been surrounded by people yet feel totally alone? Sometimes I get lost in my head....usually these nights that I can't sleep. Everyone in the house is asleep and all I hear is the sound of the fan blowing or the dogs snoring. I walk outside and the little chill in the air feels wonderful. I love fall. It brings so many new things - the changing of the color of the leaves, the cooler weather, football games and time with family over the holidays. But right now, all I have is the silence that creeps in and haunts me. There's a voice that plays in my head and I can't make him shut up. He tries to fill me with self doubt and self hatred and for so long he was in control. It has been a real power struggle to regain that control. Nights like this, nights when the silence is all around me he seems to take an edge in that struggle. It doesn't help that in the past weeks he has escalated his contact again. The texting, the voicemails, emails come one after another. I wage an inner war. How do I take control back? Lots of people tell me what they think I need to do to regain that power and control but it isn't that simple. At least it isn't for me. I try to analyze and make sense of the rambling of a mad man....I mean he would have to be a mad man to be this persistent and out of control for this long, right? It is almost comical how it goes from almost begging to meet for lunch to telling me how sorry he is he just doesn't have time for me because work comes first. I mean seriously - when the person you are contacting doesn't answer back wouldn't that really be a clue to stop and move on?
I know, I'm sure I will hear that I need to pursue my legal options but then it gets so complicated and messy. Sometimes, I just wish I could turn back the hands of time but instead I sit here feeling all alone in the silence surrounded by people.
No comments:
Post a Comment