her from the pain of losing a child and keeping her busy but, again, I think I did more harm than good. Mom never dealt with losing dad or my brother. Honestly, I think it reinforced her fear of being all alone and unloved. That is a miserable place to be....I think at some point in our lives we have all felt that isolation. I know I have. In the last few years, I've found myself with mixed emotions about my relationship with mom. It is/was hard never feeling like I did enough. I didn't organize enough family dinners, I didn't take the kids to see her enough, I didn't do a million other things the way she wanted and she never hesitated to let me know. Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to sound bitter or blame her because I think I'm way past that point. I am though saying that it clouded my feelings and relationship with her. Then she got sick...and again, I wasn't enough. I wanted her to get better and couldn't make it better. I wanted to will her to do the things she needed to do to be healthy and beat this disease and I just couldn't. That is a lot of frustration, disappointment and heartache to live with now. I was told by someone wise that I had spent so much of my life trying to please mom that I was going to get to this point after her death that I didn't know what to do with myself and I think I have finally found that deep dark abyss she told me about. She said I would try to find other things to fill it...which I have, I've focused on work - been more productive there in the last few weeks than in the last year probably, I've focused on getting her affairs in order, I've focused on the kids and them starting school but the one thing I haven't focused on is I don't have a mom any more. The woman that helped to shape my life is suddenly missing. The person who in some ways I became a mother to is now gone and the void seems overwhelming as it is slowly starting to creep in to my every waking moment. I wish I could be more like others with boxes and labels. I wish I could have felt all this weeks ago when it happened and there were others in this same place because now I feel truly alone in my grief, sorrow and sadness. I know I'm not and I know there will be lots of comments on my blog to tell me that but there comes a point where no one else can make it better for you - you have to make it better for you. I just don't know how to do that just yet. So today, I sit alone in my deep dark abyss wishing that I could have just 1 more moment with mom, just see her 1 more time. I miss her immensely and today for the first time, I can say that out loud and that scares me. I've watched others struggle with their grief for weeks now and to know I have that ahead of me with all the other things I have going on right now - my own health, the uncertainty of my employment, everyday life and finishing up getting her affairs in order I'm truly terrified that I will never leave this dark hole and find a way to be happy and healthy again. So as I said, this blog is probably more for me than for anyone else. I'm a firm believer that if you don't express something...if you don't find out how to put words to it...you will never own it and this is something I truly need to own. I know she loved me. She told me in her own ways. This isn't about unfinished business with mom, this is about figuring out what my new "normal" is and for the first time actually feeling like I have to define it myself and not by the parameters others set for me.

Heading off into the darkness

xoxo
Pandora

Road Blocks

So, today has been a challenging day. I find myself struggling more and more to keep a lid on all the emotions of the last few months. I'm not sure just how much longer I can "control" all that groundswell that is building. I keep trying to tell the people around me that I will just let go and cry when it is all said and done but, that feels like it will never happen. Who knew probating an estate could be so challenging? Okay, I guess deep down I really knew. You have personalities, you have the raw emotion of losing someone you love, you have family history...all mixing for a very combustible and volatile situation. I thought that we would be through this by now. I had my goal set on a probate date of the 21st and now that has come and gone. I didn't realize just how much I was let down by that and how much I was waiting to clear that last road block so I could just let my guard down and FEEL something...anything.

I had an interesting discussion today and was told that I find a way to put up road blocks in my life. I was really surprised by that observation. So, we analyzed it for a while and sadly I see it. I set up unrealistic expectations of both myself and the people around me. I keep forgetting the only person's actions I can truly change are my own. I've had a lot on my plate to deal with and I realized today that while some of you reading this like maps...I prefer lists. I make them at work all the time when I'm feeling overwhelmed and totally behind. I then prioritize them and check them off one by one or otherwise I never feel like I've truly accomplished anything because we all know the demands of work are never really off our desks so to speak. So I have all this stuff on my "life" desk and I want to make a list but, how do you prioritize the things I'm experiencing? I went in to therapy to work on my issues as a result of the assault and just as I was really getting to the point I was about to have serious progress, I threw up a road block. I totally changed direction and went somewhere else in all the discussions. I did a u-turn in the course of life and started looking even deeper at things. Okay, that being said, I also understand that all these things play together and intertwine and make it all very complex. So just as I start to really make progress with the new topic, I throw up another road block. I focus on the anger, frustration, and hurt I feel with the loss of a loved one but, again another road block. There is more construction on this highway than there is on hwy 1604 and for those of you familiar with Texas...you will TOTALLY get that reference. I focus on the end of life advocacy issue, the probate, the financial affairs anything to not look a little deeper and truly be lost in the depths of my sadness and sorrow. While my mom and I had our differences in the last few months/years, she is still a huge part of who I am and the thought of truly letting that loss soak in and consume me is frightening and on the verge of terrifying. So I sit here...staring at my list. I still don't know how to prioritize the things on my "life" desk. I wish I did. Maybe I need to find a new route and just let life happen. But, I don't know that since the assault I've ever been able to get past being the scared "victim" and to truly let life happen I would have to feel secure and trust the people around me to catch me and that in and of itself is a very scary prospect. Okay, I admit it, I'm a control freak and the thought of a total loss of control has put me in a bit of a tailspin today. Who knows, maybe this is just one more way I'm putting up a road block in my recovery.

