It is almost 1 in the morning and I have to be up soon. I have a full day ahead of me tomorrow - work, kids schooling, taking mom to the doctor. It is one of those nights that I can't shut off my head. I just realized how absolutely sad I am. I'm sad that it is the holidays and they always make me a little sad. I miss my father and brother, especially my brother. He could always make me smile and laugh. The holidays always brought out the best in him - he was so much like a little kid at heart and I miss seeing the world through his eyes. I'm painfully sad about my horse. She was such a large part of my growing up. I feel responsible. I question every decision I made in those few days and wonder if I had done something, anything different if the outcome would have changed. I'm sad that I can't seem to put my life together after everything I've been through. I do a great job of putting the happy face on for people when often inside I am still splintered in so many pieces I'm not sure I will ever be able to put the mirror back together and if I do the reflection I see won't be one that I recognize. I'm just surrounded by so many things and I can't seem to catch a break or my breath. It sucks to feel bad and know that I'm not getting the medical care I need or deserve and I'm just tired of dealing with the system that takes me for granted. I want to turn it off and make the noises in my head just be quiet for a little while so I can sleep and find sweet slumber to relax my poor aching joints. I'm sad for the families who will be without loved ones this year as they defend our freedom on foreign soil or they have lost them to that war. I'm sad for the families who have so little this holiday season and there's nothing I can do to help them out. It is hard as a co-dependent to feel so exceptionally helpless.
If only the world would cut me a break....if only...
1 comment:
Oh how I wish I could help you find the peace you need for that sweet slumber that is much needed. As always just a call away.
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