To Blog...or not to Blog

Well, it has come to my attention that someone who reads my blog is not necessarily reflecting what is said accurately to others who choose not to read it even though if asked people have been given access. My first reaction was screw it....I'm entitled to say and feel how I want. This is after all my PERSONAL blog and place where I express what I think, feel, believe and wonder about life...society...nature...etc. Then my next reaction was screw it....this isn't even a safe place for me to come and express myself any more since people feel the need to be judgmental and inaccurate about what they report back to others. So I sit here finding myself asking the question...to blog...or not to blog. By the fact that I am here right now posting this should tell you where I came out on that question.

When I sent out an invitation to people to share in my blog, I listed a few rules (this is cut and pasted from the email invitation):

thought I might invite some of you to take a peek into the dark side....the creepy crawl space filled with spider webs in my brain. I started a blog. First let me tell you there are some rules to my blog..

1) IF you decide to comment on anything I post - please do not use my real name. For obvious reasons....you know...the stalker....I'm just simply Pandora so I can speak my mind freely and not have to worry about who might be out there lurking reading it.

2) I am NOT going to edit my blog - I'm going to speak freely about life....things that have happened...both good and bad so before you choose to read or follow along....think about some of the things that might come up along this journey and be very sure that you want to read it before you dive in head first.

3) Don't tell the kids.....I don't want them any where near this because I'm very cynical and jaded and I don't want that to rub off on them.

4) Be nice...don't be offended by things I say or don't say since most of you are family. Nothing is meant to be offensive or slamming anyone it is about sharing my point of view about life and the world as I SEE IT...and nothing more.

5) Feel free to share with other adults you think might agree, find the information useful or funny or just whatever

Everyone received notice that I didn't intend to edit and would share what I felt. This blog wasn't about all of you...this blog was about me. It always has been. It is about how I see the world, how I feel, what I think and my perspective on life...particularly my life. This isn't something that most of you will understand because most of you reading this blog come from a different generation than mine where technology has played a key role in the forefront of our lives. I am most comfortable when I write. I have always been that way and it is sad that most of you reading this are my family and don't/didn't know that about me. Some of you ask - how can you be so comfortable putting this out there for everyone in the world to see? Well, if you read my previous blogs, I am a strong believer that information and knowledge are power. If anything I share sparks a little light in someone, helps them find courage to heal or realize they aren't alone, or inspires them to take action to change something they don't like about the world they live in or themselves then isn't that a great thing? What is wrong with talking about how I feel and see things?!?

I warned the group some time ago that things I said wouldn't always be the most popular way to go with things. I warned the group that there would be times that they might find things offensive or hurtful and that was NOT my intent but instead was a "safe" place for me to express those thoughts. Why did I pick such a public forum to put things down? Couldn't I have just as easily done this in a private way and not shared with everyone? Well, yeah...I could have but, doesn't my voice deserve to be heard just as much as everyone else?

September 2006, I was sexually assaulted in Atlanta and until August 2007, I lived with that and didn't tell a single soul. It nearly ruined my family and made me a very mistrusting and guarded person. That is the first time I've put that out there for all the world to see & yes, I realize there will be fallout because there always is but, it is the truth. This person still to this day gets to walk around free and easy because I kept quiet and didn't report it or say anything and now it is too late. When I started this blog it was to fill in the gaps between therapy times and give me somewhere to start actually voicing how I felt. It has been ingrained in me through life that there are things we don't share or do because of the cost to others and that nearly destroyed me. I'm tired of all this drama. I'm tired of living in a world where we are expected to be like mushrooms...kept in the dark and fed lots of bullshit. I'm tired of protecting everyone else at the cost of my own happiness. I intend to put myself and my immediate family first and foremost in my life and I'm sorry that some of you aren't happy about that but, it is what is the right thing to do. Most of you have done it for years and now it is my turn. My only regret is not having done this sooner.