Wandering Aimlessly Trying to avoid the road blocks....

XoXo Pandora

An Overprotective Mom or just the reality of post 9/11 & our "new" world?

Do you remember the days when our parents used to trust us to walk to the store, a friends house, home from school? I do. But, those days are long gone in our world. At least they are at my house. I am very vigilant about knowing and keeping an eye on my children and their whereabouts. The last few weeks as they've journeyed from my nest, I've felt a heightened sense of protectiveness. Here's just a few examples:
Last week, the boy child left his binder in the classroom and he needed it to study for an exam that day. I wasn't able to get it that evening so, I offered to take him to school a little early so he could go to the classroom, get the notes and study that morning before the exam. I wasn't comfortable just dropping him off that early without much adult supervision around so I asked his oldest sister to stay with him until the morning staff showed up. She grumbled and groaned but agreed to do it. I knew that would mean that she had to walk across two fields the length of football fields and a parking lot to get to the high school but she is 14 after all it is daylight out and she is rather dependable. I asked her to please text me when she got to the campus okay so I knew she was alright. It wasn't because I didn't think she would go to class & would cut out on the day. It was because I just don't trust people any more. I waited somewhat patiently in my meeting, expecting that text to come any minute. The school day starts at 8:20. By 9, I was starting to freak out. I think I did good waiting that long. So, I sent a text to her dad asking him to confirm with the school she had made it okay. She did...and she finally remembered my request to text me at lunch. Lets just say she got a nice ass chewing for worrying me like that when she got home.

Another story to share, this morning it was dark and gloomy outside. There wasn't a peek of sunlight coming out to start the day. I normally drop the Mouse off for track between 6:45 & 7:00. I always watch as she walks through the parking lot, across the bridge and is greeted by the smiling faces of her new found friends. This morning, I didn't see a soul out there. Coach had said if it was raining to go to the gym but, it wasn't raining yet. I waited a few minutes and she walked back to the car and informed me no one was there. I told her I would drive her to the gym to see if Coach was there and sure enough he was just arriving at the gym. Too bad he can't follow his own instructions! He asked Mouse to have me drive her back to the track to tell her cohorts that they were in the gym working out. I obliged the request and back we trekked to the track. I was stunned and amazed at what I saw. It was still pitch black and you couldn't see the track or the stands from the parking lot and one by one I watched cars pull up and out popped little heads and off the cars went oblivious to the fact that no one was there to watch over the kids. The track backs up to a wooded area that is a practice cross country track. How do they just kick them to the curb and never ensure that they are with someone who will look out for them? What startled me even more was that one of Mouse's friends was being dropped off. Mouse asked her if she wanted a ride to the gym and Cookie climbed in the car while the car that dropped her off pulled away. The person in that car never even checked to see who I was. I have limo tint on the windows of my car so I know she couldn't see me. She watched her daughter jump in the backseat of a stranger's car and drive away. Who does that?? I was really upset that we bring these kids in to the world and just because they start to walk and talk doesn't mean we don't need to be vigilant and watch out for them. Do people here not watch the news and see how many children are abducted every day on their way to school or hurt by people who are supposed to love and care about them? How do you in good conscience just drive off and leave your child in the dark....literally?
I was sharing this experience this morning with someone and I was surprised at the response I got. I was told I'm a little overprotective. Okay, maybe I am. Maybe I will always be since I have experienced firsthand a violent crime. Which leads me to the last thing I want to share in this message. Mouse was given the opportunity to go to NYC and Philly the first week that school is out during the summer. It would be a trip with kids ranging from her age to sophomore in high school. I don't know these people. I'm new to the school and the sponsor isn't even one of her teachers. I was already feeling some hesitancy about letting her go. New York will always be a target for terrorists. I know that. I read this morning about another stifled terrorist plot threatening the NYC mass transit system - the same one my daughter would be using during her stay there and that pretty much assured she will not be visiting the Big Apple any time soon. At least not without me keeping an eagle eye out. I again shared this view and I was again surprised at the response I got. I was told I'm letting the terrorists win with that kind of thinking. Okay, maybe a part of me is. However, I'm not willing to risk my child's life to prove a point. If it were me, I would be all over that like stink on poo. But, it isn't me. It is my child, who may be a little ticked off at me for not letting her go with her friends on this fantastic voyage but, she will still be here and it is my job to do what's best for her. So I admit, I've bought in to the post 9/11 hysteria a bit. If that makes me anti-American that's okay...but I think it just makes me a better parent for caring what happens to my child.

What do you think?

