As much as I sit here and try to tell the world that I'm getting better....I'm just not. I was told over the weekend things will get better "when I make them better." I must admit, I didn't take that comment well and in fact I shut down a lot. I don't know how to make them better - don't they think if I knew that I would?!? I am miserable right now. I'm unhappy about the kids being in school but, I send them anyway and put on my happy face about it, hoping eventually I will find it isn't so bad and I don't have to fake the enthusiasm. I put on the happy face at work and tell people it is getting better when the truth is right now I absolutely hate my job because I feel I'm stuck in it alone. Yet, I get told it will always be this way so why should I or do I expect more? Yes, non-profit means not for profit but, you should still have multiple people worrying about the balance in the account when you have staff and not just 1 person...the staff! I try not to think about Mom. I try to focus my attention elsewhere and maybe that is what is holding me in this place, this deep dark place that I can't seem to flee no matter how hard I try.
Everyone has all the answers - leave your job, don't leave your job, cry, don't cry, fall apart, be strong for the kids. Everyone but me that is. I have no answers to give to anyone.
I have so much bottled up that I know one day it is going to explode and I don't know what will be left standing around me...that is a scary prospect. So for now, I just keep going through the motions and putting one foot in front of the other.
xoxo
Pandora
1 comment:
I know that in the time since your mom passed, I have been one of those people with the answers. That was wrong of me. Should have just listened. Please know that I am here for you, ever if that just means sitting quietly with you. If there is anything I can do, I'm right here.
Xoxo
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