So, it has been a while since I've blogged. Shame on me! I should blog more, lord knows I have lots to say. Work has been busy....back to school has kept me busy as well. Then there is the chaos that seems to find its way in to my life.
A few short weeks ago, I got a very strange email from my stalker. I didn't lose a lot of sleep over it, well some, but no more than usual. Strange emails from my stalker are a way of life...or at least they have been for a few years now. Wow...years. Well, I didn't think much about it. Until the very next day my phone rang and it was my stalker from his cell phone. Hmmm he NEVER calls from his cell phone because his wife can track that. So...I answered. He wanted me to know that the email I received wasn't from him...it was from his wife. Oh goodie...lets add another psycho to my life. I ignored the email and didn't reply hoping that would be the end of it but, as my luck has it that was just wishful thinking as usual. The next day I had another email. This time identifying herself as his wife and ripping in to me for my inappropriate relationship with her husband. WOW...too bad she doesn't know the truth. I tried really hard to ignore the email. I was actually doing pretty good at it. Then next thing I know, my cell phone has a missed call from the stalker's cell phone again and a voicemail. I tried to figure out the best strategy to manage the situation. I found myself right back in the chaos I was in when I came back from Atlanta. Whatever sense of stability, safety and control I had convinced myself I had was shattered and I was the same scared person I was way back then. I shifted right back in to crisis management mode. I emailed her back and tried to make nice. I tried to tell her I had just a work related relationship with him from years ago. But, you can't fix crazy. Next thing I know, I'm getting email from him from a new email account requesting an opportunity to talk to me. And again, in that old mode of crisis management and trying to keep from pissing everyone off I traded a few messages with him. He of course wanted to apologize for her behavior. Not sure how I would have reacted being her... finding emails from my husband to some woman I don't know asking for pictures and all sorts of inappropriate content. But, it should have been a clue when there were no replies. Anyway, he had the nerve to ask me to LIE for him. She was threatening to call me....to contact my husband. Whoa....to contact MY husband and drag MY family back in to the hell hole my life has been since that night? I can't begin to tell you the fear and panic I felt. Words cannot begin to convey it. I felt like everything I had worked for in the last few years was vanishing before my eyes. So, I told him I wouldn't tell her anything but, he needed to keep her away from my family. And, he THANKED me for being his friend in all this. WTF?! In the meantime, another email from the wife and it was less than polite. I really tried with her ya know. I didn't tell her what a prick her husband is. I didn't shatter her world like he did mine. But, that wasn't enough for her. She still felt the need to pass on a few 4 letter words and to again threaten my family. She was going to contact my husband and tell him I've been having some nefarious interaction with her husband. Are you kidding me?! All this was happening within the span of a few days. I didn't know what Monday morning would bring but, I was filled with the fear and anxiety that has haunted me for some time now. Monday morning rolled around and I went to work not knowing if some crazy woman would be showing up and creating issues. I didn't know if the man who I still fear would show up because his world had been rocked. It was all seeming too much to bear. Then it happened. My phone rang and without a second thought I answered it. It was a number I didn't know and I had gotten used to not being so cautious. It was him...again. He wanted to tell me again how sorry he was and to see what I had heard from her. I snapped. Whatever fear and anxiety I felt was overcome by a rush of anger and resentment. I tore in to him and told him he didn't need to worry so much about what she was doing as he needed to worry about what I was ready to do. I told him flat out that I was done running. I deleted my email account (which to this day pisses me off because it was one I have had for years that I played games on). I informed him, okay...I threatened him. I told him that if she came anywhere near my family....if she contacted my husband or she showed up at my office, she would know exactly what has happened between us and all about the other women that I know about. And at that moment, all the dynamics of this situation changed. For the first time, I think he heard me. I think he knew I was dead serious. That's all been a few weeks ago....and it has been....ummmm quiet. I don't feel so much dread like I used to when there was one of these periods of silence....not a sense of waiting for the other shoe to drop. I find I don't feel much of anything about him....her....this...not even a sense of hopeful optimism that he might be gone for good this time.
I do however, find myself guarded with people again. I have that heightened sense of insecurity when I walk in to a room. I do avoid being touched still. I don't want to be crowded and heaven help you if I feel trapped. All of this has reminded me that I will never be "normal" again. That it won't take much to put me back to that place. Time has made it a little easier and I never would have snapped the way I did a year ago. I guess time will tell how this story will end but for now all this was just a reminder....you can't fix crazy.
