False Sense of Security?

So, it has been a while since I blogged again. Sorry...I've been taking a "break" from life. I spent a few days in Colorado with family and wasn't ready to come back to "reality". But, unfortunately, reality was ready for me and waiting before I even made it out of the airport. A couple of things to note that I realized while I was away...

• I highly recommend seeing the movie "Law Abiding Citizen"...it won't appeal to everyone but it did appeal to me and after you see it you will understand why. I keep wondering where I can get some of those gadgets. It is one of those movies where you can't figure out just who the bad guy is...and if it is who you think it is...then you find yourself cheering the bad guy on. Okay...again...maybe that's just me. I totally understand what it is like to have someone push you past the boundaries of reason.
• You can run but...you can't hide. I tried to escape from the realities of living in Hell...and well...it didn't work. While I avoided the phone, the computer, and various other commitments...they didn't avoid me or go away while I was basking in the blowing snow at the Air Force Academy game. The probate continued on..the difficulties with settling the estate carried on...the issues with the old job snuck back in...the fact I don't have a "new" job is still weighing heavy. I tried to borrow Heart's box and labeling system to file them away for just a few days and just let go and relax and for the most part...I was very successful.
• I really didn't want to come "home". Don't get my wrong, I missed the critters and family. I just didn't want to be here because as hard as I try...this just doesn't feel like home. I feel at home when I'm anywhere but here...which I guess brings me to the point of this blog...the false sense of security....

So....while I was in Colorado....I think I found myself lulled in to a false sense of security...not from all the above mentioned things but...from the psychopath that just won't go away. I hadn't heard from him in a while. Who knows...maybe that played a part in my thinking it was finally over...well...not over but that he had finally moved on to his next target. There will be another target some day. People like him just don't stop. People think I keep wanting to move from here because I am "running" from him and it really isn't that. Yes, I hope that being in another state will help me to stop looking over my shoulder. But, I'm also realistic enough to know this experience has changed me forever and it is such a part of me now that no matter what zipcode I'm in...he...this...will always be with me. For a few days....for a small amount of time while I was nestled in the Rockies...I let down my guard. I didn't constantly worry that he was around every corner. I was lulled in to a sense of security and when I came home it was shattered. The phone rang...and it was that voice. What really sucks is once I hear that voice it doesn't go away for a while afterwards. It completely rocks my world. I'm right back there again and it plays like a movie clip in my head. Will that change if I hear that voice and I'm a few thousand miles away? I don't know. But, I do know that at some point there has to be peace. I can't run forever and any illusions of security that I found in that peaceful winter snow are now muddied and gray like snow gets when it has been there for a few days and the cars leave their mark.

Missing the peace I had found
XoXo
Pandora