So, today has been a challenging day. I find myself struggling more and more to keep a lid on all the emotions of the last few months. I'm not sure just how much longer I can "control" all that groundswell that is building. I keep trying to tell the people around me that I will just let go and cry when it is all said and done but, that feels like it will never happen. Who knew probating an estate could be so challenging? Okay, I guess deep down I really knew. You have personalities, you have the raw emotion of losing someone you love, you have family history...all mixing for a very combustible and volatile situation. I thought that we would be through this by now. I had my goal set on a probate date of the 21st and now that has come and gone. I didn't realize just how much I was let down by that and how much I was waiting to clear that last road block so I could just let my guard down and FEEL something...anything.
I had an interesting discussion today and was told that I find a way to put up road blocks in my life. I was really surprised by that observation. So, we analyzed it for a while and sadly I see it. I set up unrealistic expectations of both myself and the people around me. I keep forgetting the only person's actions I can truly change are my own. I've had a lot on my plate to deal with and I realized today that while some of you reading this like maps...I prefer lists. I make them at work all the time when I'm feeling overwhelmed and totally behind. I then prioritize them and check them off one by one or otherwise I never feel like I've truly accomplished anything because we all know the demands of work are never really off our desks so to speak. So I have all this stuff on my "life" desk and I want to make a list but, how do you prioritize the things I'm experiencing? I went in to therapy to work on my issues as a result of the assault and just as I was really getting to the point I was about to have serious progress, I threw up a road block. I totally changed direction and went somewhere else in all the discussions. I did a u-turn in the course of life and started looking even deeper at things. Okay, that being said, I also understand that all these things play together and intertwine and make it all very complex. So just as I start to really make progress with the new topic, I throw up another road block. I focus on the anger, frustration, and hurt I feel with the loss of a loved one but, again another road block. There is more construction on this highway than there is on hwy 1604 and for those of you familiar with Texas...you will TOTALLY get that reference. I focus on the end of life advocacy issue, the probate, the financial affairs anything to not look a little deeper and truly be lost in the depths of my sadness and sorrow. While my mom and I had our differences in the last few months/years, she is still a huge part of who I am and the thought of truly letting that loss soak in and consume me is frightening and on the verge of terrifying. So I sit here...staring at my list. I still don't know how to prioritize the things on my "life" desk. I wish I did. Maybe I need to find a new route and just let life happen. But, I don't know that since the assault I've ever been able to get past being the scared "victim" and to truly let life happen I would have to feel secure and trust the people around me to catch me and that in and of itself is a very scary prospect. Okay, I admit it, I'm a control freak and the thought of a total loss of control has put me in a bit of a tailspin today. Who knows, maybe this is just one more way I'm putting up a road block in my recovery.
Wandering Aimlessly Trying to avoid the road blocks....
XoXo Pandora
2 comments:
Hey, I knew I could convice you maps were a good thing. Just think of your list as minor stops along the way. I also make lists. I find the organization makes things easier.
I never thought of the whole road block concept but it makes sense. What happened if you went through the road block instead of around it. You talk about just telling things happen, but isn't that a loss of control in itself. From one control freak to another, keep the map a.k.a. list.
How do you make your list? Write it all down, literally. Choose what you need to do and what you can do to be at the top. Then fill in with that is left over. Sounds silly to put life issues on paper but I really made me feel better.
Now, look back at the list you have already made and the things you have crossed off, you have accomplished so much. Take a moment to smile with pride (you should be proud) before you turn to the daunting list I know you will make for yourself.
You are the strongest person I know. That doesn't be you have to be strong all the time. You will find your path, it will be right for you and you will find some peace. I don' t know when or how, but I know you well enough to know when you do, you will do it with style.
Also, anytime your want, grab the tequila and your lemons...
My first recommendation, is to take a break from it all. Select that movie you enjoy and you know it is a tear jerker and let your emotions go for a night. You've admitted that you are a control freak and a big part of that is over loading you plate. Its hard on deciding what to let go of but your plate doesn't need to be full all the time, unless that is what you want on your tombstone, "Her plate was always full". Another item we have trouble with is setting realistic goals, why do we put such demands on ourselves? There are things that we need to handle but then there are things we just need to let go of. I'm starting to get to the point of asking my boss, ok if you need that right now, what would you like for me to remove from my plate so it can be done? Now I need to figure it out for my own "life" plate. Kind of goes back to, do I work to live or live to work? It is a balance we struggle to find, what do i need to do and what can i just let go of. Peace be with you, love ya
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