For those that read my blog and find use out of it - humor, insight, whatever, I encourage you to continue to read and comment. For those of you that choose to twist and turn my words in to things they aren't, for you I just feel pity. It is a shame that you are so unhappy in your own skin that you have to condemn me for finding a way to live in mine. I hope that someday you learn to find your own true voice and make the best of it.

This is Pandora hanging up the phone in this game of telephone....

Go Mavs Go??

Okay...I admit...the Spurs are getting old but....I didn't expect a Round 1 exit. I have a secret confession. I am a closet Mavs fan so seeing them win didn't really upset me. I know Mark Cuban takes a lot of heat for his style and personality but, I have a great respect for someone who takes no bullshit, speaks his mind and doesn't give a rat's ass about what people think. So I guess I will have to spend a little time cheering on the Mavs...anyone but the Lakers. I have NO respect for a team that employs Kobe Bryant....not now...not ever.

On a higher note...my cubbies won today! St. Louis lost so we picked up a game. Woohoo.

It is a big week for sports....Basketball playoffs, the battle for Sir Stanley's cup, and the Derby! Tune in later in the week for my big derby pick.

xoxo

Pandora

Quiet Waters

Does there ever come a point in our lives where we find quiet waters? I look around me and life is speeding past me at the speed of light. I long for a quieter - more peaceful time. Am I wishing for something I just can't have any longer? Have our lifestyles changed so much we can't slow down? In the day and age of instant information and gratification, if we slow down to just catch our breath does life pass us by?
I think we miss so much of what is important because we spend too much time rushing from one thing to another. It saddens me that our children have grown up in a time where Sunday afternoon picnics for the most part are a thing of the past. I'm tired of the rat race - I really want off my wheel. I'm tired of being so responsible and carrying the weight of the world. Are some of us just destined to be the caretakers? It is very difficult to break that cycle when we are surrounded by people who take advantage of our generosity. I am thinking more and more that people just suck. I definitely prefer the company of my animals. I always know what I'm getting there! I need to keep reminding myself...and all of you out there that people only do what you allow them to do. So...to all of us people pleasers....put that line in the sand and hold your ground...remember the mighty oak is just an acorn who stood his ground.

xoxo
Pandora

How much information is too much?

My niece had her first child this weekend....hard to imagine one of my "babies" having a baby! Everyone is doing well...thank goodness. This did however, prompt some interesting conversations with my kids. The conversation started like I expect most would when someone they know has a baby....does it hurt? What's the placenta (although I was surprised to a certain extent how much technical knowledge they have)? How does an epidural work? Oh by the way...what's oral sex? Hold the phone...did you hear me hit the brakes on that one? Imagine that picture....me driving down the road minding my own business watching vigilantly for deer in my headlights and next thing I know...I AM the deer in the headlights. My 12 year old daughter is asking me what oral sex is. So, I regroup, inhale and boldly and honestly tell her. Now, I know there will be those that criticize me about it but, I would so much rather my children be informed with accurate and honest information. When is the right age to tell them? Well....when they start asking specific questions like that it is definitely time. I asked her where she heard about oral sex, in a calm and reassuring voice and she said matter of fact like...."the news - they were talking about an increase in incidence of sexually transmitted diseases spread through oral sex." Well, that took us down another whole path because then I felt compelled to make sure she knew that yes, sexually transmitted disease can be spread that way and no matter what her friends say...oral sex is still sex. This conversation led to a whole family conversation with the other two kids and I tried to share the information equally amongst them. At that moment, I had a major epiphany. I know I've always felt this way to an extent but, I realized I want my kids to have sexual freedom that comes with knowledge. I want them to have a healthy respect for sex and not be ashamed of their bodies or enjoying the dreaded S-E-X word. But, as I sat her contemplating all this my mind began to wander. Did I give them too much information? Is there such a thing? I don't think so. I think that knowledge is very empowering but, does it stop with this topic or does it span all areas of our lives? That led me to thinking about another conversation I had today...about the new Swine Flu. The question was asked....do we really tell people in the world everything that is going on with these types of occurrences or do we conceal some of the information to avoid a world wide panic? I think we have to walk a fine line in giving people the information they need and not do it in a sensational way that might provoke an overreaction and cause mass hysteria. But, if people are empowered with the knowledge of what the illness of the week is, they are better equipped to avoid exposure. How did we go from oral sex to swine flu? Not really sure.... I guess it is just another quirk of how my brain works....scary isn't it?!?

