Where in the World is Pandora?

Okay, I took a few days off from my blog and my ranting about the world because yesterday for a brief moment, my world stopped. One of the women I care about most in the world was told she has cancer. We all think our Mom is invincible. From the moment we are conceived, she is the one who nurtures and sustains us when we need it the most (at least that's the way it is supposed to be). I was with her when she was told. She sat quietly and stoically as the news was delivered. She never broke down and when one of the doctors said to her if she was hanging in she told him that if she wanted to live she had no choice but to. I'm proud of her for the restraint she showed and how well she is doing with this painful situation.

I know at some point, I will have to explore my own feelings about this - this cruel twist of irony and fate all rolled in to a 2.5 by 2 cm mass. But, right now I'm not focusing on how I feel. If I get lost in the memories of the last time I traveled this path and how much it impacted my life and the person I am, I will lose focus of what is important at this moment - getting her through this and having her around to enjoy time with my kids. I can't remember all the pain and agony of watching my dad slip away - even though the day she got the news made it 17 years to the day that he left this world. I have to focus because that's my role - I am the caregiver. I am the responsible one - even though some in my family wouldn't see it that way. I don't know how to be anyone but that person. I have been that person for so long. Sometimes, I have brief moments where I let down that focus and the sharply guarded walls and I want to throw caution to the wind and just let go. A part of me is screaming to act out, lash out, be the irresponsible person deep down inside but, I'm not sure I've ever known how to do that and I know that it isn't neither the time nor the place for me to do that. I just don't want to get so lost in this deep dark place that I'm going and repeat the mistakes I've made over the last few years and bottle all that raw emotion. When I did that before, I convinced myself that I was doing it to protect and minimize the damage to those around me but, I'm afraid if I do that again, I will never be able to come back to the person I've found in myself recently and I really don't want her to disappear. What do you do when you are between a rock and a hard place? Maybe some of us are just destine to be co-dependents. Maybe some of us are just meant to be the caregivers. Maybe some of us are meant to be the wild child and others are the dolly do rights. Don't get me wrong, no one is forcing me to do anything I don't want to do and I don't do it out of a sense of obligation. I take it on by choice - to care for those that need me to care for them. Not just because I feel deep in my heart it is the right thing to do but, maybe it is a coping mechanism in some ways too. If I'm so busy and focused on what I have to do then I can control it and control what emotions escape. We see how well that did for me with Stalker X.

I do want to share about the healthcare experience yet again. When we went to the ER, it was for flu like symptoms. It was not because of anything else that would have pointed to her final diagnosis - kidney cancer. But, the ER doctor went the extra mile and didn't dismiss something he came across or pass it off to someone else to deal with. He followed through, and discovered what is and has probably been the source of the majority of her health issues for the past year. Dr. Edwin Davis will be a man I will never forget. He restored a slight bit of my faith in the medical profession and their competency and that they aren't all out to find the bottom line - some do still go the extra mile to make sure that their patient receives the best care. While on the ward, we did see both types of health care professionals - there were those medicine nurses who didn't care enough to bring meds on time to control pain yet there were others who wiped my tears in the brief moment after 38 hours without sleep that it all hit me as she was being given blood that I could lose my mother on the same day I lost my dad. There was a resident who hugged me and was worried I shouldn't drive myself home with lack of sleep and all the stress and even checked to make sure I made it okay. Those are the exception though - not the rule but those are the ones I will choose to hold on to and remember in this experience because those are the ones that made it bearable.

So, now we wait until surgery. We wait until we know if this is an isolated tumor found early or if this is the beginning of a long journey down an ominous path. I don't do well with waiting. And as for Mom, she still sits stoically awaiting the next steps. She finds an inner strength that I hope to someday find within myself and conquer my own demons. Until then, I will stay focused on the tasks at hand.

A tired Pandora wishing you all the best as I find my pillow and my cuddle baby and try to find sleep.