Pandora wavin' my little American flag

XoXo

Music & Me Take 2

Okay, I had said some time back I would share lyrics of music that "speaks" to me. I haven't done that in a very long time. So, I hear this song all the time on the radio and I don't know if it is the sadness they express or what but it just gets to me every time. We all know what it is like to miss someone...

Lady Antebellum - Need you Now Lyrics
Picture perfect memories scattered all around the floor
Reachin’ for the phone ‘cause I can’t fight it anymore
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind
For me it happens all the time

It’s a quarter after one
I’m all alone
And I need you now
Said I wouldn’t call
But I’ve lost all control
And I need you now
And I don’t know how I can do without
I just need you now

Another shot of whiskey, can’t stop looking at the door
Wishing you’d come sweeping in the way you did before
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind
For me it happens all the time

It’s a quarter after one
I’m a little drunk
And I need you now
Said I wouldn’t call
But I’ve lost all control
And I need you now
And I don’t know how I can do without
I just need you now

Yes I’d rather hurt than feel nothing at all

It’s a quarter after one
I’m all alone
And I need you now

And I said I wouldn’t call,
But I’m a little drunk
And I need you now

And I don’t know how I can do without
I just need you now

I just need you now

Oh baby I need you now

The Care is out of Health Care

So it has really been a while since I've posted about my frustration with the medical profession so I want to dive in and let everyone here know just how I feel about health care today. There is NO care in health care any more. It is all about the bottom line. We are herded through like cattle to the slaughter. I saw my rheumatologist last week. He told me that my losing a great deal of weight in such a short time isn't good for my body....like I enjoy the nausea and vomitting every day. He also told me the "mass/lump" on my collar bone had gotten bigger since June. All the while I'm thinking to myself I tried to tell them over a year ago it needed to be checked out. The kicker came though when he told me he wasn't in a position to deal with either of those things and I needed to see my primary care physician. Ughh!! So, he drew more labs to check the autoimmune disorder and patted me on the head with instructions to see my other doctor THAT day. I called and she actually was able to work me in. We reexamined what might be causing the nausea and to my surprise she felt it is post nasal drip....ummm that is one helluva diet plan! So, she added some nasal spray and some antihistamine to my medications....I am starting to need a day planner just to keep up with the pills and I'm not even 40 yet!! I tried to tell her that I was really concerned about these headaches I've been having and how the pain tends to be focused on the same side of my head and neck as this mass and basically, I was dismissed. I was told that I have to understand between losing mom and all the other things going on in my life, I'm under a great deal of stress and that can lead to some weird things going on. Okay, I might buy that if I hadn't had this lump for over a year now! So she agreed with the rheumatologist and scheduled me for a biopsy and flow cytometry this week. Yeah! I get to be poked with another set of needles that will carve out pieces of flesh and cells for review. Doesn't that sound like a day at the beach?

So, if I'm finally getting some action (no not THAT kind!) from the doctors why am I so frustrated? Because the truth is, they've stopped listening to their patients. They don't care. We are a chart, a billing code, another steer moving through the line so they can get to what's important to them - the bottom line of their practice. My head hurts. I can't shake this headache that I've had for over a week now and I just want someone to listen to me as a person...not just a patient. Who knows my body better than me? We all know, I really dislike physicians so do you really think I would be subjecting myself to more testing if I didn't think there was something really wrong?

Is it just me or have you had this happen to you as well? Do you feel like you just don't have a voice that people hear? What will it take to change things? Health care reform needs to start right here...with us...the consumer. We need to demand better quality care from our physicians and practitioners. We need to demand a seat at the table when they discuss reform or it will all be for not. We will still be on the outside looking in while someone behind a desk figures out what medications or procedures get approved and what don't. To slightly modify a quote from our past...Give me health care that cares or it will result in my death.

Pandora wishing harmony on those around me!
XoXo

Some days...

are harder than others. I don't know what it is about today that has me feeling so out of sorts but, I really am. Maybe it was that damn flu shot I took yesterday. Or maybe it is the fact that as much as I try to resist it and fight it....the reality that Mom is gone is really starting to sneak in and take a firm hold. I admit it, I have worked hard to stay very busy and not allow myself to let any real emotion in and I have little patience and distance myself from people who are emotional right now. I don't want to sound mean or coldhearted. I just don't know if I can get through all the "business" at hand if I let all the emotions creep in and firmly and coldly hit me. Isn't it funny, how even as adults, when things tend to go bad the person we typically look for is our mother? I guess in the grand scheme of life, things aren't really that bad. I have 3 happy and healthy kids that despite my reservations are doing very well in their first year in public school. I have someone who loves me and cares about me very much. I have my health...well okay....I won't go that far...I'm better off than I could be. I still have a good quality of life and am able to function on a pretty high level even if I am exhausted all the time. I have my Layla...what more could I ask for....a unified country and world peace?

So today is just another day to put one foot in front of the other and take life moment by moment and hope that each one will get a little easier and some of the stress in life will just melt away.