Stay Safe, xoxo

Pandora

Tough Weekend in St Louis

It was a painful weekend in St. Louis. My cubbies lost a couple big games to the Cardinals. Ugh...what made it even worse is I realized I raised a Cards fan. How is that EVEN possible?!? How do you grow up in a house like mine where 1 team is the clear family favorite and pick to be a fan of the arch nemesis?!? It is sad but true, I think I'm raising a redbird fanatic.

We are still a few games over 500 and I know it is early in the season. We are 3rd in the central division....who's first? The damn cardinals are!

An Ounce of Prevention....

is it really worth a pound of cure? Well, I guess that depends on what you are talking about these days. I spend a lot of time advocating for people's health. I know things sometimes I wish I didn't. Pertussis is on the rise. Those of us who were immunized years ago have lost our immunity and while it isn't a big deal for adults - it can still kill children. A father here told the story of his daughter's birth. Prior to welcoming his bundle of joy into his life the dad developed a nagging cough that just wouldn't go away. The doctor kept telling him it was really nothing to worry about. The cough went on for weeks and even spread to his mother and father - the babies grandparents. Shortly after the birth of his precious little girl, she contracted the cough and unfortunately, she wasn't so lucky. It was pertussis...or as most of us know it whooping cough. He had whooping cough and gave it to his newborn daughter. I bet the day he attended her funeral, he wished someone had told him that he needed a booster vaccination aka the TDAP to prevent him from catching this nasty little disease that is on the rise again. I know some women who are pregnant and in the last few days, I encouraged them both to make sure that people who will have intimate contact with their babies has been vaccinated and are up to date. I was scolded by some busy body who overheard my conversation and said "I swear, we didn't have all these new things and we all turned out just fine." I would love to introduce her to the dad who lost his daughter and has to look at his wife every day. What if it were her child?
It isn't just about the new vaccinations...there are a million and one things that have changed since we were kids. When we were kids, well some of us anyway, we didn't really know the full effects of smoking or second hand smoke but we do now. So, do we not tell people and give them the knowledge to protect themselves and those they love? Do we sit silently by and watch their lives go up in smoke?
Yes, we all stood in the seat next to our parents and seat belts were not mandatory like they are now. But, billions of our tax dollars have been spent to show that seatbelts really do save lives. Just ask someone you know who has been in an accident. We worry about crumple zones and side impact airbags but nag about wearing a strap across us that holds us in place?!?
We didn't know you shouldn't have lead based paint in our homes. We spend billions of dollars a year in the slums in our country trying to do lead remediation. Would this woman and all those who say we all grew up just fine let those kids get lead poisoning knowing what we know now? I would like to think as a society we grow with new knowledge but, when I hear comments like these I'm amazed at just how uninformed the general population is. If she had a child and knew all these things would she not take every precaution she could to prevent injury? If she says no we can chalk her up to one of those people who shouldn't reproduce.
I know that doing these things is often a nuisance and a real pain but, I would rather spend a few minutes ahead than a lifetime regretting what I didn't do.

A reflective Pandora wishing the world peace and harmony.

