To Blog...or not to Blog

Well, it has come to my attention that someone who reads my blog is not necessarily reflecting what is said accurately to others who choose not to read it even though if asked people have been given access. My first reaction was screw it....I'm entitled to say and feel how I want. This is after all my PERSONAL blog and place where I express what I think, feel, believe and wonder about life...society...nature...etc. Then my next reaction was screw it....this isn't even a safe place for me to come and express myself any more since people feel the need to be judgmental and inaccurate about what they report back to others. So I sit here finding myself asking the question...to blog...or not to blog. By the fact that I am here right now posting this should tell you where I came out on that question.

When I sent out an invitation to people to share in my blog, I listed a few rules (this is cut and pasted from the email invitation):

thought I might invite some of you to take a peek into the dark side....the creepy crawl space filled with spider webs in my brain. I started a blog. First let me tell you there are some rules to my blog..

1) IF you decide to comment on anything I post - please do not use my real name. For obvious reasons....you know...the stalker....I'm just simply Pandora so I can speak my mind freely and not have to worry about who might be out there lurking reading it.

2) I am NOT going to edit my blog - I'm going to speak freely about life....things that have happened...both good and bad so before you choose to read or follow along....think about some of the things that might come up along this journey and be very sure that you want to read it before you dive in head first.

3) Don't tell the kids.....I don't want them any where near this because I'm very cynical and jaded and I don't want that to rub off on them.

4) Be nice...don't be offended by things I say or don't say since most of you are family. Nothing is meant to be offensive or slamming anyone it is about sharing my point of view about life and the world as I SEE IT...and nothing more.

5) Feel free to share with other adults you think might agree, find the information useful or funny or just whatever

Everyone received notice that I didn't intend to edit and would share what I felt. This blog wasn't about all of you...this blog was about me. It always has been. It is about how I see the world, how I feel, what I think and my perspective on life...particularly my life. This isn't something that most of you will understand because most of you reading this blog come from a different generation than mine where technology has played a key role in the forefront of our lives. I am most comfortable when I write. I have always been that way and it is sad that most of you reading this are my family and don't/didn't know that about me. Some of you ask - how can you be so comfortable putting this out there for everyone in the world to see? Well, if you read my previous blogs, I am a strong believer that information and knowledge are power. If anything I share sparks a little light in someone, helps them find courage to heal or realize they aren't alone, or inspires them to take action to change something they don't like about the world they live in or themselves then isn't that a great thing? What is wrong with talking about how I feel and see things?!?

I warned the group some time ago that things I said wouldn't always be the most popular way to go with things. I warned the group that there would be times that they might find things offensive or hurtful and that was NOT my intent but instead was a "safe" place for me to express those thoughts. Why did I pick such a public forum to put things down? Couldn't I have just as easily done this in a private way and not shared with everyone? Well, yeah...I could have but, doesn't my voice deserve to be heard just as much as everyone else?

September 2006, I was sexually assaulted in Atlanta and until August 2007, I lived with that and didn't tell a single soul. It nearly ruined my family and made me a very mistrusting and guarded person. That is the first time I've put that out there for all the world to see & yes, I realize there will be fallout because there always is but, it is the truth. This person still to this day gets to walk around free and easy because I kept quiet and didn't report it or say anything and now it is too late. When I started this blog it was to fill in the gaps between therapy times and give me somewhere to start actually voicing how I felt. It has been ingrained in me through life that there are things we don't share or do because of the cost to others and that nearly destroyed me. I'm tired of all this drama. I'm tired of living in a world where we are expected to be like mushrooms...kept in the dark and fed lots of bullshit. I'm tired of protecting everyone else at the cost of my own happiness. I intend to put myself and my immediate family first and foremost in my life and I'm sorry that some of you aren't happy about that but, it is what is the right thing to do. Most of you have done it for years and now it is my turn. My only regret is not having done this sooner.

For those that read my blog and find use out of it - humor, insight, whatever, I encourage you to continue to read and comment. For those of you that choose to twist and turn my words in to things they aren't, for you I just feel pity. It is a shame that you are so unhappy in your own skin that you have to condemn me for finding a way to live in mine. I hope that someday you learn to find your own true voice and make the best of it.

This is Pandora hanging up the phone in this game of telephone....