Pandora wishing you all happy thoughts.

xoxo

Have You Ever Noticed...

that things seem to snowball on you? (Can't you hear me doing my Andy Rooney voice when I say that? And if you don't know who Andy Rooney is then you probably aren't old enough to understand any of this blog anyway!) When things are going a little crazy it tends to perpetuate and a few more things get crazy until next thing you know you are caught in a current and hoping to ride out the waves. Maybe it is just me....but I seem to be seeing that more and more lately so I'm sitting here asking myself does stress and anxiety lead to more stress and anxiety? Is it a self-fulfilling prophecy...that once we start down that road we continue to see chaos around us? Does stress self breed and lead to more stress?

As I've said several times in these blogs recently, I want off this crazy ride. I want life to have purpose and meaning. We get up, we go to our respective jobs, we do our daily routines but how many times a day to you truly feel inspired or engaged in what you are doing? Is our lot in life to pull the 9-5 or as many of us experience the 10-12 hour days? When did we start allowing our work to dictate to us that it is okay to expect us to work those long days and not receive anything in return and I do mean expect us. I know I'm a little late with a labor day post as that ended a few hours ago but, it is a time to celebrate the things we've achieved as laborers but it is also a time to reflect on how far we still need to come. Millions of American workers don't have paid leave, sick or vacation. Millions of American workers don't have health benefits. We as a nation find that acceptable. We as a nation allow our children to be raised to believe that this is what they are meant to do...to go to school so they get a good career that pays them a lot of money but, what is the real reward in that? It shouldn't be about the money, or the material things our careers provide us. It should be about the satisfaction of a job well done. It should be about the relationships we build along the way. It should be about the people we help when we find a new treatment for cancer or when we make sure the little old lady who is homebound has groceries on her table because someone delivered them. If you died tomorrow would your legacy be your career, the 12 hour days you put in at the office or would it be something else? Do you really want that to be what you are remembered for? Or do you want the people around you, who know you to remember how you made it to every game your kid played in or how you and your wife still had date night after 20 years of marriage. Life is short...live each day as if it were your last because you never know when it just might be. I know we've all heard that before but, we get so lost in the day to day shuffle of errands, work and life that we forget that life is here to be lived and not just another day to get through.

This is Pandora waxing philosophical....xoxo

Responsibility....Whose Job is it Anyway...

It was the speech that rocked the world even before a word was uttered. It was the words that were judged before a copy of them were sent out for public viewing. President Obama plans to speak to our nation's school children tomorrow....err later today and communities in conservatives areas of our country are up in arms about it. "It is indoctrination." "He's sticking his nose where it don't belong." I didn't hear these words uttered when it was President Ronald Reagan addressing our children or President George HW Bush. Is it not the duty, the responsibility even of our public officials to inspire our children to great things? Isn't it the responsibility of our President to call on our nation to charge into the new decade with hope and aspirations to be greater than the generations before them? Did I miss something here? This isn't about conservatism or liberalism. This isn't a red state/blue state thing. This isn't even Republican or Democrat. This is about our youth, our future. We sit back as a nation and whine when our youth don't go to school - when they don't set goals and standards. I live in a community with several small town school districts near by and most of them don't plan on playing the President's comments tomorrow. To me, I see this as just plain ignorance. Why would you not want the person holding the highest office in our nation, even if your vote didn't put him there, not to back you up as a parent and challenge your children to find a cure for cancer or AIDS? Black or white, conservative or liberal, man or woman, aren't these the things we as parents want our children to do anyway?!? This is the true problem in our country....it isn't financial collapse or H1N1 that will destroy us....it is our ignorance and unwillingness to see past our own beliefs and opinions to do what is right by our fellow countryman. We all see them, the blogs, letters to the editor, op ed pieces that tell us if we don't support the war we don't support our troops. They say you don't have to believe in the purpose of the War but you do have to believe in the men and women risking their lives for our freedoms. Couldn't that same logic be applied here....couldn't those of us who support what the President is doing here say if you don't support the man you don't support the country? You are right, you need to support the men and women risking their lives for our freedom and a part of that freedom we fight to protect is the democratic political system. It is sad that we can't see past red and blue and see that our youth needs inspiration and if that is found in someone whose voter registration card says something other than what you believe in is that really such a bad thing? Where would our world have been if John Fitzgerald Kennedy had not simply said, "And so, my fellow Americans, Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country."

For those of you who want to know what President Obama intends to say to our children, I have visited the White House Website and included a copy of his speech here for you to form your own opinions about.

Prepared Remarks of President Barack Obama
Back to School Event

Arlington, Virginia
September 8, 2009

The President: Hello everyone – how’s everybody doing today? I’m here with students at Wakefield High School in Arlington, Virginia. And we’ve got students tuning in from all across America, kindergarten through twelfth grade. I’m glad you all could join us today.