Politics as Usual in Austin

Extra Extra read all about it...Texas is going to secede from the union. Give me a break! When I first saw the sound bytes hit the airwaves, I said I wouldn't post about the idiocy coming out of Austin but, I couldn't help myself when I received an email from a transplanted Texan making apologies to the rest of the "union" for the "temporary insanity of our otherwise very intelligent Governor." Excuse me?!? Rick Perry and intelligence in the same sentence couldn't be further from the truth. I don't say this because he is a Republican. I say this because he is just an idiot. He is the man who fights against high speed rail connecting some of our larger metropolitan areas because he wants a "superhighway" that can be seen from outer space. He promises the horsemen in Texas he will support VLTs (video lottery terminals) one night and the Catholic Church he will fight gambling in Texas the next. Although, I can't fault him much for that one as it is a typical politicians actions. But, I can say what a moron when he VETOES approved legislation making school zones no idle zones to prevent air pollution that compromises the health of Texas children. I make no apologies for a man I didn't vote for. I would of rather had an independent sometimes singing cigar smoking Kinky Friedman as the Governor of the state I live in.

I've lived in Texas since birth ...and I'm spending a great deal of time trying to figure out how to get out of this backwoods hillbilly state. While I'm proud to be a graduate of the University of Texas at Austin and will always have a fond place for this state in my heart....people here resist so much change and are very narrow minded. Women are still second class citizens in a number of areas and we all know how I feel about that. So, I guess our Governor who is in a big battle to even be the Republican nominee for Governor, falls off his rocker and tells the rest of the world that at some point we may need to secede from the union, I'm really not that surprised. Dumb, just plain dumb I tell you. As my daughter would say, you can lead a man to knowledge but you can't make him think. He turned down federal stimulus package monies to aid in unemployment in Texas. He wants to tell us all that our economy in the state is so much better off than other states but, I bet if you ask the people who make up that 6.7% unemployment rate how well off they are, they'd be asking for that assistance. He tells us he should be re-elected because it is like a big business and he is the CEO and he's done such a great job running our state. Well excuse me oh mighty Governor but...have you checked out how we rank in the country for other key factors like health insurance, education, welfare, poverty? We rank in the top 10 for state with persons living below the poverty level. In education, we rank 36th in the nation for high school graduation rates. In our total education ranking we scored a middle of the road 26th. Sounds rather mediocre to me. Out of the 13, 502, 390 citizens in our state 4,127,280 are uninsured. That's a staggering 31%. Nice job Governor - we rank 1st in the nation on that one! I guess you are truly the CEO of a large business - you rank right up there with the leaders of such stellar firms as AIG, Citibank, and Merrill Lynch. Are you sure you don't want some of those stimulus dollars like your cohorts?

I was amazed that Governor Perry used the "Texas Tea Parties" as a springboard to further this nonsensical whimsy. I truly hope people both in and out of the borders of our state realize we don't all feel this way. He couldn't even get the concept of the Tea Party right. The last time I checked, the Boston Tea Party was all about taxation without representation. Hmmm, but the Texas Tea Party is because governement is too big?!? We have representation in Washington - in fact your friend Bubba Bush just came home from there - can't get any more representation than the big Kahuna himself. Stand up and take note Governor, the woman representing us in Washington currently is coming home to take your job! I will celebrate the day you are voted out of office with my own tea party. And if on the outside chance the majority of people in this state lose their mind and vote you back in....well my bags are packed and unlike Bubba and Iraq, my exit strategy is fool proof.

PIssed off Pandora

This picture pretty well sums up my mood right now. I have thought long and hard about this post and if I wanted to actually put it out here for the world to see. There are some that at least used to read this blog that will probably take offense to it but, in the end it is MY blog and MY opinion and this is the place I feel "safest" in expressing myself. With that said, I have some things I just really need to get off my chest.

I hate people - I don't discriminate based on race, age, ethnicity, gender, sexual orientation.... I hate everyone equally. Well, okay maybe I'm not that far gone but, I do have a very strong disdain for the majority of mankind. I find myself surrounded by people who will do whatever it takes not to take responsibility for their actions - no matter what that means. Given the opportunity, people will lie, cheat and steal to make themselves look better. I realize yet again, I have a very old world soul & view on life. I believe strongly in a few things:

• A parent ALWAYS puts their child first - no matter what that means, no matter the sacrifice, no matter what - you do anything to protect your child at all costs.
• A man (or woman) is only as good as their word - if you give your word about something keep it - if you can't keep it then don't give it.
  
