Hi....I'm Pandora....and I'm the child of an alcoholic. I spend a lot of time reflecting on what makes us who we are and what drives the choices we make. It both amazes and baffles me how much our childhood impacts us as adults. I am the youngest of 7 children and there is a significant age gap between me and the other 6 siblings. It was almost like being an only child at times. It is hard to grow up the only child in a family of 7. Most of you also know that I'm a rape survivor, so I've spent my fair share of time in therapy analyzing what put me in a position to be a "victim". As part of that I've spent time looking at addiction and the dynamics of a family who is embroiled in addiction. I am certain that has played a major role in my being a co-dependent and it has impacted some of my siblings in that way as well. I don't think the people who are the addicts realize the impact they have on those around them. They are oblivious to the fact that they put us in a position, especially if they are the parent, to become the parent. The family becomes so enmeshed in drama that even when the addiction comes to an end without years of treatment and therapy, it perpetuates throughout our adulthood often without us even knowing it. I see people around me, people that I love dearly, who couldn't survive without the continuation of the drama. They don't understand it, they don't see it or they just don't know any other way. It is hard when you want to change and break that pattern but, you don't want to break ties with those you love. It is a fine line and a tightrope to walk.
Growing up, I had a very different childhood than my other siblings. The father I knew was very different than the father they knew. The abusive drunk was someone else, I knew the man that was a kinder gentler drunk. I spent my early childhood sitting on the bar eating peanuts and playing with pool balls. I have siblings that resent the fact that I wasn't a part of the violence and mayhem that they knew. While I empathize with them, that isn't my fault nor my choice. While I missed out on the harder times, I also missed out on the bonding and family sharing that they knew growing up. I've spent a lifetime trying to make it up to them but, I've learned that it isn't my fault nor something I can ever make up. We can't go back and change time, we can't be who others want us to be. We are who we are and if people can't find a way to accept that, then at some point we have to set our own boundaries and learn to enforce them. I struggle with that enforcement. While I regret what they went through, that doesn't mean that it didn't impact me any less. The dynamics of an addicted family are always the same and as adults, eventually we choose to repeat the mistakes by surrounding ourself with people who perpetuate the chaos because it is what we know or we decide to end the cycle. I for one am choosing to no longer be a part of the cycle. My children deserve better than that. I deserve better than that.
I love my family and my parents and this post is in no way meant to criticize or demean anyone. It is to simply taking ownership and find my voice about this situation. It is why I started this blog to begin with. Perhaps if I can find the strength to share my experiences, then someone out there will find the strength to conquer their inner demons. To thine own self be true and if I didn't share this experience I wouldn't be true to myself.
More on this topic to come....
1 comment:
Not to make excuses but I've always wondered why? Was it due to his service to our country, the loss of his mother at a young age, a father that rejected him, a failed marriage and the guilt of abandon children or a combination of any of these or others we will never know. We must remember this is a disease in which he never sought help with. Many times after those hurtful nights I did noticed that next day the hurt in his face from the pain he caused to those he loved. I've always focused on the better times because the negative has never helped me in my life. Others have accused me of burying these times and maybe I'm guilty of that. I believe we all are responibile for our own lives and to make it better for those after us. I strive hard to do that and know that I will fall while doing so but all I can do is pick myself up more times then I fall. Yes it is our responsibility to break the cycle and I'm glad you are doing that. The bottom line is that dad loved us all and mom had enough love to get us through the tough times.
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