I know that for many of you, today is the first day of school. And for those of you in kindergarten, or starting middle or high school, it’s your first day in a new school, so it’s understandable if you’re a little nervous. I imagine there are some seniors out there who are feeling pretty good right now, with just one more year to go. And no matter what grade you’re in, some of you are probably wishing it were still summer, and you could’ve stayed in bed just a little longer this morning.

I know that feeling. When I was young, my family lived in Indonesia for a few years, and my mother didn’t have the money to send me where all the American kids went to school. So she decided to teach me extra lessons herself, Monday through Friday – at 4:30 in the morning.

Now I wasn’t too happy about getting up that early. A lot of times, I’d fall asleep right there at the kitchen table. But whenever I’d complain, my mother would just give me one of those looks and say, "This is no picnic for me either, buster."

So I know some of you are still adjusting to being back at school. But I’m here today because I have something important to discuss with you. I’m here because I want to talk with you about your education and what’s expected of all of you in this new school year.

Now I’ve given a lot of speeches about education. And I’ve talked a lot about responsibility.

I’ve talked about your teachers’ responsibility for inspiring you, and pushing you to learn.

I’ve talked about your parents’ responsibility for making sure you stay on track, and get your homework done, and don’t spend every waking hour in front of the TV or with that Xbox.

I’ve talked a lot about your government’s responsibility for setting high standards, supporting teachers and principals, and turning around schools that aren’t working where students aren’t getting the opportunities they deserve.

But at the end of the day, we can have the most dedicated teachers, the most supportive parents, and the best schools in the world – and none of it will matter unless all of you fulfill your responsibilities. Unless you show up to those schools; pay attention to those teachers; listen to your parents, grandparents and other adults; and put in the hard work it takes to succeed.

And that’s what I want to focus on today: the responsibility each of you has for your education. I want to start with the responsibility you have to yourself.

Every single one of you has something you’re good at. Every single one of you has something to offer. And you have a responsibility to yourself to discover what that is. That’s the opportunity an education can provide.

Maybe you could be a good writer – maybe even good enough to write a book or articles in a newspaper – but you might not know it until you write a paper for your English class. Maybe you could be an innovator or an inventor – maybe even good enough to come up with the next iPhone or a new medicine or vaccine – but you might not know it until you do a project for your science class. Maybe you could be a mayor or a Senator or a Supreme Court Justice, but you might not know that until you join student government or the debate team.

And no matter what you want to do with your life – I guarantee that you’ll need an education to do it. You want to be a doctor, or a teacher, or a police officer? You want to be a nurse or an architect, a lawyer or a member of our military? You’re going to need a good education for every single one of those careers. You can’t drop out of school and just drop into a good job. You’ve got to work for it and train for it and learn for it.

And this isn’t just important for your own life and your own future. What you make of your education will decide nothing less than the future of this country. What you’re learning in school today will determine whether we as a nation can meet our greatest challenges in the future.

You’ll need the knowledge and problem-solving skills you learn in science and math to cure diseases like cancer and AIDS, and to develop new energy technologies and protect our environment. You’ll need the insights and critical thinking skills you gain in history and social studies to fight poverty and homelessness, crime and discrimination, and make our nation more fair and more free. You’ll need the creativity and ingenuity you develop in all your classes to build new companies that will create new jobs and boost our economy.

We need every single one of you to develop your talents, skills and intellect so you can help solve our most difficult problems. If you don’t do that – if you quit on school – you’re not just quitting on yourself, you’re quitting on your country.

Now I know it’s not always easy to do well in school. I know a lot of you have challenges in your lives right now that can make it hard to focus on your schoolwork.

I get it. I know what that’s like. My father left my family when I was two years old, and I was raised by a single mother who struggled at times to pay the bills and wasn’t always able to give us things the other kids had. There were times when I missed having a father in my life. There were times when I was lonely and felt like I didn’t fit in.

So I wasn’t always as focused as I should have been. I did some things I’m not proud of, and got in more trouble than I should have. And my life could have easily taken a turn for the worse.

But I was fortunate. I got a lot of second chances and had the opportunity to go to college, and law school, and follow my dreams. My wife, our First Lady Michelle Obama, has a similar story. Neither of her parents had gone to college, and they didn’t have much. But they worked hard, and she worked hard, so that she could go to the best schools in this country.

Some of you might not have those advantages. Maybe you don’t have adults in your life who give you the support that you need. Maybe someone in your family has lost their job, and there’s not enough money to go around. Maybe you live in a neighborhood where you don’t feel safe, or have friends who are pressuring you to do things you know aren’t right.

But at the end of the day, the circumstances of your life – what you look like, where you come from, how much money you have, what you’ve got going on at home – that’s no excuse for neglecting your homework or having a bad attitude. That’s no excuse for talking back to your teacher, or cutting class, or dropping out of school. That’s no excuse for not trying.

Where you are right now doesn’t have to determine where you’ll end up. No one’s written your destiny for you. Here in America, you write your own destiny. You make your own future.

That’s what young people like you are doing every day, all across America.