• A man (or woman) should be known by their deeds. If someone goes out of their way to help you - say THANK YOU!!!! If you are an ass - that is how people will know you so don't get offended or surprised.
  
• Everyone makes mistakes - but if you do - learn to say I'm sorry. Learn to admit you screwed up. Ask for forgiveness and take responsibility damn it.
• Not everyone is meant to be a parent - so before you spread your legs or whip out the big boy - think it through because it is a lifelong commitment. If you aren't ready to sacrifice everything for someone else then DON'T DO IT!
• You can pick your friends but you can't choose your family - you figure out what I mean there.

I'm fed up with being the person who cleans up after people. I'm tired of being the person who is expected to forgive and forget. I'm done not holding people accountable. I'm turning in my enabler wings and I'm going from 0 to bitch in 2.2 seconds. Don't plan on pushing me around any more. If you can't take responsibility for screwing up - stay clear of me. If you can't be true to yourself or those around you - get out of my life. If you are destructive, self-centered and oblivious to how others feel - leave me alone. This is me quoting one of my favorite celebrity chefs (and yes I have more than one) Gordon Ramsey, "Piss off!!"

This is one very angry, moody and fed up Pandora telling the world I'm through with being walked on so stand up and take notice.


** If you think this post is talking about you...it probably is so take notice!

Go Cubbies...Go Cubbies....

Wow! I'm in a sports lovers heaven.

My cubs have taken 2 games in the series against the much hated St. Louis Cardinals! We are 3 games over .500 now and on a roll.

The playoffs for Sir Stanley's cup are under way and I'm getting to soak up some time watching the boys on the ice....basketball playoffs are getting under way as well....what more could I ask for....besides the CUBS being in the series in October...

Yeah yeah...I know it is still very early in the season but being a lifelong CUBS fan....you learn to enjoy the victories....even the little ones.

Accountability...and the Classroom

Doesn't anyone hold people accountable for their actions any more?
What do we teach our children when we make excuses for them time and time again? Or we allow them to do the wrong thing and not hold them accountable? If Little Johnny gets a bad grade in class it isn't that he didn't study or do his work - the teacher is at fault. If the parent complains to the administration - instead of backing the teacher (not saying the teacher is always right) in public and discussing any possible needs for changes in private - it is automatically assumed that the teacher is at fault because our precious angel children *big eye roll* could never be wrong.

My children do not attend a public school. In fact, I pulled them out of a private school. Why? No, I'm not some isolationist, not a religious fanatic, not even one of those people who is spiking the koolaid. It is simply because there is no discipline or accountability taught in school any longer. The inmates are running the asylum. I have 1...just 1 opportunity to teach my children right from wrong. I have 1....just 1 opportunity to teach my children the skills they need to get through life and not end up in a penitentiary some where soaking up our tax dollars getting their 3 square a day and a lifetime membership to a fitness club. I have 1....just 1 opportunity to teach them the priorities in life aren't about the next booty call or the next hit on the bong. I homeschool as a choice. Homeschooling has changed so much from the days of girls only wearing the long skirts and it being based on an expression of religious freedom. It is the middle class two income families making a choice what the educational priorities for their children will be. I chose to homeschool because my children are exceptionally bright - and not that isn't just a mom's opinion. They test high on standardized testing forms. The classroom education is based on teaching to the lowest level student in the room and screw the one that excels in the program. Again - no accountability - if the kids don't want to study and slow those that do down - to bad for them!

