Shining my Own Light...

****WARNING - THIS ENTRY CONTAINS CONTENT OF A VIOLENT SEXUAL NATURE - PLEASE BE ADVISED THAT READING WILL BE DIFFICULT ****

In the last few weeks, I've spent a fair amount of time talking to some people I care about regarding some things we all share in common. These things aren't the things you want to share with anyone else let alone people you care about because these are the unspeakable things no one wants to happen to others. The content of this blog will be a mixture of things...it will be me sharing my own personal experience...it will be me shining the light on the face of sexual assault in our country....and it will be my views about the topic our country works so hard to shame the victims of a violent crime about. For the purpose of this blog and because I am a woman, this blog will consist of only statistics/views on women survivors.

A while back, I was reading a book on the subject of sexual related crimes, it was a victim's accounting. The author, an expert on the topic, summed up how our country sees sex related crimes pretty well with the following story:
A woman walks in to a party...she is black and blue, lip split, eye swelled shut...a crowd gathers to ask her what happened and she said she was mugged in a dark alley on her way to work. Everyone wanted to hear her story, they wanted the gory details of how her assailant brutally beat her until she gave up her purse. The crowd hung on her every word and then comforted her along the way telling her how brave she was to fight back and how noble she is to share her story.
A woman walks in to a party...she is black and blue, lip split, eye swelled shut...a crowd gathers to ask her what happened and she said she was raped in a dark alley on her way to work. No one wants to hear her story, they don't want the gory details of how her assailant brutally beat her until she couldn't fight back any longer. The crowd dispersed around the room and stood in small groups whispering that she shouldn't have been in a dark alley to begin with and that no wonder this happened, after all she wears those short skirts to work.
What's the difference? Is the woman in scenario 1 any more a victim than the woman in scenario 2? How is the rape victim to blame for what happened to her...ostracized and criticized and the mugging victim is a heroin for surviving her ordeal? Is our country's preoccupation with Puritanistic views to blame? This is the best kept dirty secret in the US.

Here are just a few crime statistics for you to ponder as you read the rest of this blog:

• 17.7 million American women have been victims of attempted or completed rape.
• 1 out of every 6 American women has been the victim of an attempted or completed rape in her lifetime.
• 15% of sexual assault and rape victims are under age 12.
• In 1995, local child protection service agencies identified 126,000 children who were victims of either substantiated or indicated sexual abuse with nearly 30% of child victims were between the age of 4 and 7.
• In 2007, there were 248,300 victims of rape, attempted rape, or sexual assault. (These figures do not include victims 12 years old or younger.) That means there is 1 sexual assault every 127 seconds, or about 1 every 2 minutes.
• Sexual assault is one of the most under reported crimes, with 60% still being left unreported.
• 
• Approximately 2/3 of rapes were committed by someone known to the victim. 73% of sexual assaults were perpetrated by a non-stranger. 38% of rapists are a friend or acquaintance. 28% are an intimate. 7% are a relative.

Put 6 women you know in a room...and know that 1 of them stands a good chance of being the survivor of a sexual assault. Get a sticky note...label it victim...then walk around the room. Who would you want to stick that label on...your mother? Your sister? Your daughter? Your wife?

It is easier to look at these numbers if you don't have a face to put them to. So take a good look at me...I am the face you need to put them to. I'm the sister, the daughter, the mother, the wife that this has happened to. I'm a highly functioning, intelligent woman. I'm a college graduate who even worked in the criminal justice system and thought I was a good judge of character. I was vigilant when I traveled for work or when I was in the "sleazy" part of town. I know I've said it before in my blog...I've sugarcoated it and put the prettier label on it but, the truth of the matter is...I'm Pandora and I'm a rape survivor. Why would I say that out loud? Why would I put that down in such a public forum for people to form their opinions about and open myself up to criticism, negativity, shame? Because I'm no less worthy of the woman who was mugged. This wasn't my fault any more than it was hers and until we...the women who have been through this start to shine our own lights and tell our stories to others...and sometimes even to ourselves....nothing will change. Why does it need to change? Because I'm not going to look at my two daughters and tell them they aren't worth changing the world for. I'm not going to look at my future granddaughters and tell them that I didn't think they were worth sharing my story to change the world...even if that is only my corner of the world. I'm not going to look at myself in the mirror for another day...another hour...another minute and say I'm not worth sharing my story to change my own world. We hide in the shadows....we don't talk about it out of fear...shame...contempt for ourselves. We hide from the stereotypes and ridicule. We want to help keep the prevailing dirty little secret that this crime is. We have a stereotype of what the victim looks like...and we even have a stereotype of what the perpetrator looks like. I'm here to shatter that stereotype. My assailant was your friendly next door neighbor, your outgoing co-worker. He was a college educated man, even has a master's degree. On the outside, he was/is the perfect gentleman. He can carry on and function within the societal norms. He was a friend, a co-worker, and someone I completely trusted to look out for me. He is married and has children - boys who I pray won't grow up to be just like him. He is someone I trusted and whom I had no idea held such rage and hatred toward women.
I still find this topic almost unbearable to talk about. Years of therapy/counseling are finally starting to change my self-loathing and self blame attitude. The biggest obstacle I still face is being able to talk about that night and not have it all come flooding back. That's where I am right now. I'm learning to talk about that night and detach any emotional baggage I have left. I know I need to...I know I HAVE to...if I ever want to take back the control he has in my life. This is the first of a series of posts about this. I hope that those of you who have made it this far through the story will take a seat, buckle up and take this ride with me....especially those of you who I tell day in and day out...you have to talk about it...you have to take back the control. I hope that you find strength and some comfort in my words...and if you take nothing else from this...know...you are not alone. It is time to shine the light...no more hiding in the deep dark self destructive recesses of our own minds.

Wishing harmony and peace
xOxO
Pandora