Young people like Jazmin Perez, from Roma, Texas. Jazmin didn’t speak English when she first started school. Hardly anyone in her hometown went to college, and neither of her parents had gone either. But she worked hard, earned good grades, got a scholarship to Brown University, and is now in graduate school, studying public health, on her way to being Dr. Jazmin Perez.

I’m thinking about Andoni Schultz, from Los Altos, California, who’s fought brain cancer since he was three. He’s endured all sorts of treatments and surgeries, one of which affected his memory, so it took him much longer – hundreds of extra hours – to do his schoolwork. But he never fell behind, and he’s headed to college this fall.

And then there’s Shantell Steve, from my hometown of Chicago, Illinois. Even when bouncing from foster home to foster home in the toughest neighborhoods, she managed to get a job at a local health center; start a program to keep young people out of gangs; and she’s on track to graduate high school with honors and go on to college.

Jazmin, Andoni and Shantell aren’t any different from any of you. They faced challenges in their lives just like you do. But they refused to give up. They chose to take responsibility for their education and set goals for themselves. And I expect all of you to do the same.

That’s why today, I’m calling on each of you to set your own goals for your education – and to do everything you can to meet them. Your goal can be something as simple as doing all your homework, paying attention in class, or spending time each day reading a book. Maybe you’ll decide to get involved in an extracurricular activity, or volunteer in your community. Maybe you’ll decide to stand up for kids who are being teased or bullied because of who they are or how they look, because you believe, like I do, that all kids deserve a safe environment to study and learn. Maybe you’ll decide to take better care of yourself so you can be more ready to learn. And along those lines, I hope you’ll all wash your hands a lot, and stay home from school when you don’t feel well, so we can keep people from getting the flu this fall and winter.

Whatever you resolve to do, I want you to commit to it. I want you to really work at it.

I know that sometimes, you get the sense from TV that you can be rich and successful without any hard work -- that your ticket to success is through rapping or basketball or being a reality TV star, when chances are, you’re not going to be any of those things.

But the truth is, being successful is hard. You won’t love every subject you study. You won’t click with every teacher. Not every homework assignment will seem completely relevant to your life right this minute. And you won’t necessarily succeed at everything the first time you try.

That’s OK. Some of the most successful people in the world are the ones who’ve had the most failures. JK Rowling’s first Harry Potter book was rejected twelve times before it was finally published. Michael Jordan was cut from his high school basketball team, and he lost hundreds of games and missed thousands of shots during his career. But he once said, "I have failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed."

These people succeeded because they understand that you can’t let your failures define you – you have to let them teach you. You have to let them show you what to do differently next time. If you get in trouble, that doesn’t mean you’re a troublemaker, it means you need to try harder to behave. If you get a bad grade, that doesn’t mean you’re stupid, it just means you need to spend more time studying.

No one’s born being good at things, you become good at things through hard work. You’re not a varsity athlete the first time you play a new sport. You don’t hit every note the first time you sing a song. You’ve got to practice. It’s the same with your schoolwork. You might have to do a math problem a few times before you get it right, or read something a few times before you understand it, or do a few drafts of a paper before it’s good enough to hand in.

Don’t be afraid to ask questions. Don’t be afraid to ask for help when you need it. I do that every day. Asking for help isn’t a sign of weakness, it’s a sign of strength. It shows you have the courage to admit when you don’t know something, and to learn something new. So find an adult you trust – a parent, grandparent or teacher; a coach or counselor – and ask them to help you stay on track to meet your goals.

And even when you’re struggling, even when you’re discouraged, and you feel like other people have given up on you – don’t ever give up on yourself. Because when you give up on yourself, you give up on your country.

The story of America isn’t about people who quit when things got tough. It’s about people who kept going, who tried harder, who loved their country too much to do anything less than their best.

It’s the story of students who sat where you sit 250 years ago, and went on to wage a revolution and found this nation. Students who sat where you sit 75 years ago who overcame a Depression and won a world war; who fought for civil rights and put a man on the moon. Students who sat where you sit 20 years ago who founded Google, Twitter and Facebook and changed the way we communicate with each other.

So today, I want to ask you, what’s your contribution going to be? What problems are you going to solve? What discoveries will you make? What will a president who comes here in twenty or fifty or one hundred years say about what all of you did for this country?

Your families, your teachers, and I are doing everything we can to make sure you have the education you need to answer these questions. I’m working hard to fix up your classrooms and get you the books, equipment and computers you need to learn. But you’ve got to do your part too. So I expect you to get serious this year. I expect you to put your best effort into everything you do. I expect great things from each of you. So don’t let us down – don’t let your family or your country or yourself down. Make us all proud. I know you can do it.