I have a great friend who teaches - I have NO idea how she does it. I couldn't do it and I have great respect for those who can. She was telling me that there is some program in the school now where the kids don't have to turn in the work on time....they can wait and turn it all in at the end of the grading period. Teachers are under pressure to pass them even in cases where the work is turned in all at the end. Now maybe I'm way out of touch - wouldn't be the first time but...isn't the original concept of schooling to prepare us for real world situations?!? I can guarantee you that if one of the people I supervise turned in all the work late on a regular basis they would learn a new word - F- I-R-E-D! Again, no accountability. When did we become a world of pacifiers. We give awards to all kids - because we don't want feelings to be hurt. We don't recognize just those that exceed the standards or the goals. We don't celebrate accomplishments or achievements because not everyone accomplishes or achieves...well umm to damn bad! If Johnny wants to sit on his thumb in a corner and not do the work then his reward is a brown finger but that shouldn't mean that Sally shouldn't get recognition for honor roll making straight A's. Then when we do give awards it isn't for academics usually - it is for our ability to hit, throw, kick, smack or swack a ball. Just like it is in the "real" world - we make the athletes the heroes. Kicking a ball won't cure cancer....but Sally acing biology, physics and chemistry just might.

Our world has gone to hell in a hand basket and I for one am fed up.....this is just the first of many postings to come on accountability...so this is Pandora saying stay tuned!

xoxo

Pandora

The Power Of Words

As someone who spends a lot of time writing - both personally and professional - I'm amazed at just how surprised I find myself about the power of words. From birth we are taught words to convey how we feel, what we want, basic needs and desires. But, have you ever noticed that some of the smallest words and phrases in our language carry the heaviest weight, strength and often burden?
8 letters - 3 words - 1 meaning - ever heard that expression? Nice way of summarizing "I love you" but, is it really true? I don't think those words have just 1 meaning. Think about the power those words have - how many prom dresses have hit the ground when those words were uttered in the backseat of a car or hotel room? Those words mesmerize us and bind us to others. We spend most of our lives searching for that someone that makes us feel "loved". That is a pretty awesome quest.
Some of our best leaders have realized what they say matters and have utilized that to change our world - both good and bad. Think of the other words and phrases that we toss around every day without really thinking through what they will really do to those we say them to. "I need you", "You're stupid", "I'm sorry", "Stop", "don't", "No".....we forget how such little words and phrases can build dreams or shatter them just as quickly. Why do we do that to each other? What happened to just being nice to people - do unto others as you'd have them do unto you? Do I expect too much from people? Rarely do we offer words of praise to one another. Instead we throw them around like daggers meant to rip people down. Do we feel this incessant need to do this to build ourselves up? What's the payoff for us? Words are powerful. Words are used far too often as weapons - both to be hurtful and to manipulate.
What's the point of this rant? I guess if you take nothing else from this post - take from it that you can't take back the words you choose to use. You can't stop the wheels you put in motion with the things you speak. Choose your words carefully. Think before you speak. It only takes a minute to think it through but a lifetime often to make up for things you say.

A very reflective Pandora wishing the world would a kinder, gentler place.

Take me out to the ballgame....

I have soooooooo missed baseball season! I doubt I will get to do this much this season so just wanted to share that my cubbies are tied for 1st with the cardinals. We are at .714! A whole 3 games over .500!!!!! Go CUBBIES!!

The Airman's Creed

The Airman's Creed - United States Air Force

I AM AN AMERICAN AIRMAN.
I AM A WARRIOR.
I HAVE ANSWERED MY NATION'S CALL.

I AM AN AMERICAN AIRMAN.
MY MISSION IS TO FLY, FIGHT, AND WIN.
I AM FAITHFUL TO A PROUD HERITAGE,
A TRADITION OF HONOR,
AND A LEGACY OF VALOR.

I AM AN AMERICAN AIRMAN,
GUARDIAN OF FREEDOM AND JUSTICE,
MY NATION'S SWORD AND SHIELD,
ITS SENTRY AND AVENGER.
I DEFEND MY COUNTRY WITH MY LIFE.

I AM AN AMERICAN AIRMAN:
WINGMAN, LEADER, WARRIOR.
I WILL NEVER LEAVE AN AIRMAN BEHIND,
I WILL NEVER FALTER,
AND I WILL NOT FAIL.

