Where's Pandora?

Okay, so I was asked today why I haven't blogged in a while. I made up a million and one reasons why I haven't but, the truth is, when I write, I get emotional. Things I'm not really ready to say out loud some how end up flying off my fingertips and opening up doors that I'm not really sure I'm ready to open. It has been a very odd week. I'm feeling very lost...in my own head....in my own home....in my own life. So...this particular blog is going to try to tell everyone just where I've been....

I noticed I haven't blogged in ummm....a while. I can't believe I didn't come here to show my pride in being a longhorn and the fact that we beat owhou. Saturday's game was very tough for me to watch. Not just because I was ready to smack someone upside the head because we only had 40 some yards of total offense in the first half. It was the first time in 20 years I've watched that game without my mom. It was our "thing" I guess you could say. When I spoke at her funeral....I asked her to look out for Colt and the boys this year. I was reminded Saturday that after the way they played and how things turned out in the end....Mom was probably somewhere up there trying to pull this one out of the tank for me. Hard to believe we are this far along in the season and still undefeated the way we are playing. Our offense is pretty ummm offensive!! I spent a great deal of time pacing like a caged cat Saturday...which I'm told I do often when I don't want to really deal with things. I guess I have a poker tell after all Heart!

Saturday evening, I was asked to go with a friend to see Gabe Garcia (Runner-up in Nashville Stars) perform in the area. A friend of her's was playing in his band and she had said she would go and wanted a friend to tag along. At first, it sounded like a lot of fun. I eagerly agreed to go. As the day wore on and I had time to really think about the audience this would attract (young Hispanic men) I started to get anxious and apprehensive. I even at one point started to back out (okay, I did back out). I was tired, had a headache and didn't want to deal with that anxiety on top of all that. Then, I thought about it and decided I can't keep running from ghosts and demons. So, as Barbaro's Angel likes to say...I put my big girl panties on and dealt with it. I went and even though I had my BFF and my hubster....I was still feeling very much like that caged cat. I watched the crowd like a hawk, never ventured far from the people I knew, and even then had enough anxiety to make me really question how I would ever really be able to be a part of life any more and "fit in". Which brings me to a whole new topic....my anxiety about being in a new office - OY VEY!

So, as I have been applying for new jobs, it has come to my attention on more than one occassion, I have massive amounts of anxiety, frustration, self-doubt, you name it - going on about working with a bunch of people I don't know. I get why it is...I truly understand it but, I don't know how to overcome it. I mean...seriously, I can't hide out in my house forever and only venture out when I'm with someone I have TOTAL trust in is with me...right?? Yes, that's a very serious question. I guess I really teeter back and forth with being a true agoraphobic. Hmmm, how much my life has changed. Which really saddens me. I USED to be fearless....I could go anywhere, be in any crowd and be confident I could hold my own. Not so much any more. I don't like to travel alone...and even hesitate to travel with people I know. I never do really feel "safe". I sleep with a light on and the TV on just to drowned out all the little noises you hear at night and even then, my sleeping is restless at best. Which leads me to question, will I EVER be back to "normal" or will my definition of "normal" forever be altered. I know that is a question I already have the answer to - it will always be altered and I have to find a way to live in my new "normal" realm. I'm sure someday it will get better. At some point, I will wake up and realize that I'm able to travel and not feel all that anxiety and doubt. Wow, I didn't realize just how much even talking about this causes me to be uncomfortable. What happens if this only gets worse and there comes a point where I really can't enjoy life because I can't leave my own self-inflicted prison?

On top of that...I'm a "single" mom this week. It is a crazy hectic week for the kids too with it being homecoming, end of the 9 week grading period, middle of the week track meet, ROTC field trip...should I go on? Keeping up with all of that is a breeze compared to the fact that being here alone at night makes all that "stuff" I'm feeling right now so much worse. I have way too much time to think. Especially when I already spend my time counting down the hours until my family is home again. I admit it, I'm wondering if I'm starting to lose my mind and all the stress is finally getting to me.

To avoid so much time alone this week, a friend asked me to help her do mock interviews with her high school class. I've spent 2 days talking to kids who range in age from 15-18. I'm thankful she asked and happy I took her up on it since it gave me something to focus on to help pass the time and lessen the heartbreak I'm feeling about all the loss around me...the loss of mom...the loss of my work...loss of my identity....you know...the usual subjects. I learned a couple of things from this experience and you know me...I love to share :)

First, I learned something about the majority of the youth...at least at this high school....but across our country I suspect....have lost hope. They feel destined to be who others want them to be. I heard several times....I'm going to work with my "brother", "father", "mother" because it is what is expected of them. They have no choice in their future. Their families have decided it for them. They feel stuck in this small town bubble and can't get out. It is disheartening to see them give up on themselves because everyone around them has already. I met one boy...very nice kid...young and hispanic and I didn't totally freak out *YEAH ME!*....and he broke my heart. He has been labeled a "special ed" kid but, when I talked to him, I didn't see that. He told me the job he was applying for was to work in an oil field as a driller. I asked him what experience he had and why. He quickly spouted the party line I'm certain he has heard a million times in his home...because it is what your father, cousin, uncle, brother, etc do....it is what your family does and is expected of you. I asked him if it was what he wanted to do and he just shrugged his shoulders. Later during the interview, which he was obviously uncomfortable doing, I asked him what his dream job would be. He said "jet engine mechanic/engineer". His face lit up when I told him he should do that if it was his dream. He should chase it. I went on to tell him that I know someone who works at Boeing and that he used to work on jet engines for another company. His total demeanor turned around and he was actually relaxed and enjoying the interview process. Someone took the time to listen to what he wanted....I told him to check out some of the area trade schools....like Hallmark College and see if he could get in to one of their programs. I saw him later in the day and instead of being this quiet shy kid that came up to interview and didn't want to talk to the mean scary lady, he smiled at me and said "hi miss"....and yes....a little corner of that frozen heart of mine melted because I knew for even a brief moment, I made him think about the possibilities of escaping his small town bubble. Do I think it will really happen for him....probably not...but for a day...he had a dream and he shared it and someone listened. Maybe if more of us took just a minute to listen we could inspire others to dream....things that make you go hmmmm....

The second thing I learned in this process (which I am completing on Friday)...is that...THIS is what I've always wanted to do when I grew up. I've always wanted to be in a position to work primarily with kids...and to make a difference. Don't worry, I'm not rushing out to get my teacher's certification. Nope....I am SOOOOOO not cut out to be a teacher. But, it has made me dream again and rethink the possibilities of where I want to end up in a job. Maybe I need to go back to my roots and look at juvenile justice...maybe I need to look at being a school counselor and work to help these kids see a way out and follow their dream....maybe I need to stop being so scared and live life...and follow my own dream.....more things that make you say hmmmm....

So now the world knows where Pandora has been....I've been trying to get through the days and nights....trying to embrace the tears that have finally started flowing freely....trying to find a way to put a voice to the fact that I miss my mom so very much and would give most anything to have just a day....just an hour....just a moment....just one more hug. She doesn't even have to like me in that moment...she can be angry or upset...anything....just a moment to hear her voice scolding me for not talking to grandma with the ouji board. Trying to embrace that I'm starting a new chapter in my life and for the first time, I really have to figure out who it is I WANT to be and not who I feel the need to be. I'm not on solid footing by any means....and I know it....and I know some of you out there are truly worried if I will pull this together. I can't make promises but, I do know that I'm really trying. I guess what they say is true....nothing in life worth having comes free (or easy).

XoXo
Wandering aimlessly
Pandora