Okay...so it has been a few days since I have blogged. I have been feeling a little more tired than usual and thinking I might be going in to another "flare" of the lupus but, c'est la vie life goes on. I didn't want the readers of the blog to think I was avoiding blogging because of the topic matter from my last rant. So...on to the next in the series...
When did no stop meaning no? Walk through any major retailer these days and you can hear this conversation: "Mom, can I have this?" "No." "But Mom...all my friends have it." "No, if your friends jumped off a bridge would you do it too?" "Depends...how high is the bridge and how deep is the water?" "I still said NO!" "But Mom...please." "Will you stop whining if I get it?" "YES! Thanks Mom."
Doesn't that seem like an innocent enough conversation? But, take that conversation in a very different context. What happens when a teenage girl in the backseat of a souped up Chevy says no and the guy with her pushes on anyway? What happens when someone goes through a traumatic event and wants to avoid contact & their mate pushes them thinking it is okay for them to touch them anyway? What happens when a couple is in bed and she says not tonight and he pushes on anyway? We all know it happens. Every day...women around our country...our world say no and it isn't heard or respected. We minimize and trivialize. We laugh off the off-colored comments made about our sexuality at work. We try to make light of someone who touches us inappropriately because we don't want to "rock the boat". Women are told in subtle and not so subtle ways...you have to go along to get along. No stopped meaning no and I don't know how we change that back. I'm not sure it has to be a cultural change in the women of our world. I think we have to start with the young boys...the men of our future. I know that 9 times out of 10 when I hear that conversation in the store...it is usually with the Mom. Do we as mothers/women start the ball rolling with no not meaning no when we give in to these requests? These are the formative years and kids have a hard enough time reading the mixed messages we send them so do we start them down this path early in life where when a woman says no she doesn't really mean no? Just food for thought...I don't know what the right answer is but I know in the 10 minutes it has taken me to write this blog...5 more women in our country said no and someone didn't listen and their personal boundaries were violated.
Wondering wistfully,
XoXo
Pandora
5 comments:
Just a caveat...for those of you who might misunderstand what I'm saying here...I don't think sexual assault or rape is only when a woman says no. There are little girls who don't have the opportunity to say no and there are grown women/college girls that are incapacitated and unable to say no. I just know that I'm worried what will happen when my daughters or your daughters/friends/loved ones say no.
Wow, this a deep subject. I an not sure how to react. Essentially, I agree with every thing you have said. As you say, I don't know what the solution is. In communication, there are differing things that impact our perception. At the top of the list is values that rarely change and at the bottom is attitude which changes frequently. In the middle of this list is culture, which changes more than value but not nearly as often as attitudes. I think it is a combination of culture and beliefs (does not change much) that ingrain our reactions to others. We are taught that married couples act a certain way, feel a certain way toward each other and allow certain intimacies. If something rocks that boat, what do we do? Who violates the norm? For some, getting passed those stereotypes of what is right is tough, especially when their significant other demands the stereotype.
What is the solution? I don't know but it certainly causes black and white to become grey.
Heart...I'm thinking this is one topic we just won't see eye to eye on but, I felt the need to clarify what I meant in my post & previous comment. Please take these comments as they are meant and try to remember this is an open forum for people to have thoughtful dialogue and sometimes we just have different views. Having said that, I want to comment on the significant other/spouse topic.
While I agree that when you make a commitment to someone, there are certain societal norms that come with those types of relationships. But, aren't those societal norms evolving and changing? I mean it wasn't all that long ago for women like your mom and mine that they didn't work outside the house if their husband did. Now days, women like us wouldn't think about spending our time at home barefoot and pregnant so the "man" of the house could take care of us. While some women still ascribe to this philosophy, I don't think more evolved women do. This was taught to generations of women. Just as it was taught to generations of women that it was their wifely duty to have sex any time their husband wanted it...no matter if they were in the position of wanting to or desiring sex. Again, as an evolved woman, I'm here to say that is a crock of shit! Any sexual encounters shared by two individuals should be mutually desired and just because you slip a ring on someone's finger doesn't mean they have the right to violate that. If it does, then I really need to rethink the country that I live in. Rape is rape no matter if you have a ring on your finger..are involved in a committed relationship or not. Now, I get what you are saying. That intimate partners have a mutual understanding of boundaries and limits that they express and if those boundaries and limits change for one or the other...then shouldn't the topic be again open for discussion so both parties are happy with where those boundaries lie and what is acceptable behavior and what isn't? Life isn't static and just because I agree to something today doesn't mean that an experience I have can't change how I feel about it tomorrow. Life is all about going with those experiences in life that change us both positive and negatively. I'm not saying that it should be left to one partner or the other to set the boundaries for both but, when physical touch prompts fear, anxiety, nausea, and just plain panic...then it isn't an intimate act any longer is it?
I am not sure we have to or do disagree. I agree that NO means no, reguardless of the situation. Even in marriage, No means no. Yes, our societial norms are ever changing and we have to adapt to those norms. But, not all relationships move at the same pace of society. You also talk about boundaries, how they change, and how people have to adapt to them. That makes the assumption that you know where to place that boundary. What happens when you are unsure? Is it always what you personally want? If so, what happens when there are differening opinions, does it come down to meeting in the middle?
I totally get what you are saying in the post and comments. I really do agree in principal with most of what you say. It is the application that leaves my head spinning.
Ladies,
Allow me to bring a different perspective to the discussion. First off, Heart, you might want to ask Pandora a bit about my background and why I feel I can offer certain thoughts and assertions.
The short play version is that I have studied and try very hard to follow chivalric ideals. Don't always make it, but I try.
There is a very simple solution and Pandora touched on it. People structure their morality and beliefs based primarily on their earliest environments, ie: their parents from earliest childhood. Church, school and life may cause them to modify their beliefs, but it is the earliest that acts as the baseline.
So, yes, it is the mothers and fathers that need to instill respect, compassion, strength of character and a good sense of self in both their sons and daughters.
No should ALWAYS mean no. Period, end of story. We need to ensure that our children have the communications skills, backed up by a solid sense of morality, to not give off mixed messages. Say what you mean, mean what you say. The sad part of all of this is that, as simple as the solution can be, it seems that it's too much for most parents to do.
"If you place a small value on yourself, rest assured the world will not raise your price."
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