I have great appreciation for our men and women in all branches of our armed forces. I spend a great deal of time around those men and women and have all my life. I know that they have taken a lot of hits in the recent years due to the former administration's policies in Iraq. Although the anti-military/establishment sentiment isn't as high as it was in the era of Vietnam, it is still something our service men/women face every day. I am proud of the fact that my children have an appreciation for the cost of those who serve to protect our freedom. They thank every one they see in uniform. If you go to a military base and try to do anything - fill a prescription, renew an ID card, those active duty in uniform get bumped to the head of the line. While I agree that they have earned this respect, I am a firm believer of showing respect to those who come before you. The veterans, often elderly, are forced to wait in long lines very often to accommodate the younger more fit soldiers. Our veterans and their dependents are not getting the deal they agreed to and fought for on foreign soil. Just because they are no longer active duty doesn't mean their time isn't valuable and shouldn't be appreciated. Their dependents may not have served on foreign soil but, served day in and day out maintaining the family while their loved one is overseas. Far too often, we show no respect to those that blazed the path before us and I for one am tired of seeing this happen to our vets. It is time to do something about this - I would think that the men and women serving in our armed forces today would want to change this as well...since they are the veterans of tomorrow.

Having said all that - please remember to thank our men and women in uniform every time you see them.

xoxo

Pandora - future mom to an Air Force Academy Graduate....or so she keeps telling me

Being the Bigger Person

As an enabler - I find myself in the position to be the "bigger person" often. I tend to let people hurt me, treat me poorly and then expect me to be the one bearing the olive branch. What makes us be the peacekeeper? Does anyone else out there get tired of having to "turn the other cheek"? I know I am.

I was manipulated in to a situation where I spent my day with someone who for the past few months has not treated me well and the situation this week had escalated to a point where I was determined to hold my ground and not be the one cloaked in the cover of white doves. I was not very smart for allowing myself to be manipulated in to the situation to begin with however, I did. What caught me off guard was that after I relented and went in to what I felt at the time was the lions den, was it wasn't enough. I was told I needed to be the bigger person and make the effort to patch things up. It feels like it will never be enough. No matter what I do - it will never be what people want or desire. I have to find a point where I stop moving the line and stand my ground. I live in a state famous for the line in the sand - even more so I live in a city where the line in the sand was drawn.

Now, I know I'm not completely innocent in this situation. No one is ever completely innocent - it takes two to fight. But, I do know that I've done things out of love and the best of intentions. Just because someone is the elder person in the relationship doesn't automatically make them right. I guess I'm just tired of being the weeping willow- it's my turn to be the acorn who stands its ground - I want to be the mighty oak for a change.

I know this probably makes no sense without the full context of the situation - I guess this post is more of a reaffirmation for me that I have to stick to my guns and not give in to peer pressure. I just want to be treated with respect and appreciated. When I'm wrong, I swallow my pride no matter how difficult that is. It is time that others stop taking advantage of my kind heart and accept responsibility for their actions.

A Heavy Price to Pay

This week - the Los Angeles Angels started the 2009 baseball season - and they buried their promising rookie pitcher all in the same week. For those of you who don't know - the day after his major league debut - Nick Adenhart was involved in an automobile accident that took his life. A drunk driver slammed into Adenhart & his vehicle carrying him & his three friends. When the vehicles came to a rest, Adenhart & two of his passengers lay dead and the young punk, all of 22 years of age ran away like the coward he was. You know - I see it this way - if you want to do something stupid that puts your life in danger - more power to ya. It would be less chlorine needed in the gene pool. But the moment you decide to arm yourself with a 3000 pound weapon and get on the road with innocent people like my children, that ups the ante. I personally know people who have been invoved in several DUI incodence and I have no patience for them either. It isn't that hard to arrange a designated driver. It isn't that difficult to sleep in your car until you sleep it off. It isn't that difficult to call a family member & ask them to come get you. I encourage you....all of you....to remind your friends, your family, your loved ones that it only takes a split second to change your life and the lives of those around you forever. Is that really a price you are willing to pay?