Thank you, God bless you, and God bless America.

xoxo Pandora

No Left Turns

Someone near and dear to me sent me this....and with everything I have going on it really hit home at the end and I guess I just needed to be reminded of a few things...so I hope you enjoy reading this as much as I did and you don't have to wipe away quite as many tears as I did...ILU CL :)

This is a wonderful piece by Michael Gartner, editor of newspapers large and small and president of NBC News. In 1997, he won the Pulitzer Prize for editorial writing.. It is well worth reading, and a few good chuckles are gu aranteed. Here goes...

My father never drove a car. Well, that's not quite right. I should say I never saw him drive a car.

He quit driving in 1927, when he was 25 years old, and the last car he drove was a 1926 Whippet.

"In those days," he told me when he was in his 90s, "to drive a car you had to do things with your hands, and do things with your feet, and look every which way, and I decided you could walk through life and enjoy it or drive through life and miss it."

At which point my mother, a sometimes salty Irishwoman, chimed in:
"Oh, bull----!" she said. "He hit a horse."

"Well," my father said, "there was that, too."

So my brother and I grew up in a household without a car. The neighbors all had cars -- the Kollingses next door had a green 1941Dodge, the VanLaninghams across the street a gray 1936 Plymouth , the Hopsons two doors down a black 1941 Ford -- but we had none.

My father, a newspaperman in Des Moines , would take the streetcar to work and, often as not, walk the 3 miles home. If he took the streetcar home, my mother and brother and I would walk the three blocks to the streetcar stop, meet him and walk home together.

My brother, David, was born in 1935, and I was born in 1938, and sometimes, at dinner, we'd ask how come all the neighbors had cars but we had none. "No one in=2 0the family drives," my mother would explain, and that was that.

But, sometimes, my father would say, "But as soon as one of you boys turns 16, we'll get one." It was as if he wasn't sure which one of us would turn 16 first.

But, sure enough , my brother turned 16 before I did, so in 1951 my parents bought a used 1950 Chevrolet from a friend who ran the parts department at a Chevy dealership downtown.

It was a four-door, white model, stick shift, fender=2 0skirts, loaded with everything, and, since my parents didn't drive, it more or less became my brother's car.

Having a car but not being able to drive didn't bother my father, but it didn't make sense to my mother.

So in 1952, when she was 43 years old, she asked a friend to teach her to drive. She learned in a nearby cemetery, the place where I learned to drive the following year and where, a generation later, I took my two sons to practice driving. The cemetery probably was my father's idea. "Who can your mother hurt in the cemetery?" I remember him saying more than once.

For the next 45 years or so, until she was 90, my mother was the driver in the family. Neither she nor my father had any sense of direction, but he loaded up on maps -- though they seldom left the city limits -- and appointed himself navigator. It seemed to work.

Still, they both continued to walk a lot. My=2 0mother was a devout Catholic, and my father an equally devout agnostic, an arrangement that didn't seem to bother either of them through their 75 years of marriage.

(Yes, 75 years, and they were deeply in love the entire time.)

He retired when he was 70, and nearly every morning for the next 20 years or so, he would walk with her the mile to St. Augustin's Church.
She would walk down and sit in the front pew, and he would wait in the back until he saw which of the parish's two priests was on duty that morning. If it was the pastor, my father then would go out and take a 2-mile walk, meeting my mother at the end of the service and walking her home.

If it was the assistant pastor, he'd take just a 1-mile walk and then head back to the church. He called the priests "Father Fast" and "Father Slow."

After he retired, my father almost always accompanied my mother whenever she drove anywhere, even if he had no reason to go along. If she were going to the beauty parlor, he'd sit in the car and read, or go take a stroll or, if it was summer, have her keep the engine running so he could listen to the Cubs game on the radio. In the evening, then, when I'd stop by, he'd explain: "The Cubs lost again. The millionaire on second base made a bad throw to the millionaire on first base, so the multimillionaire on third base scored."

If she were going to the grocery store, he would go along to carry the bags out -- and to make sure she loaded up on ice cream. As I said, he was always the navigator, and once, when he was 95 and she was 88 and still driving, he said to me, "Do you want to know the secret of a long life?"

"I guess so," I said, knowing it probably would be something bizarre.

"No left turns," he said.

"What?" I asked.

"No left turns," he repeated. "Several years ago, your mother and I read an article that said most accidents that old people are in happen when they turn left in front of oncoming traffic.

As you get older, your eyesight worsens, and you can lose your depth perception, it said. So your mother and I decided never again to make a left turn."

"What?" I said again.

"No left turns," he said... "Think about it. Three rights are the same as a left, and that's a lot safer. So we always make three rights."

"You're kidding!" I said, and I turned to my mother for support.
"No," she said, "your father is right. We make three rights. It works."
But then she added: "Except when your father loses count."

I was driving at the time, and I almost drove off the road as I started laughing.

"Loses count?" I asked.

"Yes," my father admitted, "that sometimes happens. But it's not a problem. Y ou just make seven rights, and you're okay again."

I couldn't resist. "Do you ever go for 11?" I asked.

