Okay, I know most of you who read this will tell me I am absolutely nuts but...I have found myself in the last few days questioning my abilities....as a mother, as a daughter, as a professional. I'm trying very hard not to let that fear paralyze me but, at moments it is breath taking. I hear some of the things that are said to me...and I read some of the things people write.....I talk to my co-workers...and everyone tells me I am probably one of the most put together people they know and that I can conquer anything life has to throw at me. So...the question is...why can't I see that in myself? I have done a great deal of thinking...that's what happens when your brain never turns off....ever. I have come to the realization that my biggest fear isn't the unknown...it is being a failure...disappointing the people around me...not living up to everyone else's expectations let alone my own. I think I am very much like other people and set standards for myself that are much higher than what I expect of others. I think that is going to be one of the biggest challenges/obstacles I will face in the coming weeks as I start to branch out into the world and take on new challenges and start to redefine who I am...overcoming that fear of just not being enough...that fear of being a complete failure. You have to know that in those quite moments late at night in the dark I question myself and ask what the hell was I thinking leaving my job in this economy...what happens if I can't find a new job?!? I don't want to think that "Do you want fries with that?" is in my future. I should be reassured that I was released from my job yesterday morning and had an interview yesterday afternoon. But, I'm really not...because that brings on a whole new set of worries....what will I miss out on with the kids? Will I still be able to enjoy every minute of their childhood? I've always said my first job is their mother...everything else is secondary. I know this is a challenge millions of parents face every day but, this is something I will wrestle with and try to find the answer that is right for me. You guys all tell me it is so cool that I can think 3-4 steps ahead and I run scenarios in my head constantly....I can tell you this is 1 time I wish I didn't. I just wish the noise would stop for just a day or two and let me just be....not be in constant crisis control mode. I'm beginning to wonder if I will ever feel that way or if I will always look for the crisis.
Trying to find my happy place
Pandora
3 comments:
Be kind to yourself...
The bottom line is if you can be happy at that person that looks back at you in the mirror, all the rest falls into place.
Here are some reminders that help me...
It's important to accept all aspects of yourself in order to be easier on yourself and more compassionate.
Tell yourself. "I may not be perfect, but I'm okay just the way I am".
I understand all the change of the last year and then the massive change of the last few months has been very overwhelming. It would be for anyone. I understand the conflict between parenting and work. It has been on my mind a great deal lately, it has helped me make some decisions about there the future will carry me. I know you are finding your way and that is what is important. Cut yourself some slack. You are a great mom, the best daughter and the ultimate professional. You will only fail if you quit trying. So don't worry about other people think, if you are happy with yourself then you have done good.
PS: Don't make me eat those words later.
The goals might be set high, but you have always met them head on and succeeded using your Head and your Heart. Both tools that will enable you to change directions now without getting lost. Though no one can change or erase or feel what you have gone through, there are those of us that would share those things with you due to who you are. You will find that spot where you can meet your needs. Wait and see.
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