Wishing you all a safe holiday weekend - xoxo

To Lie....or not to lie...

When did it become second nature to people to lie? It is amazing how quickly and easily lies slip off the tongues. Equally as bad and maybe even more often is the lie by omission. I read recently that climate change and other things have caused the evolution of human kind to accelerate. Has something else in our world caused us to evolve to be world class liars who check our ethics and morals at the door? White lies, big lies, little lies - they are all the same in the end and wreak just as much havoc on our lives. On some level, the lying done in the boardroom used to be acceptable. You had to lie a little in business, play your cards close to the vest and maybe omit information as part of a business strategy. But, that thinking has even invaded the bedroom. How many women lie about orgasms during sex?!? Ever told someone they were your best lay ever knowing full well they are a dud in bed?!? Look at the divorce rate caused by infidelity and throw in those in committed relationships who venture outside the boundaries of that commitment and share something that should be saved for their partner - both on the physical and emotional level.

Again, I will say, we want our children and youth to respect their elders, to have morals and ethics. Yet, we as adults don't set the standard. We as a society have lowered the bar. Lying isn't okay, it just isn't. There is no greater good that can come from it. As painful as honesty can be, it truly is the best policy.

Perhaps I'm an old soul born in a world that has moved past me. I want to live in a world where people mean what they say and say what they mean. I want to live in a world where when I tell my son - a man is only as good as his word, that means something beyond the confines of our home. I am issuing a challenge to anyone out there reading this - the next time you think that telling that little white lie just to ease the burden, avoid confrontation, take the easy way out - stop and think of the example we are setting - the bar we are setting for the others around us. Raise that bar just a little higher. If I left this world tomorrow, I want to know that my word meant something. How about you?

A very disillusioned Pandora bidding the world sweet dreams....xoxo

Ghosts & Demons

I don't know about you but I think life has given me my fair share of ghosts and demons. No, I'm not talking about paranormal activity - that's a whole other post. I'm talking about people or things that we can't seem to escape. They seem to find me at the strangest times. I find myself wondering more and more recently if there will ever come a time when I can exorcise some of these apparitions. I find myself looking over my shoulder and seeing things that aren't really there. One of these ghosts has made himself a more permanent resident in my life than ever before. I see him everywhere I go. It is the littlest things that haunt me - a smell, a touch, a face that bears a striking resemblance. For someone who is as much of a control freak as I am, it is painfully difficult to realize that this person not only torments me in person he has won a certain level of the psychological warfare that is being waged because he is everywhere I go. Even when he isn't here he is here. I know there comes a point when you can control how you react to the ghosts and demons and stop chasing them. There's a point when you take back control and though they might always be with you, you have the power over the ghosts. This is beyond a cross to bear & I refuse to continue to be in this position. I'm taking back my life and I'm going to find my talisman. I am a survivor and as many times as it takes me having to say that to believe it, I will not let this ghost win.

Just Like Baseball....I'm Back!!

Greetings to the cyber world. Just like baseball...Pandora is back! I am finding that I've really missed somewhere to express myself and this seems to be a great forum for me to do that in. I've had a lot happen in the last few months. I lost my childhood horse....I lost my favorite cat in a sadly ironic twist of fate.....I've been in and out of mom's house and helping with that situation. I've been forced to really take a good hard look at my "extended" family and really evaluate or reevaluate what is my new role and in my best interest. I'm working on making me a better person.

I'm also trying to wrap my head around a new situation - I've been told I have an auto-immune disorder- probably lupus. I'm still learning about what exactly that means. I do know that the symptoms have drastically changed my life and my lifestyle. I've had to slow down. I've had to adapt to not having the strength in my hands that I once did. I'm not even 40 and I have trouble moving around. Let me be the first to say..THIS SUCKS!

Oh well...enough whining....I'm excited to be back. Even more excited to that it is baseball season again. My cubbies are 1-1...playing .500 ball - not bad!

xoxo

Pandora