Okay, as most of you know I work for a non-profit...and when they say "non" they mean it. With the current economy, many businesses, both profit and non-profit are struggling to stay afloat and ours is no different. So, I am in a bit of a dilemma. I have been with this group for 9 years and in a lot of respects working for a non-profit is at times like dealing with your family. You have close knit relationships with the people you work with - you have to because you usually share a passion about something. When I took this job, I did it for many reasons. I really like the flexibility of having a home office. I am a bleeding heart liberal so I'm told so the fact that I am doing something that is in advocacy and outreach is in my nature. I have always leaned toward jobs in the social service sector. I also really liked the majority of the people I was working with. But, as with all things...life happens. In just the past 3 years, a great deal has happened to the group I work for and to myself in the context of my job. I am at a crossroads and I'm not really sure the right direction to go but, I am at a juncture in my life where indecision is far worse than just picking a path and following it. So, I've tried to make a list and compare the pro's and con's of staying. I'm finding out even that isn't as easy as it sounds. We have a board that isn't truly engaged since this isn't their "day" job. My program that I built in the last 9 years was basically stolen out from under us by our funder. We have leadership that fluctuates every two years...so I'm in a constant position of having to retrain our board on the nuances of being on a non-profit board that actually has to work. The majority of the "action" items get dumped on me either by assignment or default because people who take them on don't follow through and actually do their job. There is NO accountability and that perhaps is my biggest issue since I'm such a stickler for accountability. I'm charged with running an organization but, given very limited authority to do it and that is no longer functionally operational. All of these organizational things don't take in to account my own personal biases at this point. I'm not sure I will ever be able to forgive so to speak our board for how they handled my assault situation. When I went to them privately and asked for a volunteer to be removed, they named me publicly and it took me having to threaten to sue them for them to take me serious about the hostile working environment that I was being forced to deal with. They showed more loyalty to my assailant than they did to me...their paid employee of at the time almost 6 years. As much as I've tried to move past it and our leadership has had turnover since then, it is still the sum of how the group treats me by and large. I know that no work environment is absolutely perfect but, there has to be some sense of loyalty somewhere right?
Having said all that, I also have to weigh the other side of all this. If I leave, I will be giving up 9 years of sweat and tears. I have been told on more than 1 occasion that I am the heart and soul of the group and if I leave they will disband. That is a lot of pressure for 1 person to carry. I don't know that I want to have to start over at a new job and earn my seniority again. Plus, this isn't the best job market to be unemployed in. 6 unemployed people to every 1 job opening...YIKES! I haven't even mentioned yet that they don't have sustainable funding streams and have only enough operating budget to go through February. I trusted them to hold things together and not drop the ball while I was dealing with my mom's health the last few weeks. I turned over control of major projects, which is hard enough for me to do, and people let me down and not only dropped the ball but kicked it clean out of the stadium where I can't get it back. That is a total drain on what energy I had left. However, we do have some very large prospects on the horizon that could provide us sustainable funding for some time to come. Do I want to gamble mine and my families future on a group that up to this point hasn't been able to deliver on a single thing they promised me?
So...I sit here pondering...should I stay or should I go? The million dollar question I guess. I've been told that with the loss of my mom this could just be a knee jerk reaction and I shouldn't make this decision until I'm more emotionally settled with things. But, I don't feel I have the time to wait around for that to happen. It will be very much like leaving my family. I can see similarities with the people I work with and the dynamics there compared to my role in my extended family. Not sure either of those relationships are exactly healthy for me. Why can't life ever just be simple? I see a lot of gray when it comes to life but, I am ready for some black and white for a change. I wish I knew the right turn at the crossroads I'm at.
A perplexed Pandora
XoxO
2 comments:
Take two: It is really hard to say the same things over again, so you get a new version.
You have a plan, maybe not a destination but a plan. Your job has been like a family and it has to be hard to want to leave them. Remember, you are leaving the job and the situation and not the people (if that is what you deside). You will alway feel a connection to them good or bad and the fact that you committed nine years to them will just make that connection stronger. I still feel connections to everywhere I have ever been; every school, job and organization. Some of those connections, make me sad, some make me angry, some embarrass me, and some just are. Notice, none make me happy or proud or joyful, I think that is because goodbyes are by nature sad.
Here is the advice that I never really give you, commit to your plan. Hold the status quo of maintaining your job as security till you find the right job and you will know it when you get offered the job. One of two things will happen, you will find the right job for your situation or they will work out their problems. You know for the most part where you stand, so be confident in that, by the way I think you are more confident the more you talk about it. Take the next week to look around as see what foothold are around for you to move to. If they are to your liking, move on. If not, wait for a better one.
Sorry, I know it is not the best advice, you did all the hard work on your own tonight. At least you didn't have to suffer all the stories and lecture that were in take one.
Yeah yeah! I do know the right things in the end. It is just a matter of being able to make my "car" go down the right road without hitting too many potholes. I'm hoping it will all work out in the end for everyone. I am not responsible for the success or failure of the organization...that is what they have a board of directors for.
The advice was really good and thank you for listening as usual :)
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