The Deep Dark Abyss

Okay, I'm not really sure I should put this out there for public consumption but, here goes. You might not want to read this - fair warning - I just need to put it down somewhere for my own sanity so someday I can look back on this and see that I have made progress from this point in my life. I need a written record of my journey through this deep dark abyss that I feel like I'm trapped in right now. I look around me and I see everyone getting back to life and getting back to normal but, I don't know what that is any more. I've spent the better part of my life taking care of my mom in one way or another. It wasn't always just the physical aspects of her care that have consumed the last few years. It was also her emotional needs. Growing up, all the other kids in the family had moved out of the house for the most part and there was just me left. It was at times almost like being an only child. Dad wasn't engaged so there was just me...and mom. She spent a lot of her time doing things with me and that was how she found her happiness and occupied her time. I was crushed when I told her I was getting married and instead of being happy for me, she told me I was only doing it to get away from her - I was abandoning her and didn't care about her any more. It must mean I didn't love her. I don't know why she felt so insecure about being loved. She was my mom and nothing she could ever do would make me stop loving her because she is just that...mom. It became a theme in mom's life and I know it wasn't just with me as I share stories about mom with my siblings these last few months. She was scared of being alone and that no one would love her. So when my dad passed away, I tried to shelter her from that and "fix" it. I quit school for a while and I moved in and stayed with her until one day one of the doctors she worked with pulled me aside and told me I was enabling her. I was a little taken a back by his words. What I thought I was doing was helping and instead I was making things worse? So again, I got to hear how I didn't love her and was leaving her when she needed me. Back to feeling like the worst person in the world. What I was doing just wasn't enough. I had children and moved closer to home so mom would have them around and she wrapped herself in them and they in her. She was more than just a grandma to them and I was okay with that. I know other people have mixed emotions about that relationship but, I know others have told me they think the kids are what kept mom going as long as she did. We never took a family vacation without mom. I'm not sure what that will feel like when we do. It will seem a little awkward I'm sure and it will be just another milestone I will mark "since mom died". Isn't it funny how we always find those damn labels to call things? Back to the point of this post....so then comes the death of my brother...and again, I tried to make it better for mom. I tried to shelter her from the pain of losing a child and keeping her busy but, again, I think I did more harm than good. Mom never dealt with losing dad or my brother. Honestly, I think it reinforced her fear of being all alone and unloved. That is a miserable place to be....I think at some point in our lives we have all felt that isolation. I know I have. In the last few years, I've found myself with mixed emotions about my relationship with mom. It is/was hard never feeling like I did enough. I didn't organize enough family dinners, I didn't take the kids to see her enough, I didn't do a million other things the way she wanted and she never hesitated to let me know. Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to sound bitter or blame her because I think I'm way past that point. I am though saying that it clouded my feelings and relationship with her. Then she got sick...and again, I wasn't enough. I wanted her to get better and couldn't make it better. I wanted to will her to do the things she needed to do to be healthy and beat this disease and I just couldn't. That is a lot of frustration, disappointment and heartache to live with now. I was told by someone wise that I had spent so much of my life trying to please mom that I was going to get to this point after her death that I didn't know what to do with myself and I think I have finally found that deep dark abyss she told me about. She said I would try to find other things to fill it...which I have, I've focused on work - been more productive there in the last few weeks than in the last year probably, I've focused on getting her affairs in order, I've focused on the kids and them starting school but the one thing I haven't focused on is I don't have a mom any more. The woman that helped to shape my life is suddenly missing. The person who in some ways I became a mother to is now gone and the void seems overwhelming as it is slowly starting to creep in to my every waking moment. I wish I could be more like others with boxes and labels. I wish I could have felt all this weeks ago when it happened and there were others in this same place because now I feel truly alone in my grief, sorrow and sadness. I know I'm not and I know there will be lots of comments on my blog to tell me that but there comes a point where no one else can make it better for you - you have to make it better for you. I just don't know how to do that just yet. So today, I sit alone in my deep dark abyss wishing that I could have just 1 more moment with mom, just see her 1 more time. I miss her immensely and today for the first time, I can say that out loud and that scares me. I've watched others struggle with their grief for weeks now and to know I have that ahead of me with all the other things I have going on right now - my own health, the uncertainty of my employment, everyday life and finishing up getting her affairs in order I'm truly terrified that I will never leave this dark hole and find a way to be happy and healthy again. So as I said, this blog is probably more for me than for anyone else. I'm a firm believer that if you don't express something...if you don't find out how to put words to it...you will never own it and this is something I truly need to own. I know she loved me. She told me in her own ways. This isn't about unfinished business with mom, this is about figuring out what my new "normal" is and for the first time actually feeling like I have to define it myself and not by the parameters others set for me.

Heading off into the darkness

xoxo
Pandora