"No," he said " If we miss it at seven, we just come home and call it a bad day. Besides, nothing in life is so important it can't be put off another day or another week."
My mother was never in an accident, but one evening she handed me her car keys and said she had decided to quit driving.. That was in 1999, when she was 90.

Sh e lived four more years, until 2003. My father died the next year, at 102.

They both died in the bungalow they had moved into in 1937 and bought a few years later for $3,000. (Sixty years later, my brother and I paid $8,000 to have a shower put in the tiny bathroom -- the house had never had one.. My father would have died then and there if he knew the shower cost nearly three times what he paid for the house.)

He continued to walk daily -- he had me get him a treadmill when he was 101 because he was afraid he'd fall on the icy sidewalks but wanted to keep exercising -- and he was of sound mind and sound body until the moment he died.

One September afternoon in 2004, he and my son went with me when I had to give a talk in a neighboring town, and it was clear to all three of us that he was wearing out, though we had the usual wide-ranging conversation about politics and newspapers a nd things in the news.

A few weeks earlier, he had told my son, "You know, Mike, the first hundred years are a lot easier than the second hundred." At one point in our drive that Saturday, he said, "You know, I'm probably not going to live much longer."

"You're probably right," I said.

"Why would you say that?" He countered, somewhat irritated.

"Because you're 102 years old," I said.

"Yes," he said, "you're right." He stayed in b ed all the next day.

That night, I suggested to my son and daughter that we sit up with him through the night.

He appreciated it, he said, though at one point, apparently seeing us look gloomy, he said:
"I would like to make an announcement. No one in this room is dead yet."

An hour or so later, he spoke his last words:

"I want you to know," he said, clearly and lucidly, "that I am in no pain. I am very comfortable. And I have had as happy a life as anyone on this earth could ever have."

A short time later, he died.

I miss him a lot, and I think about him a lot. I've wondered now and then how it was that my family and I were so lucky that he lived so long.

I can't figure out if it was because he walked through life,
Or because he quit taking left turns. "

Life is too short to wake up with regrets. So love the people who treat you right. Forget about the one's who don't. Believe everything happens for a reason. If you get a chance, take it & if it changes your life, let it. Nobody said life would be easy, they just promised it would most likely be worth it."

I don't even like Rollercoasters!

Well, let it be known yet again, I don't like rollercoasters so someone please let me off this damn ride! Every time I think I'm making progress and moving forward I come over the hill and the ground falls out from under me again. I just want something....anything....to go smoothly!

Have you ever noticed Murphy's Law seems to apply when things are on a downward spiral? So is that just how things are or is it all in perception of how we see things when we are down and feeling out of the game? Is luck, fate, kismet really just what things are or is it what we make of them? I know I see my glass as half-empty right now and that is probably a choice. I could focus and try to see things in a more positive light but that requires a great deal of energy doesn't it? I'm not sure I have that energy right now. I was feeling more positive yesterday and I'm sure with the current situation at home and work life will tend to wax and wane but today I am feeling more frustrated than ever.

So someone out there, please tell me what the solution is. Is it time? Is it a better attitude? Do we make our own lot in life or do we do the best with what we are given by life? I know you're out there reading this so come on....give me some fun fodder to reflect on and blog about.

xoxo

Pandora

Texas Football...An Objective View

If you seriously think I am going to sit here and give you an unbiased view about Texas football or football in general then you must have me confused for someone else....you know...a football widow/widower or something. THANK GOODNESS IT IS FOOTBALL SEASON!!!!!

So, trying out this public school thing we went to our first high school football game last Friday. The smell of sweat, the cheers of the fans, the off-key trumpet player blasting charge....ahh yes nothing like Friday night in Texas. Unless you live here....or have spent time here during football season, you just wouldn't understand what it is like. Ever had a frito pie served luke warm when it is still 90 degrees at 9:00 PM at night? Well then you've never been to a football game in Texas!

I watched the colors running up and down the field the other night, warriors after one thing....the adoration of the cheering hoards of people who watch these gridiron heroes waging war. Back and forth on the field, the sound of pads and helmets crashing in to each other....spleens quivering in fear as they knew they were going to get plowed in to. Concussions just waiting to happen! Did I mention that my son just dropped regular PE class to sign-up for "pre-athletics" so he can start pumping iron and building muscles for football season in 2010?!? Who even knew there was such a thing for 10 year olds. Gone are the days of flag football when you were still young and developmental. Now we have dads...and moms....lining up along the fence the first day of practice for the middle school kids to see just who will carry the team on to a championship in 3 more years when they finally make it to high school. Ah yes, Texas Cheerleader Moms aren't the only crazy ones out there! We give hockey moms a real run for their money when it comes to guts and gore.

Okay....all jest aside...I really do like football season. There is nothing like it in Texas and when I leave here...which some day I will do...even if it is as ashes in a damn big red bottle :) I will really miss football in Texas.

Here's to another safe and happy football season (unless you are a Dallas Cowboy and here's wishing you a broken arm...leg...or two :) )

xoxo

Pandy