A True Conundrum

So, most of you know I have a stalker who I call stalker X. Without going in to a lot of the history at this time because I'm just not ready to do that, let me just say that Stalker X has resurfaced with a vengeance. I get several text messages, emails and even phone calls from him. I've tried very hard to find ways to get myself out of this situation without asking for help because for one that is just really hard for me to do. Additionally, what everyone wants to seem to tell me is that I need to seek legal help and for various reasons I don't see that as a viable option. So, I feel rather trapped in this conundrum.

I was recently asked what the pay off for me is - what do I get out of not trying harder to put a stop to his unwanted attention. So I thought about this long and hard and there is no pay off for me other than I keep my bubble around me - even if it is just an illusion I feel like I have some control over things. If I limit it to emails then I don't have to hear his voice, if it is text messages, then again, it is still just words on a screen. When I ignore those long enough it escalates into phone calls from phone numbers I don't know so I'm back to monitoring my calls. It is all so easy for everyone on the outside looking in to tell me what I need to do - file a restraining order, change your number, block his emails. It just doesn't work that way. Think about our legal system and how inadequate it is in protecting women from abusive men. How many times have we all heard about the man that walks through the protective order and kills his girlfriend or wife? Sure, it is a nice piece of paper that will show to the court system later that he was a threat to me but, what good does that do me when I'm a cold corpse in a morgue somewhere? It won't be worth the paper it is written on. So my pay off is the illusion of some control - I can keep from having to see him in person. I can hide in my fear and denial and not have to face all of the reality of the situation.

I wish I had faith in the legal system to protect me but, my experience with the system is anything but protective - especially in this backwards thinking state. I wish I had the strength that everyone wants me to have to confront this situation head on but, sadly I don't. I have to pick and choose my battles. I'm not ready to take this battle on. I'm not physically or mentally strong enough. So I spend my time shrouded in fear and denial waiting on the other shoe to drop and while it isn't a healthy way to live right now it is how I live and that is the best I have to offer right now.

Stalker X is now single too - so he has put on the full court press. At some point, I will find my breaking point and meet him head on. I just hope when that day comes it is on my terms and not his. So while I appreciate all the offers and the suggestions on how to handle the situation, I hope everyone reading this understands I'm just not there - a part of me has never left Atlanta and I'm not sure it ever will.